To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

Hope it goes well tonight (in that you are able to state your position and not get too angry with this horrible woman.)

Op, I have 2 daughters - I gave birth to the eldest, I adopted the youngest.

If my mother treated dd2 differently to dd1 I would probably disown her.

I am so sorry your mother is behaving in this way. Very best wishes to you and your family.

You are right.

She is wrong.

I'd have some strong words with your SIL. Unfortunately your mother sounds beyond reasoning with.

Unbelievable. She either treats them all the same or she has nothing to do with any of them, I would say.

can't believe her attitude. Your poor little boy. :(

I would limit her spending on all children to be spent equally.

People that are unable to behave in a civilised manner need to be controlled!

Shameful behaviour from her it is disgusting to miss a child out or favour another.

Fwiw if she fails to follow the rules next year i would open all her gifts check them and rewrap. If she missed out one child all presents would be returned, your children need to understnad she is badly behaved.

My God. What an awful situation to be in.

Just wanted to add my voice in support really. You are absolutely doing the right thing in confronting her about this. Your poor DS deserves to be treated equally. The fact is, he is equal, it is simply your mother who makes him out not to be, and that's not a healthy influence for him to have.

Good luck with the conversation. Thinking of you.

DS is the same race and nationality as the rest of us.
He and my other DS always say that they are brothers and when people ask if they are twins they either say yes and giggle or they say they are brothers from different 'tummy mummys'. My DD (7) says to people that he is her brother just like the other DSs, and the youngest knows no different.
DSs mother died when he was a few months old and his dad didn't want anything to do with him, so he was put into care and as soon as me and DH met him we loved him.

He might have a shit grandmother, but he's obviously a very lucky little boy to have you and your DH as parents.

My mum has always been a little odd. She likes to have things done her way and gets upset when it doesn't happen. She always prefered my eldest brother to me and my youngest brother, so she does have form. This goes as far as saying she disliked my DH and my other SIL until she got grandkids , whereas she loved my eldest DBs wife (The SIL that thinks she has a point) just because she married my eldest brother.

'Different tummy mummys'!

My heart just melted.

'Different tummy mummies'. What lovely kids.

Your DM is the one missing out on all this love if she carries on her path. Not surprised to hear she is like this with other things. OP, I'm not one for playing psychiatrist (can be difficult not just to accept some people are horrible!) but google Narcissistic Personality Disorder, maybe some of it will ring true. If it does, reason will not work and you'll have to just leave her to her misplaced family issues.

That's so sad and at 5 your son probably already feels that he's different in your mums eyes.

I know someone who says she has 2 grandsons, she actually has 4 grandsons but 2 are disabled and then she has a great grandchild but horror of horrors the beautiful little girl isn't white. Disgusting but it is her loss

pictureperfect
Just when I think I've heard it all....

Fucking hell PP

Wow, what a prize bitch. Hope your call goes well OP, your kids are lucky to have you!

I'm just at some of the stories on this thread! I moan like mad about my own MIL but she has never treated my DS1 (who I had when I met her son) any differently to her sons children. I really can't believe that anyone would do that. I'd ask her to send money (that she can afford) and allow you to buy the presents or not to bother at all. YANBU at all, and all your DCs are lucky to have you.

Enmormousnob.

Wow , do you talk like that in real life!? Is there any need for such language?!

Different tummy mummys

That might just be the most adorable thing I've heard in a long long time. All your four children are so lucky to have parents like you and your DH. I agree with everyone else saying cut your Mother, Brother and SIL out (the nasty ones, not your younger brother and his wife) as their warped attitudes about your son will affect all your children sooner rather than later.

You are right, she is SO wrong, just so so wrong. Your ds is a very lucky boy to have you your dh and siblings. I'd have to seriously consider disowning a relative that did such a cruel evil and twisted thing.

I have a feeling all your children are going to be fine with you fighting there corner

Sorry, I know she's your mum and everything, but what a nasty, nasty thing to do .

Yes, I agree with the others - return all gifts unopened if they don't include one for your DS. If she can't be everybody's grandma, then she can't be anyones. That would be my view, I'm afraid.

And yes, "different tummy mummys" is the most gorgeous thing I've heard in a long time :)

Good luck with the call tonight.

It sounds like you have 4 brilliant children that are a credit to you and your husband. Seems like it's your mothers big fat loss not to want to embrace and be part of such a lovely family. My two daughters love the phrase "different tummy mummies" as well and wish they had thought of it.

Oh my word. «sob» Your ds is truly blessed to have been brought into your family. You sound like such a brilliant mum!