to force/not force my 2yo into a bridesmaid dress?

[LeggyBlondeNE]

Right, this hasn't come to a head yet (and I may get lucky!) but I would really appreciate advice on the most reasonable way to handle the pending potential problem.

About a year ago, we were asked if our then 16month old would be a flower girl at BIL's wedding. We said, fine but obviously what she's willing and able to do will have to wait to be seen. I think the expectation is that she will walk down the aisle holding her dad's hand and being endearing (which she certainly can do when in the right mood!).

They bought her a dress in August which luckily should fit fine after the latest growth spurt. However, she has not been willing to wear a dress, any dress, since her second birthday in the summer and even that was a push. At two recent birthday parties we gave up after multiple attempts and resorting to telling her she'd look like a princess/ballerina/fairy (I hate myself, but I thought it would work!)

Suggestions of wearing dresses to nursery in between times have likewise met with refusal and an insistance on wearing trousers. Which is fine, I'm not going to force her into dresses just because other girls wear them, but it is starting to loom likely in my mind that we'll face the same problem for the wedding. At the last birthday party, we'd have had to pin her down and use considerable force to get her into her party dress. I don't feel this would be an appropriate thing to do then, or for getting her into a bridesmaid dress.

So ... should I warn future-SIL that her flower girl may be in leggings and a ballerina t-shirt rather than a dress? (I can at least colour-match her!)

Or would it be unreasonable to give her anything else to think about right now and just see how it goes on the day?

And if the dress is refused, what's the most reasonable next step? Say she's not up for being a flower girl?

It's not the biggest dilemma in the world, but I know that I was a pretty stressed bunny at this stage before my wedding and I'm honestly not sure what's the best approach.

I don't mean to sound horrible but why are you letting a 2 year old call the shots? You are the adults and they are the children. You are in control not them. What happens next time she has a paddy and refuses to play ball will you give inn then too?

I also fear that anyone suffering long-term trauma at the sight of a 2 year old looking slightly unconventional in the photographs (and thus needing to explain her away) is likely to have a thoroughly disappointing wedding anyway. That level of Bridezilla micromanagement will mean that many aspects of the day will fail to live up to expectations.

You are joking, right? These people have paid probably tens of thousands for a very very important and significant day in their lives.Expecting a child upon whom they have bestowed the honour of being an attendant, to wear the dress they have bought is not bridezilla-ish in the slightest.Allowing the whims of a 2yo to take precedence is, IMO totally rude, disrespectful and selfish.
Either she is a FG in the dress or she isn't and wears leggings.That is the choice
OP please please please do not even ask the bride if your Dc can wear leggings.Really you will look back and cringe.

Of course it is easy as an adult to make a 2 yr old wear a dress-what you then can't make them do is be the perfect flower girl! You are very, very lucky if you get a 2 yr old to co operate. I would simply warn the bride that DD is unreliable and she might like to have someone else.
I wouldn't even start explaining now-leave it to the day. Assume, with body language to match, that she will get into the dress.

You are joking, right? These people have paid probably tens of thousands for a very very important and significant day in their lives.Expecting a child upon whom they have bestowed the honour of being an attendant, to wear the dress they have bought is not bridezilla-ish in the slightest.Allowing the whims of a 2yo to take precedence is, IMO totally rude, disrespectful and selfish.

Exactly! I would expect my 2 year old to wear the bloody dress.I wouldn't be posting this, as it wouldn't even be an option to consider that any of my gorls at aged 2 would be telling ME what they can and can't wear! Bloody hell....

However I would not expect a 2 year old to be on best behaviour 100% of the time.

gorls

Girls Duh :o

Watch wedding video's with little girls in similar dresses and oo and ah over it. Don't suggest she may like to be in a wedding, just show a lot of love for the pretty flower girls. Then hang her dress up high as suggested.
Make a dress up box with similar dresses.
What is the dress like?

Don't show her this! :) sweet funny flowergirl

Aww

My dd hated her dress for our wedding, wouldn't even try it on for the fitting. However on the day she knew something different was going on and she happily put it on for my mum and wore it all day (and every day after that for a week). She was 2.4. Don't stress about it, she either will or won't wear it. Have back up clothes ready but be willing to accept that the bride may not want her walking down the aisle in anything other than 'the dress'.

I, too, parent with little tolerance for nonsense and arguments and agree that you could you make your DD wear the dress. Possibly you even should, if you're into points of principle.

But would this result in a smiling, happy flower girl in the photo's? No.

OP, the only person who can make a choice here is the bride. You can guarantee her a child in a frock. What you can't guarantee - because your DD is not a performing monkey - is a happy, cooperative, angelic, princess of a child in a frock.

Your DD is not old enough to understand why her feelings aren't the most important. She is not young enough for it not to matter. You can force her into wearing something you know she will hate with predictable consequences and you, and the other adults around her, can shout and punish her into quiet submission, if you so choose, if you're willing for that to happen.

Or you and the bride can agree a new outfit, as I suggested above, or your DD can not be a flower girl.

But no parent in the world can force a child to be happy. And I'd be worried about a parent willing and able to bully a toddler into hiding their feelings with a fake smile.

You know your child, OP. In ten years, what's stubbornness now, will be called self-confidence and be praised as a sign that you've done a good job. If you can make your child obey when it really matters, then there's nothing wrong with allowing her freedom of thought when it doesn't.

And, frankly, when the best you can guarantee isn't satisfactory anyway, then it's a pointless stress for everyone.

