to force/not force my 2yo into a bridesmaid dress?

[LeggyBlondeNE]

Right, this hasn't come to a head yet (and I may get lucky!) but I would really appreciate advice on the most reasonable way to handle the pending potential problem.

About a year ago, we were asked if our then 16month old would be a flower girl at BIL's wedding. We said, fine but obviously what she's willing and able to do will have to wait to be seen. I think the expectation is that she will walk down the aisle holding her dad's hand and being endearing (which she certainly can do when in the right mood!).

They bought her a dress in August which luckily should fit fine after the latest growth spurt. However, she has not been willing to wear a dress, any dress, since her second birthday in the summer and even that was a push. At two recent birthday parties we gave up after multiple attempts and resorting to telling her she'd look like a princess/ballerina/fairy (I hate myself, but I thought it would work!)

Suggestions of wearing dresses to nursery in between times have likewise met with refusal and an insistance on wearing trousers. Which is fine, I'm not going to force her into dresses just because other girls wear them, but it is starting to loom likely in my mind that we'll face the same problem for the wedding. At the last birthday party, we'd have had to pin her down and use considerable force to get her into her party dress. I don't feel this would be an appropriate thing to do then, or for getting her into a bridesmaid dress.

So ... should I warn future-SIL that her flower girl may be in leggings and a ballerina t-shirt rather than a dress? (I can at least colour-match her!)

Or would it be unreasonable to give her anything else to think about right now and just see how it goes on the day?

And if the dress is refused, what's the most reasonable next step? Say she's not up for being a flower girl?

It's not the biggest dilemma in the world, but I know that I was a pretty stressed bunny at this stage before my wedding and I'm honestly not sure what's the best approach.

"If I were the bride I would say sorry OP but if your dd won't wear the dress then she can't go down the aisle & it would be more graceful of you to have her on your lap & let her contribute in a less formal way. "

Hey, I'm happy with her not being directly involved at all! Note I didn't say I would send her along in a t shirt regardless. It was just whether it would add unnecessary stress to not warn of what might happen re clothes and hwehter to let them decide what to do if she refuses or make the decision (no flower girl) for them.

warn bride that if it doesn't work on the day, child will sit it out. No sensible adult will have an issue with this, forward planning and two year olds are not a natural pairing.

take the point about messing up the photos - but then, who looks at the wedding photos more than once or twice? :-)

Is this a winter wedding?

Get her a cloak.

Seriously. Get her/make her a long, full velvet cloak to match the colour of the wedding. Then get a matching pretty top and waistcoat, tights/leggings and shorts. With the right shoes/boots it'll look adorable (which is what's wanted!)

Add basket of petals for her to throw randomly scatter, and holding onto Dad's hand, walking slowly, you have unusual charming flower girl, and everyone can complement you/the bride on not putting the child in some horrible floofy frock that they hate!

Aw a cloak!! Wicked! She loves pretending her hoodie is a cloak!

I shall discuss with the dressmaking godmother!

I think that leggings and t shirt is too casual even if not a dress I have the opposite problem my DD will only wear pretty stuff and thinks playing in mud is also best done in a dress, she is almost 3 but when occasion dictates she wears exactly what she is told too

My DD doesn't like having bare legs. She hates dresses but will wear them as long as she has either leggings or tights underneath. Are these options? I don't envy you at all, I'm having a similar dilemma over the nativity play (not such a big deal I grant you!

JustforLaughs - Last time we tried putting her in a dress she had matching leggings on and it was still a no-go. She likes tights but won't wear a skirt or dress with them so I tend to keep them out of sight now!

Sarahtigh - do you have to physically pin her to the floor to get her into what occasion dictates? I'm willing to do that to stop her going out in the rain in a vest and pants when she's in an uncooperative mood (which isn't often) but not for non-essential things. And much as I deplore her taste in clothes sometimes, I generally regard anything beyond warm-and-dry as non-essential at this age, especially as she clearly does have her own taste.

If you think you are really going to have a problem getting her to wear it, then you should tell the bride now and give her the oportunity to find someone else.I am sure she would have no difficulty doing so - most little girls would give their right arm for this opportunity, and most parents would be really proud.

My dds have a book where Lettice the Rabbit is a bridesmaid. My youngest was three when she was a flowergirl for my sister.

It was a small wedding so it wouldn't have been a big deal had it not have happened but to be honest she either did it in the dress or didn't do it all. She was going to change right away but kept the dress on until the dancing where the leggings came out . The dress was quite simple and there was no way tights were happening.

I think that anyone who chooses a 2 year old has to realise it is a gamble on the day. They can dress up and look adorable but refuse to walk with the bride or refuse photos. Just warn the bride now and then relax. She may well do it on the day - and bribery might do it if all fails!

I like Ephiny's suggestion

The most important thing is to speak to the bride and find out what she'd rather: no flowergirl, a different flowergirl, the same one in trousers etc. That way she can find someone else if it's important or be prepared on the day. I'd rather no flowergirl, and take the chance she'll wear the dress on the day

And stop trying to get her in dresses in the meantime!

I think that at 2 yrs old 'what mummy says goes
If you don't nip this in the bud now what are you going to do when she's older?

That's exactly what I thought.

At what point did parents start pussy footing around their 2yr olds?

When my kids were 2, I was far too busy to put up with any fuss and nonsense. It was a case of dress them and get out of the door. If they wanted to tantrum, they were welcome to do it on the way to wherever we were going.

But if you don't think she'll wear the dress the bride has chosen, I'd tell her now so that she can find another flower girl.

