To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

[moajab]

I agree with everyone else on this thread. It doesn't matter how your children came to you. They are still your children. You have a lovely family - if your mum doesn't want to be a part of that it's her loss.

To be honest I wonder if the lack of money is really just an excuse for your mum to make her position clear. With all the BOGOF and 3 for 2 offers around, as well as all the cheaper shops, it really wouldn't be hard to get four nice presents even on a limited budget.

[ImperialBlether]

Love how your SIL thinks it's all about blood. Would she think that if your mum didn't get her a Christmas present? There's no blood link there, after all.

Your mum is a disgrace, OP.

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

My other DCs are 7,5 and 2. They haven't noticed yet I don't think but I am also worried that they may pick up on it.

[EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy]

I have no words for how out of order your mother is.

Either she recognises that your ds is YOUR CHILD just like the other three - never mind all this 'blood' bollocks - and repents of her behaviour, or she doesn't get the privilege of a relationship with ANY of your four children.

Be strong, OP. You know what the right thing to do here is.

[Cahooots]

YANBU. (I don't think you needed to ask really). . This is one of the easiest AIBR posts ever.
They sound like nasty people.

[HildaOgden]

I don't think I have ever felt sadder about an AIBU thread...all I can say is thank God you turned out to be a much kinder hearted mother than the one who raised you .

Tell her straight that until she learns to accept your family,including all four children,that she is not welcome to be a part of it.

Save your love and energies for the family you have made (your dh and all the children) rather than the family you happened to be born into.As your (adopted) son has no doubt taught you,it doesn't take 'blood'to make a happy family.....it takes love/bonds/respect/understanding.

[ToffeeCaramel]

"Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs."
I'd get back to her and say that she either treats all of your children equally, or she has no contact with them and then refuse to engage further with her unless she agrees to this.

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

Okay , me and DH have a plan.
The plan is to wait till the tomorrow night when the DCs are in bed and then to call her.
We are planning out the conversation and what I shall say to her and she shall be on speaker so DH can hear too.
Wish me luck

[pigletmania]

Keep us updated please

[ThatVikRinA22]

just think of your children and you wont need luck. (but sending it anyway!) people like your mother arent used to people saying NO to them. it obviously needs saying more often.

[foxy6]

Good luck with you conversation.
I think your mum is being unreasonable My bro has 5 dc and 2 Dd's are adopted, they are Korean so it is obvious to everyone, but they are treated and thought just the same as their biological dc's and I would be ashamed of anyone in My family treated them any different. They are lovely girls and a bonus to our family. Family isn't about blood,its about who cares and loves you, and if you mum can't accept that then it is her loss as I'm sure you ds is a great bonus to you family.

[HildaOgden]

I wish you the best of luck....remember,until this is confronted properly none of you can move forward,it will only get worse if it is 'tolerated' the way it is.She will either get on board and realise she is in the wrong,or it will cause a permananent split.Either way,it will be healthier in the long term for you and your children,you cannot possibly be expected to accept this.

Whatever happens with that conversation,it will be to the advantage of you and your children in the long term.Keep reminding yourself of that if you start wobbling.

[InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream]

I'm 22 and I was brought up by my stepdad from the age of 2. He adopted me at 10.

I have always been treated differently by my stepdads family due to this blood bollocks. My siblings get invited everywhere and get gifts or money for Christmas and birthdays.

Me and my son are not acknowledged.

You have to say something as it will not stop. 20 years of this I've had. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else

[HeadfirstForHalos]

Good luck, you're doing the right thing.

[bondigidum]

I feel extremely saddened after reading this.

Your 'mother' (how can any mother dismiss a lovely innocent little child in such a way?!) is cruel. If she were my mother doing this to my son I would have no trouble cutting her out of my life..

In the thick of things blood means nothing. I would rather be loved by people who aren't blood related than stuck with people who are and that abuse me and I wish the same for every poor soul out there. Your DS is just as special as your other DCs and your mother.. well words fail me. She would no longer be my mother put it that way.

[oldnewmummy]

I'm sitting here in tears reading this, much to the bemusement of DH.

My parents have their faults, but they absolutely adore our (adopted) son, and the idea that he is somehow anything less than their real grandson is just abhorrent.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Your mother is a nasty person.

I was adopted by my stepdad when I was little sadly my mother and him split up but we still had loads of visits until he remarried,the last time I saw him his wife asked me if I saw much of my real dad then got arsey when I replied " not as much as I'd like due to distance but you would know that seen as your married to him"

On the other hand my mums new husband ( of about 19 years) would be deverstated if he was described as anything other than my children's grandad and has always treated them as such.

Ime people who go on about blood relatives being more important than other types do tend to be thick nasty cunts who should be avoided or have stinging nettles hidden in there beds if you are forced to spend time with them

[IneedAsockamnesty]

On a side note one of the things that used to irk me about my ex ( on top of the violence and general cuntyness) was that one day he said to me

"If we were in a sinking boat even if you had hold of my child keeping her afloat,I would let your kids drown to get to my child"

[BookieMonster]

YANBU. Not even a little bit.
You and your DH have done a wonderful thing by welcoming your DS into a secure and loving family. Don't let someone poisonous ruin that security and love for your boy.
Good luck tonight. I imagine that it won't be an easy conversation and I very much doubt that you will hear what you want from your mother. You will, however, have laid out some very simple ground rules that no-one in their right minds could argue against.

[HermioneHatesHoovering]

UNBELIEVABLE :( :( :(

[InLoveWithDavidTennant]

This is so no child should be treated differently. He is your son no matter what. Your mother sounds like a nasty bully and would be better off out of all your lives imo. What a horrid woman.

Makes me

[musicalendorphins]

Good decision to tell her.
I wouldn't bother visiting her, she sounds thoughtless, insensitive and mean.

[AdoraJingleBells]

Your mum is BU, but the SIL is unbelievable. Is she a blood relative? If not WTF is she doing in the family? How dare she stick her nose in when she not "blood"?

I hope the phone call goes well, stand your ground and don't allow them to discriminate against one of your children.

[FellatioNelson]

Your mother sounds like a nutter. YADNBU. I'd tell her where to stick all her presents from now on.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Horrid, she needs to be told very clearly that you love all four the same and if she cannot respect your choices and your family, as a whole, you are going to have to distance yourselves. If she sends only three gifts I would certainly return them.

Let's hope she is never in a position where she needs something essential from unrelated people, like, um, blood.