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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

659 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 23/11/2012 21:07

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

OP posts:
MaryChristmaZEverybody · 20/12/2012 19:49

Does your brother have any children?

I wonder how he would feel if she sent one of them an ipad and the other nothing?

I suspect he might change his mind.

Fuckers.

We3bunniesOfOrientAre · 20/12/2012 19:57

Someone is being 'deliberately awkward and nasty' here, but it definitely isn't you. Well done for standing up for your ds.

AchristmasnameIcouldnotthinkof · 20/12/2012 20:05

My brother has 3 DCs with my SIL.

verylittlecarrot · 20/12/2012 20:07

This is gut-wrenching to read. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a vile attitude from your mum OP. You are doing the right thing, hold firm. You owe it to all your children to bring them up knowing they are loved equally, and that none of them are better loved or less cherished than any other. Anyone who could make one child feel less loved or worthy than the others does not deserve to be considered family. To be frank, all your children need to be protected from this attitude as it will damage them all in time. Imagine the conflicting emotions and loyalties they will have to deal with when they realise that accepting Grandma's conditional gifts and affection comes at the expense of betraying their beloved sibling?Sad

MaryChristmaZEverybody · 20/12/2012 20:50

It would be interesting to see his response if you sent a present to one of his children, but left the other two out (maybe the oldest or youngest, and make up a spurious reason - he/she has the same colour hair as me, or is the same sex as me or is good at art like me).

Say you feel more affinity with that child, you feel closer to him/her and since you don't have an awful lot of money you won't be buying for the other two.

Just see whether he would sit up and think.

And then add "obviously I wouldn't be such a bitch, so here are the other presents".

My fil never once bought a present for dd. Not one, not even a Christening present. She made the massive mistake of being adopted and being a girl Hmm. Fortunately he died when she was only four so she never noticed.

pigletmania · 20/12/2012 21:09

Good idea Mary

moajab · 20/12/2012 21:46

Your mum thinks you are a bad parent Xmas Confused Cos it's really bad to love all your children equally and not play favourites like she did... Xmas Hmm

And your brother wants sympathy for your mum, when they can't show any love and compassion for a little boy at Christmas? Is he really that stupid? Or do you think he just enjoys the extra browny points for being Mum's hero?

pigletmania · 20/12/2012 21:55

Yes Moab a bit of mummies pet I think

SpecialAgentKat · 21/12/2012 02:08

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 20-Dec-12 19:21:44
Your mum sound evil. Sorry but she is very very wrong in the head

Sums it up.

In a way though I think your brother is worse. He doesn't come from a generation where there's at least 'that' excuse. He's willing to treat a little boy - his nephew - like this just to appease his mummy.

Same comment applies to him too I would say.

ChristmasCaatje · 21/12/2012 03:29

OP, I think your DM is horrible! Is there any way you can print out all these replies and send them to her....give her some 'interesting' literature to read over Christmas?
I wish you and your family all the best!

MollyMurphy · 21/12/2012 05:05

OMG! I can't believe what utter assholes they are! I'd print this thread off and send it to them.

who even behaves like this!? To go to your husbands workplace....they are controlling bullies. I bet its that your not under their rule that bothers them the most.

corblimeymadam · 21/12/2012 05:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 21/12/2012 07:43

I know turning up at your dh work, you brother sounds not right, the apple never fall far from the tree op, your te exception of course.

Those two are just toxic and you would be better off having nothing to do with them. Yes please print out this thread and sed it to both of the, as they obviously need it spelled out to them

MissLToeishavingsantasbabyboo · 21/12/2012 07:59

Is your mother made from evil or stupid?? Such expensive gifts for only 3 of them is just her trying to make her point and clearly only going to make the problem worse, how did she think dc4 would feel missing out on a tablet game? I hope you do show her and 'd'b this thread, maybe they will start to think about how they have treated your children. This is just heart breaking Xmas Sad

bringbacksideburns · 21/12/2012 08:25

Concentrate on having the best Christmas ever and rip up the card. Ask your brother how he would feel if one of his kids was deliberately left out and leave it at that.

The woman is a prize dickhead.

WakeyCakey · 21/12/2012 09:15

OP your mum is a solid gold BITCH. She doesn't deserve you or your children at all!
my DM left my Dsd's name off our Christmas card this year and when i brought it up she said 'oh daisy, i forgot about her'.....her name isn't even daisy. that was enough and I haven't spoken to her since!

you are an amazing mum and its so nice to see teamwork from you and your dh xx

BoundandRebound · 21/12/2012 09:17

Write on card

We have 4 children. You have 4 grandchildren.

Send it back

Squitten · 21/12/2012 16:16

Ignore, Ignore and Ignore again.

They are trying to get a reaction out of you so they can continue to argue/negotiate a compromise from you whereby you will allow them to treat your adopted son differently.

Any contact needs to be met with: "We have discussed this already and as I see you haven't changed your mind, the subject is closed." All notes, etc, chucked in bin. Same with your brother - no contact other than telling him the above.

ProphetOfDoom · 21/12/2012 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeezyOrangePips · 21/12/2012 20:14

Can't believe that they don't get that he is your son too.

He's not just some kid who happens to be visiting, which is how your mum seems to view it.

YOU are not depriving your children of presents. SHE is depriving them by depriving one of them. You are absolutely and positively in the right, you and your OH are fantastic.

And everyone here agrees.

Smellslikecatspee · 21/12/2012 20:30

Dear OP

99:99% of the time I love that no-one knows who you are on MN.
However this time I wish I could find you and your DH& 4 DC give you all a great big hug.

You all sound lovely.
Your mother and brother, well words fail me.

As for going to your DH over your head for want of a better way of saying well that would get him a clip around the ear in our house/family.

Plomino · 21/12/2012 20:32

Bloody hell ! Does terminal stupidity run in the family then ? How can they possibly , possibly see that treating anyone this way , let alone a child FGS , would be acceptable to any right thinking person .

Our family is somewhat convoluted . I have a DSD , but she is never referred to as such, by anyone in either our family , or as a half sister to her other brothers with dH's exW , who I count as a really good friend . She is always , always , a sister . Nothing else . My family , parents , aunts, GP's all treat her identically as they do the rest of the tribe . She is, and will always be of equal status .

Awkward ? They should hang their heads in shame .

MollyMurphy · 21/12/2012 21:33

DONT chuck notes in the bin though - save everything...just on the off chance that she goes for access or some such nonsense.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 21/12/2012 22:05

Just read whole thread, and have tears in my eyes, how can someone be so awful :( I have 2 children (1 was adopted) luckily everyone in the family treats them the same, I did have to lose contact with a so-called best mate who could not get her head round the fact I could love both my kids the same even though I only gave birth to one !!!!!

Very toxic and best out your life.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 21/12/2012 22:06

and yes and agree with MollyMurphy keep everything

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