Are this bride and groom being unreasonable?

[TidyDancer]

Upcoming wedding, children are welcome. Quite large scale do.

One couple are being invited minus their DCs however, because they are very badly behaved. They have run amok at a wedding earlier in the year that the B&G of this wedding were present at. They have also done similar at other social gatherings.

The parents do not discipline their DCs. The mother refuses to because (and she does admit this) she is worried the DCs won't love her if she tells them off. The father is handsoff and defers to the mother on all childrearing issues. This has been the case since they were small children. One is now 10, the other 7.

The parents are angry the DCs have been excluded from this wedding and are thinking of confronting their friends. B&G did not want to have a childfree wedding, but they really do not want the drama and disturbance that accompanies this family with the undisciplined DCs. Other guests that have been present for the behaviour before have actively thanked the B&G for taking this step.

Who is unreasonable? The B&G for excluding the DCs, or the parents for kicking up a fuss about it?

[AmIthatScary]

God, how can anyone seriously think that B & G are unreasonable. It's their wedding, why on earth should they let other parents' lack of parenting ruin their day.

Mean . Hardly

[DontmindifIdo]

Firmly - the problem is the children aren't little, they are 7 and 10, they are well past the 'oh, you expect noise from a toddler' stage, they are definately old enough to behave properly, the B&G's problem is they don't. So they have a choice, invite them knowing they will behave badly or not invite them. If htey go for not inviting them, do they exclude all children to avoid looking like they are 'picking' on them, or do they invite the other children they are happy to have there?

Quite frankly, the parents shouldn't expect other people to have their events ruined because of the parental choices they've made. If you've taken the decision raise your DCs in a way that they don't know how to behave, and won't teach them, then this is to be expected. And this is just the start - as they get older, if they've not been taught how to behave, they will start being excluded by their contempories from parties etc because people don't like people who behave like arses (see above with the woman who's friend's boyfriend got drunk and rude), normal people hate adults like this, they need to be taught to be well behaved as children. It's going to be a sharp learning curve when they grow up, can you imagine what they are going to be like in the work place...

[WankbadgersBreakfast]

If you invite a baby, you have to expect it's going to cry at all the wrong moments.
If you invite a toddler, you have to expect a scuffle as it makes a break for the wonderful marauding-length of aisle. and is hastily hauled out of the way as the bride comes down
If you invite a three year old, they will probably make an odd comment, and find the only muddy puddle.
If you invite a 10 and a 7 year old, you do not and should not expect behavior more suited to a barn full of hooligans.

The Bride and Groom are wonderfully reasonable. They have standards- these children, the poor things, have been shortchanged by their parents, which although not their fault doesn't mean that the Bride and Groom should have to put up with their atrocious behavior. The teen years will hurt for them.

[ThatVikRinA22]

B&G are NBU at all. Its their wedding - they have a right to enjoy it. If the parents of the badly behaved children dont like it then they need to do something about their children - its no one elses problem and nor should it be made so.

they sound pathetic, if they dont want to discipline their kids then they will have to get used to the consequences.

i wonder how they will cope when they are teens and acting like spoilt brats?
the parents are idiots. i wouldnt have much time for them either but certainly wouldnt tolerate their unruly children at my wedding.

they need to step up or get used to this reaction. Good on the B&G i say for taking a stand.

[TidyDancer]

Wankbadger has it perfectly.

The children have been tolerated in the past, when they were tots. They are not that now.

The B&G do recognise this is the fault of the parents and not the DCs, but that doesn't mean they need to accept the DCs behaviour.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Firmly - "Why is it any of your business the way those parents choose to parent their kids?!?!"

If someone has paid £1 deposit per hired glass against breakages (that's what we had to pay at our wedding) and their friends' children have been parented in a way that leaves them thinking it's be a jolly good laugh to smash as many as they can get their mitts on then I'd say it absolutely is their business how the friends choose to parent their kids.

[ravenAK]

Dh & I have a group of friends who regularly get together for house parties (kids in a heap of sleeping bags upstairs, adults in a heap of bottles downstairs).

One family are now not invited for very similar reasons.

There has been huffing.

Tough. We all tolerated their dc's behaviour until it reached the point where every party was impacted on by their dc being badly behaved & their complete failure to deal with it. It wasn't just the evening itself, it was the bitching behind this couple's back before & after, too. It was really poisoning a group friendship.

Eventually I someone took a stand & said 'You're welcome to come round but not to stay the night, because on several previous occasions your dc have ruined the sleepover for other children by their behaviour - you'll need to take them home at bedtime.'

There's still a fair bit of awkwardness & people feeling guilty about it, but better that than the endless 'oh strewth can't we just lock the little sods in the cellar' mutterings.

[wannaBe]

tbh I would have been inclined not to invite any of them, although I don't blame the b&g for excluding just the children and not the whole family.

[NamingOfParts]

The B&G are so NBU.