What mummy says does go, if we're talking about putting a coat on when it's raining, or not having a second biscuit, or holding my hand if she wants to walk along the pavement, or not snatching/throwing toys, or asking nicely before I put CBeebies on, or just wearing clothes full stop.

But using restraint holds and fairly high levels of physical force for a toddler (because she's bloody strong!) to get her into a particular outfit because I/someone else wants her to wear it ... seems a touch extreme to me.

Anyway, hoping to speak to B&G later this week.

no I do not pin her down, I tell her to come here and this is what she needs to wear if she runs away I repeat, then I count to three if I actually get to 3 it will involve sitting on stairs ( I don't call it the naughty step as step has actually not done anything wrong ) then she still has to do what she is told

I regard somethings as optional like when playing at home all day do not care if t shirt is worn with just tights or just a dress etc, but with 2 year old you have to have ways of making them do what they are told when you think it matters, whether it is wearing coat taking medicine sitting in chair at dentists, holding hands crossing roads, somethings are just not negotiable

personally I would make her wear dress, however the major problem I see is her suddenly getting shy on the day and not wanting to walk down aisle with dad or indeed anyone, and I think Bride needs to be aware of that as I do not see shyness as an issue but I would see not doing as she was told as an issue

if it does not matter too much I let DD express her wishes or choice, so if I suggest we do A and she says I don't want to, either I say Ok that's fine we won't do A, or else if I decide it is important, that is what will happen I do not change my mind after her pleading 2, 3 or 15 times

I am not anti children at weddings we had a few but I would have minded my niece in just t shirt and leggings on photos, she does kind of need to fit in with wedding idea in terms of clothes

I wasn't talking particularly about the bridesmaid dress.

You said you 'suggested' she wore a dress to nursery and she refused. I just don't understand why you paid it any mind, instead of just putting it on her and getting out the door.

We're all different and we all parent differently of course, but I was just wondering when toddlers got to tell their parents 'No' and got away with it IYSWIM.

Lucky lucky teachers in a couple of years!!

You have to allow children some autonomy. Not wearing a dress to nursery is hardly a big deal, I wouldn't make mine do so. I would make her wear a coat though because that actually matters.

Think about it, every time the bride gets out the photos during the rest of her life she will have to explain what your dd was wearing, which takes the attention from her on her special day

If the bride is so susceptible to making a life long trauma about this sort of detail then it'd probably be more sensible not to have 2 year old attendants. Because they are unpredictable, regardless of whether they are compliant about wearing the chosen outfit.

I believed that "what mummy says, goes" too. But what I did know was that ds1 would not willingly be dressed up to the nines in an unfamiliar formal outfit at 2. ds2, on the other hand, would have happily walked down the aisle in anything (including a frock!) at the same age. My former SIL took this into account at her wedding and we compromised. ds1 looked smart but not wildly different from any other day.

I think the OP needs to raise the issue with the bride and recognise that if the dress issue is unsurmountable then it might be necessary to decline the role as flower girl. On the other hand, the bride might be happy with a compromise on outfits. It might, of course, be that the current reluctance to wear a dress has been overcome by the wedding.

If the bride wants a small cute flower girl then she has to accept her however she comes. Small children have opinions and ought to be encouraged to have them. What they lack is the ability to see other points of view and the empathy to consider other peoples' feelings so where a grown up can say "I fecking hate this dress but I shall wear it for one day to keep my friend happy" the toddler just goes "I fecking hate this dress and I won't wear it".

I'd say that you explain in simple terms that if she wants to be a flower girl she has to wear the dress or a suitable alternative discussed with the bride because that will make the bride happy and that if she doesn't want to wear it then she can't be flower girl which is sad. Simple terms, understandable emotions, not the end of the world and allows her a choice, because she is a human being and is allowed choices.

"Think about it, every time the bride gets out the photos during the rest of her life she will have to explain what your dd was wearing, which takes the attention from her on her special day"

if i had chosen a small child to be part of my special day I'd be saying "Oh look it is babyLeggy isn't she cute? She didn't want to wear the dress so came dressed up in a pirate outfit instead, she was fab."

I also fear that anyone suffering long-term trauma at the sight of a 2 year old looking slightly unconventional in the photographs (and thus needing to explain her away) is likely to have a thoroughly disappointing wedding anyway. That level of Bridezilla micromanagement will mean that many aspects of the day will fail to live up to expectations.

We have had this problem with DD, from an early age I have said no to all flower girl requests, as there is no way she will want to wear a dress, or take part in a ceremony, I don't see any point in stressing her out, if she doesn't enjoy it.

Does your dd have any investment in being a flower girl? Does she actually want to do the aisle thing?

• Explain to her that it's her choice, either she's flower girl with the dress or not a flower girl without the dress. Stress that either option is fine by you.
• If she wants to do it, she has to try the dress on at least three times before hand, for at least an hour. Make a chart, mark it on the calendar.
• Bribery is fine.
• Pictures of cute flower girls at other weddings are a good idea, preferably people she knows.
• If she doesn't, apologise & explain to fSIL. Pay for the dress, if you can.

Whatever, give her the choice, stand by dd's decision, and back her to the hilt!

I think the 'what Mummy says goes' doesn't work in cases like this because what you want is a HAPPY child. If you're dropping her at nursery then it doesn't matter if she is still tantruming about getting dressed. It's completely different if you want her to 'perform' at a wedding.

OP, I would think about the style of dress too. A long one will be harder for her to get used too. I've had the same problem with dd and used (white) chocolate buttons as bribery. No more weddings looming at the moment, but I am engaged in ongoing training using legging and a gradually longer top!