To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

[ThatVikRinA22]

absolutely stick to your guns, tell her that you are sorry but if she cannot accept that you have 4 children then she should stay out of your lives.

you cannot make her change her ways.She has to want to - and reality is she doesnt.

nor would i want to tbh, she sounds absolutely poisonous. I decided to stop seeing my own mother 12 years ago, never regretted it.

if you decide on this course of action make sure you stay strong - dont let her blackmail you emotionally.

its time you stood up for the little boy she leaves out.

[Smellslikecatspee]

Rarely comment on 'child' threads yes I am one of thoes MNers with no children.

But felt moved to comment on this one.

Please don't let you mother spread her poision on to another generation.
You and your DH were brave enough to get through the whole adoption process, you are brave enough to (a) tell her that it is your way or nothing and then (b) to do it.

We have various weird and always wonderful relationships in my extended family, some legal some not, that's is teens with bad family lives who kind of moved in at various times. And still see my family as theirs too.

Family is what you make it, you have yours, your DC all 4 of them, your DH and his extended family, your youngest Db&SIL.

Your mother and other SIL can chose to be part of that family and treat your DS with the respect he deserves, or they can fuck off.

[DizzyCow63]

YADNBU, your mum and SIL are so far out of line, please please stick to your guns and don't let her buy for any if she isn't buying for them all.

My lovely lovely cousin has just been approved to adopt and is waiting on a 'match' (is that the correct term). My whole family are beside themselves with excitement and cannot wait to meet him/her and welcome them to the family, and I am amazed anyone could treat a child who has obviously already had a rough start in any other way and

[GoldPlatedNineDoors]

Wow. Just wow. What an utter bitch your DM is. You have four children. How dare she be so cruel as to relegate one of your children to the bottom of the pile.

Stand your ground - tell her until she is willing to accept that she has four grandchildren in your family then she can bloody well act like she has none. If she sends gifts for three, send them back.

[CaliforniaLeaving]

Stick to your guns she can't treat one of your children differently like that.
My youngest is adopted, and my Mum and Sis both treat her like I gave birth same as the others. Actually they spoil her rotten which I think is how it should be.

[aPirateInaPearTree]

bloody bitch. poor little chap.

made me so

[Morloth]

I think you have to cut her out to.

Not only will this damage your DS it will deeply affect your other children and also their relationships with each other.

If your DB/SIL can't handle the cutting out, then they go as well.

Your children are more important.

I just can't get my head around such an attitude, you don't even need to be officially adopted in our family to be treated like one of us.

[Princessishavingababyboo]

Hi, just found your thread, read most me it but as every post says exactly what I was thinking I didn't need to read in much detail. As for cutting her out, I would write her a letter, 0hat way there cannot be any mixed messages, crossed wires or emotional blackmail.

May I congratulate you on becoming such a generous spirited lady, despite your mother, and what you and dh have done is amazing.

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

I think you are making the right decision.

My mum remembers one of her aunts for the dolls house she gave her sister. My mum got a second hand book. It was the worse Christmas of her life, when her sister unwrapped this massive dolls house, and she a tatty old book.

Even now, in her demented state, she talks about it, and feels sad and hateful. My mum is the kindest and gentlest of women, who never harbored ill feelings towards anybody, except that aunt.

[fluffypillow]

You can't let this continue op, but then you know that already.

I feel so sad for your little boy. He has obviously found a loving family, but to let your mum make him feel an outsider is just not acceptable.

I would go and see her, and tell her straight that she either treats them all the same, or she will have nothing more to do with them. Make it clear that you don't care if they all get a packet of pencils each, as long as it's equal.

Drum into her how important this is to you, and should be to her.

This behaviour shocks me. If I were in her situation, then I would be going out of my way to make sure the new member of the family felt part of things.

Christ, some people

[Figgygal]

Your mothers attitude is disgraceful as I'd your sil you sound lovely btw......bloody hell

[lookingfoxy]

Wow im shocked that anyone could be this heartless!!
I definetly think you need to protect your son from your mother and sister in law, the comments they may make to him or the way they treat him could have an effect on his self esteem for the rest of his life.

I know its hard as its your mum but i definetly agree with your husband.

And lets face it, when do you ever see everyone agreeing on an 'aibu' thread!

[ihavenonameonhere]

Stick to it!

My Mum buys for her niece every Christmas and her sister even though she isnt actually her "niece" and she hasnt seen her in about 6 years but she hates the thought of someone feeling left out

[Viviennemary]

If she doesn't acknowledge your son. Then don't you acknowledge her.

[3bunnies]

It really hurts when one of your dc isn't acknowledged in the same way as the others. For different reasons my sis and dh's bro treat ds differently to our two girls (no biological difference - well other than the obvious!). BIL + SIL send birthday presents to the girls, but not ds, he just gets a card. He's too young to realise yet, but I do and it almost physically hurts me, YADNBU. Even they give presents to them all at Christmas. How old are your other dc, do you think they realise yet, how do they react?

[Flojo1979]

Awww bless him, he's only 5 years old, how utter disgusting your mum is. It's the kind of thing my mum would do, so I know exactly how it is. However, mum or not, she needs telling, and presents aside I wouldn't want her anywhere nr any if my DCs until she stopped being like that.

[chroniclackofimagination]

Really feel for you OP, your Mother has put you in a horrible position. My little brother is adopted (and a different skin colour to the rest of us do it's obvious) and I remember how hurt and angry I would feel as a child when some ignorant asshole made a stupid remark. I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would be as a Mother and if that asshole were family.

[Hopingforno2]

I have nothing that hasnt already been said to add, cut her out u poor children deserve better than that. I just cant believe anybody would act this way!! Print off this thread and attach it to a letter telling her to not bother buying anything!!xx

[vamosbebe]

This has made me feel so, so sad.

DH's family is big and we're all trying to work out what family meet-up to do for Christmas. FIL lives with one SIL and one BIL within 10 miles of everyone, including another SIL with DP and one DC, and another BIL with DP and 5 DC. SIL and BIL who live with FIL in a HUGE house don't want to host the get-together because of the BIL with the 5 DC, aged 2-11, as they're a bit rowdy - like normal kids! It's all leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouth. A cheapy restaurant was considered, but for BIL it still means paying for 7 people. I think we'll squeeze everyone into our tiny house just because that's what Christmas is about.

This is getting really nasty and I feel awful for the feelings surrounding the big BIL family, but that's not a PATCH on what you're going through, OP.

I hate other people's shit

[ToffeeCaramel]

I cannot imagine what sort of person would think it ok for an adopted child to see his brothers and sister open presents from a grandparent, but not receive one himself. That would send him a very stong message about his worth. Thankfully you are not going to allow him to get that message.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

YANBU.

Please don't take this the wrong way but your DM and SIL come across as really unpleasant people.

[MissWinklyParadiso]

I was going to ask if she had done.things like this previously before I saw you.posted about your mother playing favourites with you and your brothers.

If your much loved son wasn't.adopted, this bitch WOULD have picked one of your children to be the pariah child based on some bullshit criteria.

I would consider lying and telling her your other.children were conceived with donor eggs and sperm so they're not 'blood' either. Not helpful at all of course but I would enjoy the look on her face.

[MissWinklyParadiso]

Also its clear that your brother has married his mother. Naice.

And you could not be less unreasonable about this if you tried!!

[threesocksmorgan]

yanbu
he is your son, and tbh she imo she buys for all or for none.