Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

659 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 23/11/2012 21:07

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 18/12/2012 13:51

By sending the gifts back and not accepting them you are sending a message that her nasty behaviour will not be tolerated

sosadforhim · 18/12/2012 14:03

I found this very upsetting to read, I think you've done the right thing. I know it's your mum, but this is just a truly awful way for her to behave.

WHo could treat a child like that? He came to you at 3... that's practically still a baby. Then say you don't love your other children as much? Of course you do.

Glad your little ds has found lovely parents to look out for him.

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 18/12/2012 14:09

I'm lost for words, really appalled by your mother.

I would not be surprised if she tries anything else underhand, and I guess you're bracing yourself for abuse from her and potentially your older Bro as well.

All your DCs have a wonderful mother.

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 18/12/2012 14:13

My cousin is adopted (he's practically my brother because my aunt and uncle practically raised me)

He is blood.

Your mother and SIL are disgusting in their regard for your DS

pigletmania · 20/12/2012 07:38

Hi op did your mum get those presents back Smile

sparklytinselandthings · 20/12/2012 10:56

This thread is so sad. Sad
How can anyone be so cold hearted towards a 5 year old? True, some people do feel more strongly towards so called 'blood' relations and in her head she'll still see your child as your friend's child.
That's not the case now though, he's part of YOUR family, and just as important as his now siblings.
To give the other kids presents and not him is heartbreaking to think of (I have a 5 year old and a slightly older child, and to think of him not getting anything while his brother did is horrible!)
You treat kids the SAME. Not one over the other. And she sent expensive presents like DS consoles for your children and not for him? Angry You so did the right thing sending them back, good on you. You're sending a great message that you're all family now and she needs to like it or lump it.
He's lucky to have you. Cold hearted family members are the ones missing out Sad

pigletmania · 20/12/2012 11:18

Exactly there are now 4 children in the family she needs to get for all or for none at all. How she could go shopping for only 3 presents knowing there is a poor little boy that's he is not getting anything for is beyond me. It would take one colds earthed, wicked and cruel individual to do that. No normal person would do such a thing

pigletmania · 20/12/2012 11:22

It's not about blood it's deeper than that, it's about the core and soul of somebody, about treating another human being (little boy) with kindness, compassion which she as not

sparklytinselandthings · 20/12/2012 18:10

Have you heard anything since sending the presents back? Just wondering how she took it.

Original poster
AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 20/12/2012 18:48

We had a card from my mum today, it was hand delivered whilst I was taking the DCs to school.
It was full of abuse towards me and DH basically saying that we were bad parents. It said that she hoped we would come to our senses.
My older brother came around whilst the DCs were in school and he was trying to make me feel sorry for my mum and telling me how much effort and money she had spent on the presents. I stuck to my guns. He said he would talk to DH about it because I was being 'deliberately awkward and nasty' towards my mum and depriving my children of presents and contact with my mum.
He then went to see my DH in work Angry (Totally inappropriate where DH works anyway) and tried to argue with him about it. DH told him too get lost. He has tried to call since but I haven't bother to answer. Mainly because the DCs are here but also because I am too angry with him to be calm with him.

OP posts:
EuphemiaInExcelsis · 20/12/2012 18:51

Bloody hell they just don't get it, do they? Shock

And as for going to DH because he got no joy from you!

Unbelievable.

Stay strong - you know you're in the right.

JustFabulous · 20/12/2012 18:55
ChunkyTurkeywiththetrimmings · 20/12/2012 18:56

Ironic - calling the OP a "bad" parent...Hmm

Hello "Point", you have been completely missed by the OP's DM & DB.

pigletmania · 20/12/2012 18:58

Omg they must be so thick, all the more to have nothing to do with them. No she is the bad mum not you. You stick to your guns. Please print out this thread and send ut to your mum and brother as they are so stupid they don't get how nasty and toxic they all are

pigletmania · 20/12/2012 19:01

Next time op the presents should come back in pieces that will teach her. I am sure your dc will not want any of her presents if they knew their brother did not get any, no you all stay strong

pigletmania · 20/12/2012 19:04

All your children will be getting enough presents I am sure, tat they won't miss any from their gran, shakes head in disbelief that ther are some seriously cruel nasty toxic people in the world

Purple2012 · 20/12/2012 19:05

So pleased you are sticking to your guns. I cannot believe your mum is behaving like this. I know it must be upsetting having your mum behave like this but you are doing the right thing.

I posted earlier in the thread about how my mum and dad treat my stepdaughter, age 15 like she was my own. She was 11 when I met OH. Even my 89 year old grandmother treats her the same as all the others, loves it that she calls her Nan and has told her there is always a room at her house for her when she is older!

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems · 20/12/2012 19:15

OP I hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas and this doesn't upset you anymore.
You will raise lovely children who wouldn't want a present for them if one of their siblings didn't get one and everyone else did.
When I am a grandparent (hopefully not for a few years as I am only 30!) I want to have as many grandchildren as possible to feed chocolate to and let them stay up past bedtime and cuddle and buy presents for. Don't care if they are adopted, step whatever, I will just enjoy them.
Someone will end up a sad lonely old woman this Christams and forever and its not going to be you!

pigletmania · 20/12/2012 19:20

Look at it this way, you have nearly 500 messages agreeing with you, who s the wrong one here, certainly not you

gimmecakeandcandy · 20/12/2012 19:21

Your mum sound evil. Sorry but she is very very wrong in the head :(

boobybum · 20/12/2012 19:23

We're talking about a little boy here who was really no more than a baby when you first adopted him and your mother has 'issues' with him???!!! How can anyone feel that way about such a young child? It's not as if he is some problem teenager who is causing havoc! It really saddens me that there are people like your mother and SIL in the world. I don't think that all kids should necessarily have the exact same amount spent on them, my youngest for example have no concept of presents and would be chuffed with a lolly but to spend less because of genetics is madness. What would your mother do if she found out her grandchildren weren't genetically hers (mixed up at birth for example) - reject them? She and your SIL really don't sound like the sort of people you or your children need in your life.

claudedebussy · 20/12/2012 19:26

they are unbelievable fuckwits.

well done for staying strong and sticking up for your wonderful ds. your family deserve you. your mother does not.

have a good christmas!

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 20/12/2012 19:29

I am utterly gobsmacked at your mum and brother. I don't thnk I have the words.....

GailTheGoldfish · 20/12/2012 19:29

Unbelievable, what gits they are. How anyone can think like that i beyond me. Merry Christmas to you OP and your DH and beautiful kids Xmas Smile

prettybird · 20/12/2012 19:37

You are a brilliant mum to all your children, OP Xmas Smile

God knows how with a toxic mother like that Xmas Hmm

And your dh sounds lovely. How you have a lovely Christmas with your younger brother and your in-laws. Your real family! Xmas Smile