So many adult friendships are about shared values and experiences. It sounds to me like this is a friendship which has run its course. This is sad but I dont think that the B&G should have their wedding held to ransom by one family.

DH had a relative who parented largely without discipline. Sadly it caused many tensions to the point where GPs didnt want to spend time with them.

Now these children have grown into adults they are perfectly nice people but I think there have been some very hard lessons along the way.

[Christelle2207]

If it was my wedding there's no way I would let those children come. Mind you To keep the peace I'd probably make it a no children wedding or a"close family children only" wedding so as to avoid awkward conversations. If B&g are ok to have this awkward conversation with the parents then tanbu but I imagine it will cause problems.

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

These parents should be ashamed of themselves. It is their responsibility to raise these children to know how to behave, and instill some discipline in them. 10 and 7 is not an acceptable age to be running around screaming and smashing things.
If my children behaved like that, I would be ashamed to take them out in public.
The B&G are not BU in any way to not have their special day spoiled by these awful sounding children. Their parents need to wake up and see the damage that they are doing to their children.

[Christelle2207]

No way I would invite them I mean, some kids I didn't invite to my wedding still turned up!!!!

[TidyDancer]

On the issue of whether or not to leave the whole family out instead of just the DCs, I think the B&G were trying to make the best of a bad situation tbh. They really desperately wanted the parents there, and would definitely have told them the reason in a gentle way if possible. They will still speak with them I'm sure, just that the parents brought up the subject of why their DCs were not invited with someone else and they speculated that it was because the DCs are badly behaved.

B&G would not have let the parents show up thinking it was a childfree wedding.

[CoolaSchmoola]

B&G are definitely not being unreasonable.

A relative of DHs started a fight with another family member at a wedding prior to ours, and was very offensive to most of the family.

Needless to say he wasn't invited to ours.

[mrskeithrichards]

My thinking is a bit all or nothing with these things (ie everyone's partners or none or all friends kids or none) but understand where this isn't possible.

This does sound a bit mean to me but if their behaviour really is that bad, well fair enough.

[cory]

Firmly you can't have it both ways:

either the bride & groom have to invite these children to their wedding- and then it jolly well is their business how they behave, as it's their wedding that will be spoiled and it will be they who have to make up any damages to the owners of the venue/catering firm

or else they can decide not to have them there because they can't have an opinion about how they behave

I do think they've handled it badly though, by letting word get round first. I would either have spoken to the parents first and asked for guarantees that the children would be removed at the first sign of bad behaviour, or else have left the whole family out.

[Cahooots]

My DSis's two DC are like this and they are similar ages. I love my nieces to bits. They are georgeous but they are naughty and very hyper. They shriek and are constantly jiggling about, I feel exhausted after spending the day with them. I certainly would not want to have to invite them to a formal do. I know my DSis and my DBil are a bit crap at parenting but I believe they do their best and they are aware of their DD's behaviour. I feel sorry for them and don't judge them. I guess it would be different if they didn't care. I don't think these things are always totally the parents fault.

I feel everyone is being very harsh on the parents of the not invited DC's although I still think the B and G are being reasonable by not inviting the DC though.

[lovebunny]

quite right not to invite badly behaved children.

[Floggingmolly]

Of course they're not being unreasonable. Good on them for taking a pre emptive strike on their wedding being turned into a circus by undisciplined brats who have form for running amok at gatherings. Their mother mother actually refuses to discipline hem .
I'd disinvite the lot of them if they continued to make an issue of it.

[EasilyBored]

Well I think this is a very good learning point for the mother. There are consequences for your behaviour and all that. If you let your children be hideous in public, then they don't get invited.

Now all she needs to do is filter that lesson down.

B and G are very much NBU. Good on them for taking a stand.

[TidyDancer]

The B&G are nice people, honestly they were just trying to find a way to share their day with their friends. They would have spoken with the parents at the first opportunity, it's just that someone else saw them first. The subject was definitely raised by the parents, and the friend who had the conversation hadn't been told that the children's behaviour was at the root of their lack of invite, they just assumed based on history.

The parents are nice people really, just got some odd ideas about parenting I suppose. They are not intentionally lazy, the situation they are in and how the DCs behave is like a by-product of what I suppose are bad choices. I sympathise with them for the position they are in now, but it is the DCs who are suffering.

[Remotecontrolduck]

I think the Bride and Groom are being totally reasonable

The parents of these two little horrors need a wake up call. If they're a liabilty, they should be excluded and the parents informed why

I seriously cannot stand behaviour like this. It impacts on everyone so it's not a case of 'other people can parent how they want'. Well, they can. Just not at someone else's wedding.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Its a shame that schools are not alowed to do this for trips.

[GreenEggsAndNichts]

B&G are definitely NBU.

This is the sort of situation that leads some people to just exclude all children from their wedding. They don't want to deal with an uncomfortable situation with one or two families with ill-behaved children, so they put in a blanket ban. I think this is a far better solution.

Especially since the children are old enough to have been taught better by now.