To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

Wow! Just wow...

My OH is adopted and an only child and very much his parents' son. The only time it's ever noticeable is when they talk about when they "got" him rather than when he was born. At all other times it makes not the blindest bit of difference. The idea that your DM would single out the "non blood" child over the "blood" children is absolutely unacceptable! Children brought up as siblings wouldn't understand the reason for the different treatment and to highlight any differences would be divisive for the whole family. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days and if she's stuck in the traditional "2.4 children with a mum & day who are still married and have never been married to anyone else nor have any children with anyone else" world then she's in the minority. She is being cruel towards your DS who was already (potentially-obviously don't know the back story) rejected by his mother and now being rejected by his grandmother. Adoption is giving a child a second chance in life and she's sticking the boot into that second chance. What a cow.

YANBU in the slightest. Tell your DM & your SIL to do one.

Was this a family adoption (just wondering as the ages of your other DC make it unusual for your DS to have been placed with you)? If so, is there some sort of 'history' that your mother isn't able to see past with your DS birth parents?

I do think she is being utterly vile btw, just wondering if there is any particular reason for her doing it or if she is just a horrid old stick.

YANBU. Your mother is being a complete fuckwit.

Pendipidy Sat 24-Nov-12 15:59:22

Enmormousnob.

Wow , do you talk like that in real life!? Is there any need for such language?!

Every need, from what I've read. What a bitch! Another one who thinks you should return presents unopened.

What a nasty thing to do to a little boy. I can understand your point of view completely - your ds is every much a part of your family as the rest of your children.
I hope the phone call goes smoothly.

I have only read the first page of this thread but your post, OP, made me so sad and I agree with ALL the replies. My nephews (aged 9 and 10) are both adopted. Their parents (my DB and DSIL) only have them. My parents treat my 2 children (their only "blood" grandchildren) exactly the same as the nephews. They are totally our family; we just got them a different way. I simply do not understand why there would be any issue. I am totally pro-adoption, without it my kids wouldn't have any cousins on my side of the family and that would be really sad. It is such a special bond. My parents are both only children so I feel very protective of the cousin thing, never having had any. You must stick to your correct reactions to this.

Good luck with your call OP - your ds is very lucky to have you your dh and his brothers and sisters as his family

Your mother is a toxic bitch. An adopted child should be treated the same as all the other children - which is what you are doing.

If I were you I would tell her she buys the same for them all and if she doesn't none of them will get any of the presents. You need to protect your adopted son from feeling a second class citizen.

Oh I see what is going on here.....

Your mum had no issues with the idea of an adoption until she found out about the 6 month difference between your two sons...

click...click...whirrrrr...."oh my god, people will KNOW....people will work it out that the boys can't be blood brothers...OH THE SHAME OF IT......MY SMELLING SALTS AT ONCE....."

As if anyone with an ounce of compassion could give a flying fuck at the moon as to whether someone's loved and cared for child actually emerged from the mother's vagina or not....

Creating a child or birthing a child does not make you a parent. It's the parenting bit which makes you a parent.

It's treat them all the same or forget you're a grandmother in my view!

Snowsquonk - I think you are sadly right there - there does seem to be a view in some older generations that adoption is something to be embarrassed about and it's important to 'pass' the DCs off as your own. A 6 month gap is impossible to do that.

Good luck with your call.

Your mum is wrong, when it comes to presents it is all or nobody.

However, my db has an adopted son through marriage and 2 blood sons. My father is very wealthy - non dom tax exile. He has made it very clear that his wealth will be inherited by his blood only and not his adopted grandson. My father does buy him Christmas presents and birthday presents of equal worth and behaves the same around all of the grandchildren.

Pingu did your db actually adopt the child or is he a step child?

Your kids sound gorgeous, bless them!

Thank you all for the complements, my DCs are lovely they have spent the day drawing pictures to send with their letters to santa and playing farm.

I have called my mum, she was very angry that I was even suggesting that I would cut contact if she didn't treat them all equally. She said some very hurtful things and she ended by saying that she would never be a part of our lives ever again and if the DCs ever came looking for her to ask why she just left them, she would tell them how I treated. She then hung up, but I can see her now calling everyone she knows to tell them what a bad daughter I am.

She is deeply toxic, OP. I'm sorry. This reaction proves it. Most people would be horrified and would try to make amends.

Let her tell people. You know the truth.

Oh she really is poison through and through. What could she possibly say to the kids? Your mum didn't like it because didn't love your brother

It is such a shame you have had to do what you did but you have done it because you are a wonderful mother!

I'm not surprised by her reaction TBH but :( for you. Are you ok?

Oh yes what a bad person you are.

You love all four of your dc and expect your mother to do the same. How very naughty of you

So she's not bothered about seeing any of you and now she's going to tell a bunch of lies to cover up her bahaviour?

You are so better off without someone like that. Your children will benefit from not having anything to do with toxic people like her.

My goodness, good on you op that needed to be said. Instead f being embarrassed by her behaviour she does the opposite, just revs the nasty toxic person that she is. What is she going to tell te grandkids then! What a nasty poerson she is because she does not see their brother as art f the family, and the appalling way she treated a 5 year old boy for doing nothi g wrong. Boy they are really going to be happy with her behaviour. No your best cutti g contact with one very toxic woman, you can tell the family the truth. You dont need people like her in your life. She would rather not see her family than gret a little boy with respect and compassion, what a nasty nasty woman.

maryz that's shocking

This all goes to increase my belief that blood relations are no more important and can be a lot less so than the family you choose for yourself. "Blood is thicker than water" - bah humbug.

Pendipidy, why on earth did you feel the need to make that utterly irrelevant comment in the middle of this thread, without any actual relevant comment to the OP? just bizarre.