to force/not force my 2yo into a bridesmaid dress?

[LeggyBlondeNE]

Right, this hasn't come to a head yet (and I may get lucky!) but I would really appreciate advice on the most reasonable way to handle the pending potential problem.

About a year ago, we were asked if our then 16month old would be a flower girl at BIL's wedding. We said, fine but obviously what she's willing and able to do will have to wait to be seen. I think the expectation is that she will walk down the aisle holding her dad's hand and being endearing (which she certainly can do when in the right mood!).

They bought her a dress in August which luckily should fit fine after the latest growth spurt. However, she has not been willing to wear a dress, any dress, since her second birthday in the summer and even that was a push. At two recent birthday parties we gave up after multiple attempts and resorting to telling her she'd look like a princess/ballerina/fairy (I hate myself, but I thought it would work!)

Suggestions of wearing dresses to nursery in between times have likewise met with refusal and an insistance on wearing trousers. Which is fine, I'm not going to force her into dresses just because other girls wear them, but it is starting to loom likely in my mind that we'll face the same problem for the wedding. At the last birthday party, we'd have had to pin her down and use considerable force to get her into her party dress. I don't feel this would be an appropriate thing to do then, or for getting her into a bridesmaid dress.

So ... should I warn future-SIL that her flower girl may be in leggings and a ballerina t-shirt rather than a dress? (I can at least colour-match her!)

Or would it be unreasonable to give her anything else to think about right now and just see how it goes on the day?

And if the dress is refused, what's the most reasonable next step? Say she's not up for being a flower girl?

It's not the biggest dilemma in the world, but I know that I was a pretty stressed bunny at this stage before my wedding and I'm honestly not sure what's the best approach.

I would show her wedding photos that have flower girls in them, and encourage her to be interested.. that might work.

firstly, relax.

dd is only 2 and therefore it is always going to be a bit of a gamble as to whether she will play ball on the day. anything could happen- over excited/over tired etc.

i would tell SIL that you will go with the flow on the day. dd might get into the idea of wearing a dress when she sees everyone else dressing up. she might not. Think if she wont wear the dress, she would be far better sitting with you rather than going down the aisle.

she may well put on dress then refuse to go down the aisle anyway- lots of small children dont like adults looking at them.

agree with SIL that best case is she wears dress and creates ah factor

worse case is that she makes a noisy fuss and you will do all you can to avoid it.

Would she wear the dress.over a pair of leggings?

Alternatively, would she agree to wear it til the photos and then change for the meal?

I do find it odd when people want such young wedding attendants - guaranteeing good behaviour out of even a well.mannered 2yo is like guaranteeing you have the winning lottery numbers.

Ill bet she doesnt have kids of her own

I had that problem with my then four year old she hated dresses, still not keen at six, I took her to brides house to get ready and the over bridesmaids helped, she is much keener to do things for others, we also brided her with stickers and an umbrella. Once the dress was on she was ok and forgot about it

Other!

for a start i'd stop trying to make her wear a dress between now and the wedding. If you're lucky you will break the habit that she has got into of fighting against it. And if that doesn't work and she still doesn't want to wear it on the day then just go with the flow and say to your SIL that it is better not to try than to have a stroppy toddler at the wedding.

I was a bridesmaid when I was 2. Legend has it that I refused to even try on the dress then suddenly appeared in it as everyone was leaving for the church.

She might come around. Personally I think bridesmaids in leggings and ballerina t-shirts is a much better option than a dress

I think that at 2 yrs old 'what mummy says goes'
If you don't nip this in the bud now what are you going to do when she's older?

My SIL faced this with my DN. He was 3. It was quite a big society wedding. She used bribery and corruption with him. He was promised a spiderman costume to wear once the ceremony was over. I think they managed a few pictures with him in his suit, but most have spiderman in them.

So try using a reward at the end.

My DD3 was one of 3 flower girls aged between 18m and 2.5.They all behaved impeccably!

I would leave it til the day, you may find she'll get swept along with the excitement. Def borrow some wedding books from the library there is a topsy and tim at the wedding.

But perhaps take a nice back up outfit just in case!

I was a 3 year old Tomboy - never ever wore dresses and delined to try the dress on before the big day.... but when I saw everyone getting dressed up for church I put the dress on and all was well.

My Mum (and the bride) were very relaxed - really no point getting het up over this one? Very nice to have the cute flower girl but not critical to the day? I wouldn't bother her with the dress/any dresses until the day - then simply get her outfit ready and see how she gets on - have a back up outfit ready in case she really won't go for it?

Agree with the bribery approach. Get something she really wants, show her it and tell her it will be her prize for wearing the dress all day, together with some chocolate. If she doesn't wear the dress, then I would follow through and take it back to the shop.

As well, not sure of her exact age at the wedding time, but depending in whether she's I'd enough, tell her it's SIL special day and she must make an effort to make the day special for SIL by wearing the matching dress.

realcoalfire
I think that it depends if this is part of a pattern of stroppy definant behaviour, in which case I agree that "what mummy says goes". On the other hand if a child is usually well behaved but has a couple of things that they really dislike doing then why force them?
it's the same with food IMO if they are refusing just about everything then there is a case for being strict, but if they just don't like a couple of foods then we should respect that they have likes/dislikes just like adults.
Some kids couldn't care less what they wear. Others have really strong views from a young age and i don't see why we should overrule these likes/dislikes just because they are little.

