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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

659 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 23/11/2012 21:07

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

OP posts:
AchristmasnameIcouldnotthinkof · 21/12/2012 23:02

We have kept the note just incase.

quicknamechange5029 · 21/12/2012 23:05

I would tell your SiL you wont be buying for her this Christmas as she is not a "blood relative"

As for your situation YANBU what horrible behaviour.

PrincessScrumpy · 21/12/2012 23:29

dh and I hope to adopt dc4 in the future and I would absolutely expect all children to be treated the same. I would day buy for all or none as you should, as a parent, love all children equally.

stifnstav · 21/12/2012 23:45

We're all behind you OP.

You are in the right.

For gods sake, if anything happened to wipe out my family, I would want someone to step in. To think that the new parent of my child would be put in this predicament is beyond thinking.

She is unhinged. A loony.

Keep the notes. Your children might ask questions in years to come and she'll have explained her mad perspective in her own handwriting.

I would rather have a sibling than a DS. I think your kids will feel the same. Shame on her.(proud of you)

stifnstav · 21/12/2012 23:49

Nintendo DS not Ds

BartletForTeamGB · 22/12/2012 08:37

"Can't believe that they don't get that he is your son too.

He's not just some kid who happens to be visiting, which is how your mum seems to view it."

My DH and I have read this thread with horror. That just sounds awful. Even if he was some lad visiting for a few weeks, I can not even imagine that my DPILs or DPs would treat him any differently and that he'd get presents the same as my other children. That's just normal, no?

Well done with how you have dealt with it.

Damash12 · 22/12/2012 11:19

I'm absolutely stunned that anyone could treat a child in that way. Especially a child that as undoubtedly probably suffered enough to not be with his real parents. My god if I knew of a family with an adopted child I would make every effort to include that child asking as the others. I've only read the original post so don't know of any later updates but my answer would be no way! If you can't treat him like the others we don't want your gifts. I'm sure your children will have enough and if needs he I'd tell them the truth and say it isn't fair and do they really mind. I doubt they would. I'm amazed... And Christmas is a time if what???......

MrsFlibble · 22/12/2012 22:03

Op Your mother is just vile, my DD has no blood relations on her dads side (he was adopted), but she is a member of that family, end of. My BIL said last year, while a little drink that he loved he stepson, my DN, like he loves his other children, my DM treats my his son like a hes her grandchild, much like his parents treats my DN as a grandchild.

Family doesnt have to be blood related to a family, love and respect makes a family.

I'd tell your mother not to bother, its all 4 or none at all.

LatteLady · 22/12/2012 22:19

I have just read through this thread and just want to say, whatever your mother may think, you have four fabulous children who are going to have a wonderful Christmas with loving parents.

I think of how my granny raised 12 children and then took in the baby next door as her mother died in childbirth... she is and will always be my Auntie Dolores and my mother's youngest sister, no question. Not only did she do that but when two of my aunts were working in a munitions factory in WWII, one of their friends fell pregnant and the chap did not come back from a flying operation... granny adopted her too, when the people who were to adopt her refused because she had a heart condition... I am sorry that your mum does not reflect your generosity of spirit.

Now your children will all have a gift that no-one else can give them, a boundless mother's love. Merry Christmas to you and all of yours!

pigletmania · 23/12/2012 08:01

You don't treat anyone like she is treating your ds: friend, child, relation, collegue,she is absolutely disgusting. She would rather not see her grandchildren, than treat your ds, who has suffered such tragedy in his young life with, compassion and kindness. Really op you are best with not having nasty toxic oeople in your children's lives. So what if she has spent time and money choosing presents, she did not get your ds anything so that counts fr nothing. Next time all presents go back to her in pieces than she will know what hurt and rejection feels like. Have nothing to do with those toxic people

Zara1984 · 23/12/2012 08:32

I just read this thread crying :(

OP your mother is a fucking bitch, I'm sorry but there's no other way to describe her. Cut her and your older brother and SIL out and live your lives in peace.

I have a 8 week old DS and got wills for DH and I done this week. If DS were treated this way by the extended family of his legal guardians.... god, it makes my heart physically hurt.

OP you did a wonderful thing for your DS and his late birth mum. I hope your family (and your DB & DSIL & kids) have the most AMAZING Christmas with your MIL.

It's not often that a thread on MN has unanimous responses. Give your DS a big hug and a kiss today from allof us! Smile

pigletmania · 26/12/2012 10:59

Hi op how was Christmas, did you have a lovely one with your fantastic in laws and younger brother

Veritate · 26/12/2012 11:30

I thought your mother's excuse for not buying anything for your ds this year was that she couldn't afford it? How does she reconcile that with the expensive presents she did ultimately buy?

pigletmania · 29/12/2012 09:12

Hi op did your mum change her mind and decide to act like a decent human being then!

Ilovecake1 · 29/12/2012 10:20

This thread has made me feel so upset. For the sake of your DC please keep them away from her....what a vile bitch!

jessjessjess · 29/12/2012 11:12

I'm not sure what I find more shocking - your mother's appalling attitude or other people actually trying to justify it. Well done for being a much better person than your mother.

AlienRefluxThanksFuckThatsOver · 29/12/2012 11:31

Yes op how did your christmas go?

Original poster
AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 30/12/2012 13:18

Our christmas was great thank you.
My mum did not change her mind and has not had any contact over christmas.
The DCs didn't notice that she didn't get them anything because they were excited so we didn't have to answer any questions and upset them on the day.
They all had a lovely time with MIL and were all treated exactly the same Smile

OP posts:
AlienRefluxThanksFuckThatsOver · 30/12/2012 13:25

That's great, she's making a massive mistake, but it's her call

ProphetOfDoom · 30/12/2012 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forgetmenots · 30/12/2012 13:32

Great news. It's her loss. Hell will mend her!

pigletmania · 30/12/2012 22:00

That's great news, it's best to have nothing to do with a nasty woman who cannot act like a decent human being.

moomoomar · 30/12/2012 22:44

I'm so glad you had a fab Christmas, your mum sounds nasty. I would be so proud of you if you were my daughter.

pigletmania · 30/12/2012 22:45

You are doing the right thing, your all that little boy has. You and dh have to stick up for him.

Turquoiseblue · 30/12/2012 23:01

Op - wishing you and your family joy and happiness in the new year.
You did the right thing. Just read the tread, with my dh, we are both horrified at the sheer injustice to you and your dh and dc s, your family, your mum will be a lonely old woman. I m so shocked and horrified at the attitude and stance her and your bil have taken. Shocked. They should be ashamed.
Take strength from the love you and your kids have for each other and your happy family unit. Xx

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