To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

truely this is some of the worst behaviour I've ever heard of - of course YANBU. I would absolutely have it out with her and no, she wouldn't be buying for any of mine if she left one out....nor would she be welcome by with such an attitude.

I hope you print this thread off and mail it to her so perhaps she can reflect on how utterly horrid she is being

In my experience almost all of the kind of people who go on about all that blood being thicker than water bollocks are usually quite emotionally/behaviourally dysfunctional people. They stick together like glue but clearly hate one another's guts and fight and argue constantly. They are frequently incredibly spiteful towards the people they are supposed to love the most, just by virtue of being 'blood'. What a crock of shit.

I just could not be doing with any of that in my life. Create a cosy little island around you and your lovely family and set your mother and SIL adrift. They are tossers.

Yanbu I think you are doing completely the right thing by cutting her out. What a nasty spiteful small minded woman.

sockingpixie your post made me feel sick. (Your ex, not you) My dp is step dad to my dc and the thought of him thinking like that is awful. We have a fire plan and His job is to get my ds out. How awful to think he couldn't be trusted because we have our own ds too.

Good luck - you are doing the right thing. I would do the same. Your ds and your other children will understand and thank you one day

YANBU
It is unanimous.!

The non-present buying is a symptom of how she feels about your DS and is really the tip of he iceberg. The present itself is not important, but the massage is HUGE.
What was she like when you adopted DS? Was she supportive or did she try to discourage you? What are her 'reasons' apart from the nonsensical 'blood' one? Is she devoid of empathy in other ways as well?

I cannot imagine that a woman who is prepared to behave like this is warm and lovely and fun with your other DC, which is sad as well.

Good luck with your phone call. Me, I would have written a letter, because I would be afraid to say something SERIOUSLY unpleasant on he phone. But perhaps that is what is required.

We are ALL behind you (and that practically NEVER happens on AIBU, so you know it is for real!)

I am sorry, but your mother is a cow.

If she can't treat your children equally - she's no right to any of them in her life.

Your poor son.

you're doing the right thing by not letting this go.

blood.

pah.

meaningless.

Accident of birth.

Good luck with your phone call, I hope your mother sees how hurtful and damaging she is being to your son.

And if not, at least she had plenty of warning!

Good luck OP.

I have kicked several family members out of my life, and can assure you that you CAN pick your family, and 'blood' means absolutely nothing when it comes down to the wire.

I hope you and your lovely little family gave a fantastic Christmas, toxic mother free.

Keep your lovely son away from this toxic woman

How very sad. My parents treat my DSC's exactly the same as DS even though 2 of them don't even live with us. In fact my whole family is moving Christmas so they can be involved in it this year (they're going away with their mum over actual Xmas).
Good luck with talking to your mum.

I can't believe how awful this is. So angry at your mother. How dare she?! Agree with what Molly says- you should print this out and show that in all of the many replies you've had, not one person is in her favour because what she's done/ is doing is indefensible!!!!
You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable!
Good luck with your conversation and keep remembering that you are a much better person and a fantastic mum and role model to ALL of your beautiful DCs !
Sending hugs! X

Just seen this. Hope the phone conversation works out for you.

YA soooo NBU. Your mum is an idiot, and so is the SIL who thinks she has a point.

I have an adopted niece. She is just as much a niece as her sisters, although my own brother seemed to think not, just like your mum and SIL. Absolutely hateful attitude, it really is.

My mum used to serve on Fostering and Adoption committees and it's vital that an adopted child's family treats them the same as birth children - and why wouldn't you? You have chosen to bring this little boy into your family as another son - that's now what he is, your son. Your mother should therefore treat him as her grandson and if she can't, then she shouldn't get to treat his siblings as her grandchildren either.

Good luck with the phonecall but I suspect that the end result will be you cutting her out completely.

How sad that members of your family would treat your DS that way

Y definitely NBU and I would have strong words with your DM and SIL. Really shocked at their attitude!

Diabolical.

This poor kid has obviously, for whatever reason, not had a family he could live with.

Fortunately he has found a family that have taken him to their hearts, and love him as their own - because that is exactly what he is. Genetics are only one part of family. And your 'd'm won't accept him.

She needs to put herself in that little boy's shoes for a while, see how she would feel if she was rejected by an adoptive grandparent. Maybe she has enough heart that if she truly thought about this on anything but a superficial level, she'd 'get it'.

I hope so.

Exactly it's Veryntelling how on 7 pages of posts, nobody not one person agrees with her. Makes her behaviour all the more shocking. I would definitely print out these posts and send it to her. She needs to know tat her behaviour is neither acceptable or normal. Keep her away from your family, you do not need her

If you don't get anywhere with the phone call, print out the thread and send it - it is very , very rare to start an AIBU and have everyone in total agreement with you!

I have nothing to add other than... be strong. Tonight will be hard but you are doing the right thing for your four children. Good luck.

YANBU st all!!! That is disgusting

I would message her back saying something like. We have 4 children in our family your welcome to buy for then all equally or not at all otherwise the gifts will be returned to you

I would limit contact too she's going to have a negative effect on your DS as he grows up

Nothing to add either but a big dollop of support for your call and congrats on what sounds like a lovely family unit of 6 :).

YABU - of course she should only buy presents for her "real" grandchildren while a 5 year old looks on knowing he was left out because he's not good enough.

Oh no, wait...

That would be cruel and unfair and deeply horrible.

Children of this age are so sensitive to being left out. He would feel it keenly. You can't let it happen.

She has no right to be in your lives while she is behaving like this.

I would suggest that your DH tells your mum and SIL that he won't agree to any of the family money being spent on them for Christmas presents as they are't his blood relatives.

my grandmother was apparently like this about my adopted cousin. Her birth mother was a catholic and this seemed to be a bit of an issue despite grandparents not being religious to my knowledge.

Don't think my cousin noticed and I only found out as an adult but it makes me so sad as I have never questioned that she is my cousin and thankfully her parents adore her as much as their natural child.

Harsh as it sounds I'm not sure I could maintain a relationship with my mother if she felt this way about an adopted child that I had. It's utterly disgraceful behaviour on her part - why does she feel threatened by him?

How sad, what a hideous woman.
Keep strong and get her telt that her behaviour is unacceptable.

I think your "D"M is being very unfair and downright horrid. Good luck for the phone call later.