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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

659 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 23/11/2012 21:07

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

OP posts:
moajab · 16/12/2012 23:28

I am Xmas Shock at your mum. She has sunk to a new level now. But it does at least prove that she could afford presents for all four, but is just too nasty to do it. Bad enough that she cant accept your DS as her grandchild. But to use Christmas to make her point....
Feel very Angry on your and your family's behalf. But I know you are going to have a fab Christmas, while she is going to spend it miserable and bitter. Her loss.

ProphetOfDoom · 16/12/2012 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nannyof3 · 17/12/2012 00:15

I would tell her to stick her presents!

TidyDancer · 17/12/2012 00:24

I am utterly stunned there are people like this in the world.

OP, you have absolutely done the right thing. Your mother (I'm sorry to say) is poisonous, and has shown with the level of money spent that this is not about finances.

I'm sorry you're going through this unnecessary drama with her, but you sound like despite her you are a lovely person.

Hoping for a happy Christmas for you, DH and all DCs. Xmas Smile

Kytti · 17/12/2012 01:24

YANBU - Your Mother is being a cow and anyone who agrees with her need their head examining!

Did she not support your adoption? I think she sounds utterly cruel and awful.

I unfortunately understand what it's like to have a rubbish parent. You need to hold your ground on this one, family rift or not.

NorksAreTinselly · 17/12/2012 05:16

What a brilliant example of love,strength and dignity aname
When the children are old enough to understand, I hope you let them know about this

Wishing you the very best possible Christmas :)

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 17/12/2012 06:53

I'm really at a loss to comprehend what she hoped to achieve by this.

I agree about telling your older DCs about the three gifts.

featherbag · 17/12/2012 06:58

What an awful bitch! And well done you and your family for standing up to her, you should be so proud!

ChunkyTurkeywiththetrimmings · 17/12/2012 08:47

Obviously, YADDDNBU!!!

One thought crossed my mind as I read - if blood is so important to her, how can she justify treating her blood relatives, her DD & DS2, so badly compared to her DS1??!!! Clearly logic isn't applicable here...

You have done the right thing OP, I hope you can have a lovely Christmas & start the new year without any more appalling behaviour from your 'D'M.

SpecialAgentKat · 17/12/2012 08:51

Blood is so important? I'd 'Carrie'

Pig's blood would be especially fitting.

SpecialAgentKat · 17/12/2012 08:52
  • Carrie her
misterwife · 17/12/2012 08:52

Aname, I'm sorry that it had to come to this, but I think you've done the right thing.

I've also had to cut people in my family off completely - when I realised they were being totally unreasonable and would only continue to be so - and it's a horrible experience for all involved. But, unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary.

earthpixie · 17/12/2012 08:54

Your DM is being totally and utterly out of order, which I think you know.
Tell her firmly that she is not to buy for any of your DCs this year.
She'll get the message.

Squitten · 17/12/2012 18:08

Wow. She really does have a nerve doesn't she?

Good for you for sending them back!

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 17/12/2012 18:11

Do tell us her reaction when she receives the returned gifts. Xmas Hmm I don't see her having your dignity!

Itsjustmeanon · 17/12/2012 18:14

That's appalling. My best friend is adopted, and it always upset her that her and her sister (also adopted) got much cheaper presents than their cousins, on their Dad's side. Her grandparents were well off, and would spend about £150 each on the biological grandchildren, and £20 each on her and her sister. Her mum's side spent the same amount on all the grandchildren.

JustFabulous · 17/12/2012 18:33

I would be worried your adopted son will feel responsible for his siblings not getting presents off Granny if the children are told. He IS NOT to blame clearly but children don't always think the way we do.

NorksAreTinselly · 17/12/2012 20:48

JF I totally agree and I think I have thought about this wrongly.
I meant that OP should show how much DS meant to her, but I think you are right, it could go wrong.

pigletmania · 17/12/2012 21:09

I would not tell the children, they are still too young but later on when they are. Lot older

Enfyshedd · 18/12/2012 08:11

Aname - you've done exactly the right thing there. As someone above said, she's tried to make a point by sending such expensive gifts, but the only point she's made is that she's a total selfish, uncaring bitch.

To be fair, my DM asked this year if we minded if she spent more money on DD (nearly 7mo) than on DSS1&2. We don't as the boys will get extra presents from their mother & maternal GPs which DD won't have and in any case, DM is mainly getting things like clothes for DD (she's just growing out of the stuff I bought in anticipation of her birth) and a play table we wanted to get for DD anyway. My DGP's sent down a £20 gift card with strict instructions to spend £5 each on DD & DSS1&2, and £5 on a treat for Xmas dinner for DP & I. At 30 I've been downgraded! SadXmas Wink

gimmecakeandcandy · 18/12/2012 09:22

Sorry op but there is something wrong with your mother - she is seriously unhinged! Horrible. Just horrible.

But on the bright side you sound fab x

HardlyEverHoovers · 18/12/2012 10:19

YADDNBU. I think you need to show yourselves as a united family unit and say firmly but kindly that you appreaciate the gifts but are unable to accept them as they would make your adopted DS feel very sad.
I suppose if you wanted to keep harmony with her you could just accept the gifts, buy an extra one for your adopted DS and say it's from her, but probably not a long term solution!

LongTimeLurking · 18/12/2012 10:24

I've not read the whole thread but just the original post..........

OP, tell your mother to fuck off. She can either treat the kids equally or have no involvement with them at all.

Catsdontcare · 18/12/2012 10:34

I can't believe anyone could behave so badly! I think I would have been tempted to break them before I sent them back too!

pigletmania · 18/12/2012 13:45

I would not do that hardly as it gives her the red light for her to treat ds4 appeallinglgy, stoner or later he will find out the gifts are not from Nanna, and that he is not liked by her

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