To ask what you never let your child do and what usually makes you shout?

[ATourchOfInsanity]

It occurred to me yesterday that I never really shout at DD. She is only just about to turn 16mo so I don't have much to get annoyed with her about to be fair and I imagine that will change in time.

On the other end of the spectrum, I have a friend who is constantly shouting 'NO!' at her son, which she assures me is a better way to parent as it is setting boundaries. She took a psychology degree so I wonder if I should be more shouty? It seems though that her DS just laughs at her and carries on doing climbing/whacking the TV with his 'staff' or throwing food at the wall.
On the other hand, for me, if DD goes to the door with a pen, I say noooo, but not in a sharp way, more of a 'you cheeky monkey!' way and she usually turns, grins and comes back to draw on the paper. Not every time mind! I find I save the big 'NO!'s for things like looking like she is going to open the oven when it is on or trying to pick up a glass votive eek!.

Am I starting a bad precedent for myself?

I don't shout at my toddler. Unless he is about to climb into a hot oven or drink a bottle of calpol.... But I do have lots of rules (don't climb up the slide, don't throw things, be gentle with people). Probably more than other people. Ds is lovely and very well behaved most of the time.

My friend has a girl a couple of months younger who is also lovely and very well behaved, despite her mum having pretty much no rules.

We are both fairly comfortable with our parenting technique and our children are both happy.

Jolly,

I think I had more rules as well - not climbing up the slide etc. I have got friends with fewer rules and it is hard when you are out and they let their children do things I wouldn't eg walk round in a cafe, get things out of the fridge in a cafe.

I think it was strongly bred into me not to cause bother to other people, so that's how I parent. Others emphasise their child being freer and exploring more.

I never shouted when I had just one child. But I probably would have had I had ds first rather than dd.

Now they're pretty much past the age of seeking out danger I rarely shout unless they are heading for danger and then its more of a warning shout than a bollocking shout.

I save the bollocking shouts for when I have PMT and they dare to make a mess or breathe near me

I've never shouted at my nearly 4yo.
I'm not a shouty person.
One exception - if she's running ahead too far and I have to shout "stop like a statue" before reminding her not to go too far.
But it's shouting to be heard, not shouting telling off.
I use a firm voice if her behaviour needs to be reconsidered. I am not a perfect mother (I'm pretty good though!) but as I say, I'm not the shouty type. I prefer not shouting - but it comes more easily to me as my personality is like that, rather than because of any parenting skills!

Now... I have a psychology degree. And the number of hours in that dedicated to the study of childhood behaviour and discipline strategies and their effectiveness? None. Not one.

It's not her fault you are intimidated by her degree (which could have been a poor result in a poor university anyhow!). You need to remind yourself to be more confident - and less deferential to her degree.

Incidentally - I notice you have a daughter and she has a son - my experience of mine and friends' children is that the girls listen a bit better, and from earlier. So the mums shout less, regardless of parenting skills.

Just tell her that "correlation does not prove cause and effect" and frankly - to bugger off with the newspaper clippings - WTAF?!!

GeorgianMum, that's brilliant, I love it "so we're shouting now, are we?"

My mum can be very VERY shouty but that's only when she's annoyed and too angry to think calmly. She's not a shouter on principle. And when I was little, even though I was so stubborn, she still only had to say a couple of words and I would stop, and she would tell me to stop sulking and I'd have to. There was never any expectation that it could go either way. My dad was more into negotiation and explanation, which is so soo not my mum's style! But he's more firm and calmer, and can mask his mood very well, whereas my mum responds immediately to instincts. Once when I was 12ish or so she called me down and told me to do something a different way and why exactly this way was better, very gently and calm, and I was openmouthed- I could never remember a time she'd done that before. I thought she was probably trying out my dad's way of doing things just to see what it was like! I obeyed both of them pretty much unquestioningly (Chalet Schoolgirl style) until about 8/9, didn't occur to me not to.
Soo.....different approaches, different strokes for different folks!

Well....it did occur to me. It didn't occur to me to actually do anything about it

I do a big shouty NO when he is potentially in danger purely because I'm so frightened that it's the first thing that comes out I don't really say no to anything else I use distraction techniques bribe him mostly

Sorry, OP but YAbitU. Each child is different and reacts in a different way to different types of discipline. I'm not a shouter but I do have to be very firm with DS because he is constantly pushing boundries. Id never get away with a gentle no.
Your friend is really rude if she's cutting out parenting articles but what works for your DD might never work for her child.

I don't bother shouting at all either. Can't see the point and my youngest is 23 months old. Don't want to turn into a shouty family either. Shouting means out of control to me - unless it's to stop a child in serious danger.

Firstly I think a lot of bad behaviour is due to lack of positive parental attention. Bad behaviour can also be a result of illness, exhaustion or hunger.

With pens/walls/poor behaviour etc, I'd firmly in a low/calm voice say 'give pen to mummy' or 'sit down in the chair, so you don't fall out'. He does most of the time. If he doesn't I simply count to three and then put him on the step for two mins. We rarely have to use the step though as he would rather be in my good books.

