To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

[pigletmania]

I would text her tat you will not accept any presents if there is none for dc4. If she des buy fr only 3 dc, forget it, give them to charity. When you speak to her, say unless you change your ttitude we will not see you as you are a bad infuence

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

WelshMaenad- I turned out okay because my dad was a lovely man who tried his best for all his DCs and I am sure that if he was alive he would love all 4 DCs.

[snala]

What are you going to do op?

Your mum is clearly a nasty piece of work. Are you going to cut her out of your life? She has no place in it with her vile behaviour.

[hermioneweasley]

It's not just about the gifts though, is it. If this is her belief/attitude, it will show in her behaviour towards your kids and be very unpleasant for your DS. Having stated this is how she feels, I think I would feel I have no choice but to stop her seeing all my children in order to protect them.

How very very sad for her.

You, on the other hand, have your lovely family to be with at Christmas. Have fun!

[pigletmania]

She s a nasty, toxic, spiteful cow

[Redstockingswillstopsanta]

I have just read your thread to my DH,who is adopted he is totally at your mother,he was adopted after my pils had been married for 17 years ,so he was a very much wanted addition to their family,luckily mil later had 2 bio children,but they are all treated the same.
My DH is 52 but still tells our children about things he did with his grandad,he said he would just say goodbye and tell her if you can't accept one of my children don't accept any of them.

[PumpkinPositive]

She would be my EX mother.

Your SIL sounds a cow too.

[RosannaBanana]

One of the most horrible things I've ever read on mumsnet, petty, selfish, small minded... I am fuming on your behalf. YANBU!

[mum2threesons]

That's awful. I wouldn't accept anything off her. I must admit I think I'd keep my distance from anyone who is a vile as her (sorry if that offended you).
I agree with the above posters..tell your SIL to keep her nose out.
Big hugs

[cutegorilla]

YAmostdefinitelyNBU your poor DS :(. Glad he has other family members to love him. I think it's very important how you deal with this because it will affect how he, and his siblings, see his place in the family for years to come.

[WildWorld2004]

Your mum & SIL are being nasty cows. You have 4 children. With you wanting them all to get the same is not loving your ds more, it is because you love all your children the same.

I agree with others. I would return gifts unopened & cut them two nasty people out of your life.

[FobblyWoof]

It's not just the presents but that fact that in your OP you say DM is civil to DS. That's awful. I'm civil with people I don't like, and I don't like them because they have done something to me. Your DS is an innocent little boy.

It's difficult, but from what you've said eventually you'll have to choose between DM and DS and she'll be the one losing out

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I am going to have to cut her out.
You are all right I can't let her treat DS like that.
Any suggestions on how to do this? I could call her or just text her but then it is important so it may be better face to face.

[LDNmummy]

It sounds like your mum has her own issues that she is projecting onto your situation.

I feel for your adopted child being caught in such a situation. I think you are doing the right thing by saying nothing at all for any of the children.

[SlightlySuperiorPeasant]

I would call her.

[TheBolter]

Utterly flabberghasted by this. OP I feel for you. Stick to your guns and tell her to sod off.

[besmirchedandbewildered]

Exactly what lechatnoir said. It will rip your kids apart to be treated as different classes of grandchild.

[LostSeasonings]

I would have nothing to do with someone who was cruel to one of my kids, whether they were a blood relative or not.

You've got your family - she doesn't need to be a part of it

[hermioneweasley]

Aname- I would think very carefully about your 'script' and I would also anticipate her objections or offers and how you will respond, then I would call her (perhaps on speaker with DH there so he can keep you in track?).

[pigletmania]

Face to face in a frank talk with her. You cannot let your dcs be exposed to someone like that.being civil to a 5 year old boy who has done nothing to her. Just confirms what a nasty piece of work she is

[PumpkinPositive]

Aname is your son a different race to you the rest of your family? Not that this should factor into whatever decision you make regarding future contact with your mother, but its hard to fathom what could possibly be driving her behaviour.

[snala]

I would call her.
Tell her straight , unless she accepts that you have 4 dc and she treats them all equally that you and DH have decided its best for your family that you no longer have any contact with her or you sil.

[exoticfruits]

She maybe your mother but I would tell her firmly that you have 4 equal children and if she is going to miss one out she has to miss them all out and that presents be equal. Show her the thread- ask her how she can be so cruel. I have DCs by different fathers and they just have extra grandparents- each lot treat them the same.

[toomuch2young]

YASOSOSOSONBU!
My god, your poor DS, who out of all your DC MOST needs love and security!!
Gosh I'm usually calm and rational but this has made me so angry.
Just tell her. Phone, text, or even better show her this thread and hope she feels an ounce of remorse as you and her 4 grandchildren are out of her life.

[ThatBintAgain]

YANBU.

It is not nice being the child who gets treated differently. I still remember clear as day the day I overheard my step-grandfather saying "I'll take our two to visit Aunty x" meaning his daughters' children and not me and my brother.

My experience left me thinking that blood is thicker than water as despite this "family" claiming we were part of them, when it came to the crunch they were all about blood and didn't really give a shit about me and mine.

It would be lovely if your DS didn't have to grow up feeling as shit as I did - sounds like he's lucky to have you.