I sympathise! (Except mine are the other way around . I often find myself trying to de-girlify my ones a little bit and then realise oh give up, they are who they are...)

Well, I think you are correct in your instincts: if it's such a struggle to get your DD to wear a dress then it would be a bit silly to try to force her to wear one for the wedding. And small children can be very, very opinionated about what they want to wear and how they see themselves so my inclination would be to try to influence it but ultimately respect that.

I think you have figured out your options to a certain extent already. It really depends on how understanding your BIL and his fiancee are, how well they know your daughter etc and their reasons for asking her. If they just adore her and have any common sensethen they would want her there as part of the occasion in her 'special' role and be hopefully less bothered about what she is wearing. IE your idea of leggings and a pretty top sounds like a good compromise. She could easily wear a pair of white or cream leggings instead of tights (I'm assuming this wedding is in winter and she's not expected to be be bare-legged?). I would certainly discuss with SIL and BIL in advance (when your daughter is not around) and work out a plan with them. You could prepare for both eventualities - buy a pretty, simple dress that would be suitable for a flower girl (don't spend a fortune, even better, get one 2nd hand?) and hope that she might come round to the idea, and have a back up plan of pretty top and leggings in case she holds her ground to the bitter end (determined little thing!). If the dress is rejected, you could always ebay it or donate it to someone else.

It also depends on how your little one feels about her uncle and aunt. If they were the ones to specially request this of her, would she be more inclined to co-operate? They could make a special invitation or letter (perhaps with a picture of her in her 'outfit' and come round to give it to her and spend time talking about what she will be doing. But that all depends on how receptive your DD would be to that. You know best. One thing I would say is to maybe avoid building up to this occasion for ages before the event. That way your DD could sense a great burden of expectation on her and may be even more unlikely to co-operate. If you can normalise the wedding and only begin to talk about it a week or so before the date and not make it into a big deal, then she might take it in her stride and not be too apprehensive about her role. Good luck!

oh and you could always try that trick of giving her two 'good' options so that she gets to feel that she has a choice but you get what you want...

"Do you want to wear the dress just for the church and then change into leggings for the meal? Or do you want to wear the dress all day?"

:)

Step 1 - hang dress out of reach on bedroom wall.

Step 2 - expressly forbid DD from touching the dress, dire warnings

Step 3 - leave dress and an easily manipulated adult alone with DD on wedding day

Or just give her chocolate on the day

Can she wear a little 'page-boy' type of outfit? That way it's smart enough to be 'proper' for a wedding, unlike leggings/t-shirt, but avoids the dress issue?

I wouldn't force her if she's not comfortable with it. Though of course at that age you never know, she might change her mind on the day .

Softlysoftly - love it! I've left dresses out for her to see before, but never made it verboten! Not sure reverse psychology is the way here though. She's annoyingly a bit too smart for that (or too contrary, who knows with my genes!)

She's a bit too young for long-term rewards alas and doesn't respond well to the two-good-options if she likes neither (tried that!)

Points regarding letting her get caught up with everyone else are very good ones, I hadn't thought of that. Think we'd intended to take her in thermal tshirt and leggings and change her at venue, but if we can get into bridal party before leaving that might help a lot. Not sure how SIL will feel about that, but can't hurt to ask.

Well I shall warn them, and suggest the communal dress-up option.

Thanks!

If they just adore her and have any common sensethen they would want her there as part of the occasion in her 'special' role and be hopefully less bothered about what she is wearing.

Hmmm I would imagine that if the bride bought a special matching dress she would not be happy with your dd in leggings & a top. I'm a reasonable woman but if I spent £thousands on a wedding for a day that will only happen once in my life, I wouldn't be happy with the photos showing the flower girl in what the girl wants to wear. Think about it, every time the bride gets out the photos during the rest of her life she will have to explain what your dd was wearing, which takes the attention from her on her special day. With the amount of planning & money that goes into a wedding I would discuss with the bride what she would like to do if the situation arises, not just assume she will be fine with it.

If I were the bride I would say sorry OP but if your dd won't wear the dress then she can't go down the aisle & it would be more graceful of you to have her on your lap & let her contribute in a less formal way.

I think you need to start talking to her about it now, how it's a special day and she will have to wear a dress. I would not present it as an option. My dp hated wearing dresses from as young as 2, which was a shame for her Mum as she's got 2 older boys, and she still doesn't wear them now. However, she had to wear them for school and for certain special events and that's just the way life is sometimes.

My DD was bridesmaid when she was 3. Like your DD she didn't like dresses and wouldn't try on the bridesmaid dress beforehand. In the excitement on the day she wore her dress with pride and was impeccably behaved in church. My DS was only 18 months and was a mini-page boy. My sister's complaint was that his socks were too brightly coloured! I feel she got off very lightly! As you can guess she has no kids

Also we got picture books about weddings I think that helped her get into the idea of being like the characters a bit more.

softlysofly -I like your style !!!

It might be an idea to get her something lovely and smart/pretty that isn't a dress, just in case.

I wouldn't force somebody to wear a dress if they didn't want to.

I had both my DSDs as bridesmaids aged 10, I let them choose their own stuff, one chose a red dress, the other chose black trousers/waistcoat and blue blouse as she hates dresses. But then I hadn't spent thousands on the wedding, there wasn't a colour scheme etc, I didn't even wear white :o