Distraction or silliness also works

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound smug either. I am a single parent and am actually just worried that somehow I am making a rod for my own back.

Unfortunately my friend sees something in this and has been quite confrontational with her 'advice', even when we were pg together. I think it's just escalating now though and she is doing it in front of other friends of mine who are quite when she comes out with things. I think I have got used to her being a bit unkind somewhere along the line, or possibly imagined she must be right having the degree - so thank you for all of the other psych degree holders out there confirming that this isn't necessarily so. She does seem to think I am storing something up for later - so transference sounds like what she is thinking of.

I am definitely in the camp of only shouting when there is danger. I guess the rest comes later

Georgian what do you learn on a Librairianship Degree? The Alphabet?

no seriously...

I>M>E>Shouting should be reserved to get attention in dangerous situations and therefore never used in anger. Easier said than done perhaps but it is possible to have boundaries without shouting. A shouting adult is an 'out of control' adult (usually) or a very good actor.

Her approach seems odd to me for someone with a psychology degree and I would suggest you go with your instinct. Set your child a 'no shouting/no smacking' example if that is how you want them to turn out.

I never shouted at DD1 - until I had DD2! When I just had one I would use distraction, but when you're busy with one child it's hard to distract the other and the shouts just kind of come out.

I don't really shout at my ds, 25 months, except for when he gets a bit over excited and bites me - more of a shock reaction than anything planned. He seems completely unphased by it though - I found that the best tactic for him is to take his favourite train away from him for a couple of minutes. Overall he is pretty good though so I've never had the need (yet!) for any shouting, plus I'm not a shouty person anyway. Certainly at the age of your dd is he didn't need any discipline at all - he didn't try to touch ornaments, plug sockets, climb etc, not being smug it's just all children are different and some are more curious than others.

I'm not a shouter at all and always thought I was a very patient Mum. I must have quite a 'sharp' tone though as several of my friends use me as a threat to their children!
"Uh-oh, Kalisi is coming you had better behave" I don't know why I give that impression

I didn't shout when DS was 16 months as despite being a handful he was easy to deal with.

I started shouting when his sister came along when he was almost 2. I shout all the time. Being ignored after I have asked / told nicely (but sternly) really sets me off.

I>M>E>Shouting should be reserved to get attention in dangerous situations and therefore never used in anger. Easier said than done perhaps but it is possible to have boundaries without shouting. A shouting adult is an 'out of control' adult (usually) or a very good actor.

out of interest do you have children?

Do you want to borrow mine?

A shouting adult is the only one that can be heard above the shrieking and shouting that MY children are doing. They are 3 and 6. And deafening when together.

You don't need to shout to impose discipline or good behaviour. It's all about making sure you follow through. We have always used the 'uh uh' approach on most things - simply because i didn't want to always be saying no! I do shout - but that's more about my state of mind than a parenting choice (i.e. tired, particularly annoying behaviour - these times she just laughs at me so not really a effective parenting method)- except where there's danger and even then it's about tone of voice rather than raising the voice. I get accused of shouting though when i haven't as i have the ability to project my voice across a room without effort - the response is often 'no 'THIS IS SHOUTING'.

as others have said, you find methods that work for you to get acceptable behaviour from your child. Every child and every parent are different and different approaches will work with different relationships.

I shout to be heard when necessary. Usually one or two stop words like "QUIET" or "GET DOWN".

The rest of the time I talk, bribe or offer consequences. If I have asked nicely, asked firmly, reminded firmly, and still got no joy, then the old voice might come out for a spin. I don't like shouting though, it's a last resort and I hate myself afterwards.

OP and her friend could both be wrong.

DC1 never needed shouting at until he started school and developed selective listening so sometimes I do shout to get his attention, particularly in noisy places like roadsides or if he is about to decapitate his little brother. I think there's a difference between "shouting to" and "shouting at" and I try very hard to avoid the latter.

Aggressive quiet talking can be scarier and more damaging; too fluid boundaries don't work either.

Thanks everyone. I don't feel I am doing a bizarre style of parenting to the norm as much now. She has the effect of making me feel quite unsure of myself!

Have any of you shouted at someone else's child? I think that must be a hard judgement call too. Do you shout at other kids in a 'softer' way? I hope that makes sense?! I can't imagine doing it at the mo, but pretty sure that is just down to DD's and friends age.

Frankly OP, I don't think I could be friends with someone who kept correcting my parenting style and giving me parenting articles! Maybe you should give your friend a wide berth!

Lots of my friends parent differently to me, but their kids are fine so I don't judge or nitpick like your "friend" is doing.

She took a psychology degree

People have degrees in all sorts of shit - doesnt mean they are 'qualified' to pontificate on the subject, just that they can write an awful lot of big words by reading oneone elses findings and then analysing them

i have no control over her whatsoever. fortunately, she's very sensible.
she's 30.