Are this bride and groom being unreasonable?

[TidyDancer]

Upcoming wedding, children are welcome. Quite large scale do.

One couple are being invited minus their DCs however, because they are very badly behaved. They have run amok at a wedding earlier in the year that the B&G of this wedding were present at. They have also done similar at other social gatherings.

The parents do not discipline their DCs. The mother refuses to because (and she does admit this) she is worried the DCs won't love her if she tells them off. The father is handsoff and defers to the mother on all childrearing issues. This has been the case since they were small children. One is now 10, the other 7.

The parents are angry the DCs have been excluded from this wedding and are thinking of confronting their friends. B&G did not want to have a childfree wedding, but they really do not want the drama and disturbance that accompanies this family with the undisciplined DCs. Other guests that have been present for the behaviour before have actively thanked the B&G for taking this step.

Who is unreasonable? The B&G for excluding the DCs, or the parents for kicking up a fuss about it?

[TidyDancer]

I can't understand the parent's motivation for doing all this really either. If I'm being generous, I would say it's with good intentions, just extremely misguided. They are not lazy people, they just seem to think (or at least thought) this was the right thing to do. And obviously it was always going to backfire spectacularly. The only thing I don't get with them is why they are so perplexed that other people won't tolerate it. As I said up thread, they seem to realise their DCs are out of control, but their annoyance at this invitation seems to show just how much they feel other people should accept it and make allowances for it.

The father is just as bad, I suspect there would be fireworks if he spoke up now, but tbh I don't see what else they can do. A reaction from the father might be just what the DCs need. My only hope is that their rejection from the wedding is enough to make the parents realise just how unacceptable their parenting is.

I feel sorry for the DCs too, very much so.

[BegoniaBampot]

firmly - are you the childrens's mother?

[HecatePropylaea]

Maybe it's time people were honest with her.

See. We're not there to be our children's friends. That's not our role. Our job is to raise them to be good, nice, independent (as far as possible, depends on circs) people who will go into the world and lead a productive life, and who will be decent to those around them and not be selfish shits.

We simply cannot do that if we are trying to avoid doing anything that has the short term effect of pissing them off . We have a duty to look at the long term. And yes, that means that there will be times when they hate us. There will be times when they storm out of the room and give us the finger behind the closed door (and we yell STOP DOING THAT and they wonder how the hell we knew and it's because we did the exact same thing to our parents... )

When you make being their friend your priority - you let them down. you can be there for them, a good support, have fun, laugh together and love each other - but at the end of the day you have to look at the person you're raising and do what is required.

And that means accepting that they won't always like you. And being ok with that.

[TidyDancer]

Firmly, the children have not been told they are excluded, and the B&G have not publicised why they have not invited them. People have drawn their own (correct) conclusions as to why based on their prior behaviour.

Bride has confided in me because she was afraid she was in the wrong. I have told her she is not.

[NapaCab]

I don't think it's fair to exclude the children and make an example of them. Why invite the parents at all when it's their behaviour that's at fault, not the children? Children will only behave as well as they're taught to so if their parents don't discipline then, how are they supposed to know any better?

It's mean to exclude the children and focus on them as though they're the villains here when really they're just doing what their parents allow them to do. The bride and groom should just have not invited the parents and said that it was because of their children's behaviour at the previous wedding and then the message would still get across to the parens without singling out their children above anyone else's.

[Mrsjay]

you are right Tidy the mother seems to think people should accept these childrens behaviour nobody has too she can parent how she likes but this is the result people will only take so much of it,

[piprabbit]

The saddest thing is that the children may still not grow up loving their mother. They will resent the lack of boundaries and probably grow up feeling that she didn't care enough about them to parent them properly.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Hecate, have I ever mentioned that I am deeply in love with you?

[Mrsjay]

Everything hectate said except my children mutter to themselves , you are not your kids mate imo

[HecatePropylaea]

If you fail to raise your children well - to the point where people dislike their behaviour enough to not want to be around them - you have utterly failed as a parent. Utterly.

I agree with napa actually. I would have not invited the lot of them and been honest with the parents why.

[HecatePropylaea]

annie. does your love involve sending me chocolate...

[JustFabulous]

to Hecate for posting the long post as I helps me.

[Mrsjay]

If you fail to raise your children well - to the point where people dislike their behaviour enough to not want to be around them - you have utterly failed as a parent. Utterly

[TidyDancer]

Exactly Hecate.

The parents are nice people despite the children's behaviour. It would be quite a surprise for any of you to meet them and then see how the DCs are.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Now when my DB got married, rather a long time ago now, he had a child-free wedding except for mine, because he said he knew my boys knew how to behave They did not let us down.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It's so sad for the children. They go to school with yours, children talk. They will know that they weren't invited and all the other children were. They're 10 and 7, they may understand they were not wanted. Bloody parents.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Sorry, Hecate, I ate the chocolate

Look on the bright side, it means I get fatter and you don't.

[FirmlyInTheClosetAsImAMonster]

I still think it is disgraceful.

[TidyDancer]

MrsTerry, that's another aspect of it. The whole thing is a bit of a sorry mess.

B&G didn't want to not invite good friends, but similarly did not want a repeat of the last wedding. Had they been able to speak with the couple before someone else jumped in there, they would've given an explanation of some kind. They will still do this, but obviously by then resentment may well have built up.

My DS is the only one of the group's DCs that go to school with the badly behaved DCs. He's not in the same class as either. There is of course a chance that other DCs at the wedding that I don't know will also be going to the wedding, but I'm not sure.

[TidyDancer]

Firmly, could you explain why? Would you want your wedding ruined?

[Panzee]

Oh my, the bride and groom are my heroes! I utterly admire the stance they've taken. I'm not sure I would have been so brave myself, but in this situation I would totally want to be. :)

[TidyDancer]

Firmly - "Why is it any of your business the way those parents choose to parent their kids?!?!"

This is what I object to most in your comments. When children's bad behaviour and the parent's lack of discipline inpact upon others, it becomes everyone's business who is affected by it. And a B&G having their wedding ruined by two children? Of course it's their business! It's more than a bit ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

[TheMonster]

They are not being unreasonable at all.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

At my wedding, one child ended up in the fountain and there was almost a punch up with another two. The punch up was initiated by some Dfriends' children who are brought up differently to ours, shall we say. At our wedding it didn't matter, the children outnumbered us and we don't care. If I wanted a formal wedding, naice and all that, I would have been livid.

People's parenting does impact on others.