To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

Best of luck with the call Op.

Your poor little boy .

My brothers dd is his step daughter and we all treat her exactly the same. One of the final things that gave me the confidence to cut all ties with extremely toxic inlaws was when my 4 yo returned from a visit there and said that she wasn't his real cousin not like xxx (dh's nephew) and burst into tears. Some very gentle questioning revealed he had no idea what this meant. To be fair this was tip of the iceberg and small fry compared to some of what they have done but interferring in the close relationship of the kids and our family was unforgiveable to me. It was the beginning of the end and we no longer see them.

Being treated differently like this is extremely damaging for a child. I had this myself from the age of 10 with my stepdad's family once my Dbro was born.

I was treated normally until then, but as soon as their 'blood' grandson was born, the difference was obvious.

I then had my Ex-MIL behave like this too. First she bought a single pram for 'her grandson' when my next child up was only 18mo, and I therefore needed a double, then at Christmas she spent £60 on a toy for 'her grandson' and only £1 each on a colouring book for my DD and DS1, despite the fact that 'her grandson' was just 4 weeks old on his first Christmas.

The final straw for me came in the following March, when she didn't even buy a Birthday card for my DD's 6th Birthday. As my Ex and I had been in an on-off relationship since DD had been just 9 months old, that was noticeable.

My DD got upset that 'Nanny' hadn't bought her a card, so much so that I ended up going and buying DD a card and writing in it that it was from bitch Ex-MIL. When I had to lie to my own DD to protect her from feeling rejected (she already had no contact with her biological father at that time), I cut the Toxic bitch out.

It wasn't until I was pregnant with DS3 7 years later that I started having contact with her again, because she had finally realised that if she didn't treat my DC's equally, it limited her access to them as I couldn't take 'her grandchildren' to see her while Ex was at work if she was going to treat two of my DC's like second class citizens.

Now I'm glad to say that she has accepted all of them, despite the fact that I am no longer with my Ex. It took cutting her out for seven years first though!

Just wanted to add more support for you. [flower] I'm really shocked by this.

It's not only about the present, it goes much deeper than that. The lack of present reflects her whole attitude towards your ds. Her behaving civil with a 5 year old boy who has done nothing is applealing. She is clearly a very toxic and wicked person. It would be very easy therefore to have that talk and I would feel almost empowered like you are in control. You don't need her or people like her in your family. So your SIL agrees with her, i gather that she won't be getting a present than from your mother as she is not blood. Is she treated differently . I think not! So what makes it acceptable for her to treat a little boy in this disgraceful manner. I am incandescent with rage on your behalf.

YANBU It always shocks me when I read threads like this on mn, and sadly I have seen quite a few.

Your Mum needs to be told quite clearly that you love all of your dc equally. Why on earth do they think you love your adopted ds more anyway? And why would they feel the need to balance that with treating him badly.

I would then tell her to stay away from you all until she can treat everyone in the family equally.

That's horrid. Don't think I'd be speaking to my mum if she did that. It's awful. Please stick to your guns x

Goodness, this post has made me so sad so I can't imagine how you're feeling OP. This is very, very wicked of your mother. I just wanted to add a message of support and to say that you are doing a wonderful thing giving another child a happy home.

Horrible woman. Not only is he part of your family and should be treated as such (he's adopted so sticking around!). But he's another child to get excited about and include in the magic of christmas

'Hi Mum. We are hoping that you to spend equal amounts on all the children including DS. If you don't feel you can do that, please don't buy any Xmas gifts for the kids at all. We want all our children treated the same because they are equally important to us'

Oh my goodness, how absolutely heart breaking for you. DD1 is adopted, DD2 is my birth daughter. Never, ever, ever, have the two girls been treated any differently by family or friends. To my parents and in-laws DD1 is nothing less than their adored eldest granddaughter.

When we told her we were going to adopt DS she said she was happy for us. Until she realised that he would be in the same school year as our other DS, as there is only 6 months between them.
(Something they both love and they get very excited when people ask if they are twins)
When he came to live with us she did visit with a gift for him and the other DCs and she took them all to the park. But since then she hasn't done anything with DS or any of the DCs unless we go down to hers.

I have no idea why she feels that she has to treat DS differently to the DCs may be we shall find out tonight.

Just saw this, how very sad for your DS :(
You are absolutely doing the right thing by letting her know this is unacceptable, as someone mentioned up thread I would have told SIL that as she isn't 'blood related' to you she can keep her nasty opinions to herself. As for your DM... there are no words really. Good luck. I think if she continues to disrespect your family you have to take her out of the picture I'm afraid.

That is strange OP. did someone happen in her life around the time of her change of heart? (Not to excuse her, just trying to make sense).

Is your mum a worrier of what other people think ? maybe she didnt want people asking her questions about your son. still doesnt excuse her behaviour but people who are scare of gossip do strange things . she is still acting very cruel to her grandson it isn't fair poor boy

No bloody way. Utterly disgusting behaviour. Either she treats your 4 children the same or she fucks off to the far side of fuck.

What on earth did she think was the problem with being in the same school year?

This made me feel very sad and I just wanted to add my support to you OP. Respect to you as well as adoptive parents, that's a beautiful thing you've done in adopting your DS.

This story makes me sad & angry at the same time, your poor DS. By your mum's logic my stepmum shouldn't get anything for my two boys as they aren't blood related. The subject has never come up, she adores her grandsons & calls them exactly that. I'm not sure that the fact that there are no 'blood ties' has even entered her head.

Do you know why she is like it? Is your DS a different nationality or race? Why did you adopt him? Does he have behavioural/emotional issues?

NOTHING excuses her behaviour but I'm just curious as to what might be behind it. You don't have to answer as I understand it's very personal.

As for the conversation, this is what you say: Either you treat our four children equally or we will no longer consider you part of our lives. This Christmas will be your chance to show us that you are going to observe our wishes and if you choose not to, then it is the end of the road for us.

This is awful :( I hope the conversation goes well tonight OP.

FWIW my Nan was a foster carer up until last October when health forced her out of it a week before a major op! Over the years we all treated those children as one of the family, and her adopted daughter is as much a member of the family as everybody else. The only weird thing about it is that I have an aunty who is 14 years younger than me
Family is not only about blood. It's sad that some feel like that in this day and age.

I hope that your SIL gets some comeuppance too, what a cow.

As far as I know nothing happened in her lifeat that time. Though she is a gossip and is worried about what others think of her.
She said she had a problem with them being in the same school year because our other DS could feel left out. Or the school may not like it.

Oh such a sad thread, but I love the idea of 'adopted twin brothers' bless them - how do they answer?

Op, I've been watching this thread, is your mother toxic in other ways or is this it? If it were me - I do not have a good relationship with my parents - it would be ultimatum time, you either treat them all the same or you just don't see them.

BettingShesLikeThisInOtherAreasTiggaxx

I love the idea of 'adopted twin brothers' too. How lovely, and what a nice family you must be that both DSs feel secure enough to revel in that!

Ah well, I'm afraid if there's no other explanation I'm beginning to join the crowd saying she's just not a nice person (sorry, OP) :(

Good luck with your call.

I'd second that dawntigga