Well said, ginnybag :)

I second (third? fourth?) reverse psychology - it's one of the things I remenber most fondly from where DD was 2! Thankfully DS is very little still, so I've got a second round of that coming!

"Either she is a FG in the dress or she isn't and wears leggings.That is the choice"

Well yes, that's my expectation, I just didn't know whether I should be making that decision for them, and whether I should warn in advance.

We hadn't actually talked to her about the whole thing yet, as her long term understanding of time/memory isn't that great yet and she hasn't been to a wedding since she was 9mo so doesn't have any reference point. But I think we're getting close enough that I can start explaining it and getting her to think about it so will do that too.

Aren't the grandparents going to be tghere. Usually they are good at entertaining tots out of tantrums and sulks!

Chocolate buttons get kids down aisles.

Don't mention the dress til nearer the time. No point stressing til have to. On day spend as much time as able with bride/other bridesmaids worked like a charm on our dd who was one in summer as she just copied everyone.

Once in the dress keep her as nice as able til after ceremony. Once champers comes out she's then able to get it messy. Our dd had it back on next day and wore shoes for 2 wks..

Surprised heck out of both of us!

Our dd was 21 mths at wedding

She can wear a dress for one day. That's not much to ask of her. Or of you.
This is the bride and grooms special day (doesn't mean bride is a bridezilla)and they would like her to wear a bridesmaids dress which is completely reasonable.
Don't let your daughter run rings around you or you will be sorry later!

I love the way that people are confident that once they have a 2 yr old in a dress they can make them do the job and smile!

My DD was 2y2m when she was flower girl - twice in one month. Both times she wore the dress happily (but she likes dresses) but neither time would she do her flower girl duties. Neither bride was upset (i paid for one dress, the other bride paid for the other)

'Bridezilla micromanagement' - that.

Your DD may well find the dress uncomfy, itchy or restrictive, she'll be miserable on the day if she's forced into it. I like the idea of colour coordinated leggings, pretty top and ballerina skirt as an emergency back-up. She can jump around and feel like herself.

And if the bride digs her heels in over what your DD wears then I hope she has her own defiant 2yo in a few years time .

We got married a few months ago and our two DDs (aged 1 and 2) were our flower girls. My oldest refuses to wear dresses - ever - but I b

We got married a few months ago and our two DDs (aged 1 and 2) were our flower girls. My oldest refuses to wear dresses - ever - so i thought it was going to be a problem on the day. (major tantrum just to see if it fitted!) I bought leggings to go underneath the dress to make her feel like she was sort of wearing trousers and had nice back up outfit (with tags left in!) just in case. On the day she was fine with the leggings trick, and I think the fact that everyone was dressed differently to normal helped. Her GPs (who she adores) got her dressed too. It will probably be fine on the day, but as someone else said, ring the bride to be and discuss the fact that it might not!

No bride can confidently expect a 2 yr old to do the job-they are merely an optional extra-very nice if they do perform on the day.

I feel sorry for the bride. Everyone assumes that she is being mean but she just wants her to wear a dress. Really nothing bridezilla-ish about this at all!
What if the 2 year old decided on the day she will only wear old clothes or pyjamas will that be allowed as well?

How soon is the wedding, OP?

For me, being a flower girl is pretty much wearing the dress, that's essentially where the duties start and finish. Anything else they manage is just a bonus.

One of my flowergirls will be 2yrs 3mo. The other will be 4yrs 6mo. The 2y/o was a flowergirl previously and was very co-operative but I can imagine how these things might change over time. The older one was not keen to try the dress on, but I think on the day with her Daddy being best man and getting caught up in the excitement of the day will see her right.

I would want to know about a potential problem with them wearing the dresses in advance, but only in a 'DD is very resistant to wearing a dress, we'll do our best but there's a chance she won't on the day' kind of thing. Which is pretty much the situation I'm in with the 4y/o. I am prepared for her not to want to wear the dress, which I'm totally ok with. If the parents were to make a big effort to find a compromise, for example she won't wear the ivory dress and aqua sash, but will wear a cream T-shirt and tights, aqua converse and oh look, we managed to find this cute aqua tutu and DD is happy to play dress up in it. Ok then, fine. If it's the stripy red leggings and Peppa T-shirt or nothing, sure, dress her in whatever you like. But she won't be coming down the aisle, likewise the 2y/o.

I doubt at that age they will even be that bothered about participating, they were only really included anyway as a gesture as I know it meant a lot to the parents. Also, the parents would be buying a new party dress for the wedding for their girls anyway, with them as flowergirls its the same only I chose and paid for the dress and it happens to be ivory.

It is for precisely this reason (among others) that I purchased bargain Tesco specials dresses. They can wear them or not wear them. No sweat to me.

I'm fully prepared for them to be grisly, clingy, unco-operative and generally difficult on the day. Which is why I have no expectations of them. I won't make them pose for photos unless they want to. I won't make them come down the aisle unless they want to. Etc. My only expectation is if they do exhibit this behaviour then I expect the parents to minimise its impact on the day and the other guests. Unless your SiL is completely lacking in common sense and empathy (and nothing you have said suggests this) then she will probably have a similar attitude to me.

What if the 2 year old decided on the day she will only wear old clothes or pyjamas will that be allowed as well?

I wonder what would be the situation OP if your DD were not flowergirl. What would you dress her in for the wedding? Would you allow her to choose?