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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

659 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 23/11/2012 21:07

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

OP posts:
BegoniaBampot · 15/12/2012 23:52

OP - been following your thread and you know you are doing the right thing. Your children and especially your little boy are lucky to have you for their mum. Hope you have a lovely Christmas!

ViperInTheManger · 15/12/2012 23:58

Another one just wanting to send you some support OP. You sound like a lovely family and your mother sounds like a mean-spirited, unpleasant woman. Well done sending back the gifts, that is a big step in the right direction for all of you.

Shame on her and shame on your DB and SIL too.

SpecialAgentKat · 16/12/2012 00:03

My nostrils are fucking flaring with rage. AngryAngry

She knows she can't get through you, so she's trying to insidiously worm her way through them!

If it wouldn't be so hurtful to DS, I'd allow the children to see how nasty she is, because then they'd disown her.

At this point 'faking it' wouldn't be enough. If she seriously cannot love her grandchild?

Well she's no grandma/mother/human being at all.

pigletmania · 16/12/2012 01:22

That is disgusting op, your mum is foul, good thing you intercepted it and sent it back. Your mum is truely a foul and disgusting woman if she cannot treat your ds with kindness and compassion, se des not know the true meaning of Christmas. What did she want to achieve, making this poor little boy sad and upset when he sees the thers unwrap their gifts from granny and realises he does not have anything, please please stay away from this highly toxic person

pigletmania · 16/12/2012 01:52

Nevermind a cup of poison, she is a whole bloody cauldron of it. I wuld seriously print out some if this thread and send it to her, so she knows how horrid she is and that the way she is acting is not normal.

Blood crap aside, you do not treat another human being esecially an innocent child like something that she has stepped in. Just goes to show what a nasty and twisted witch she is. She has no soul, no conscience. I would have destroyed the Presents and sent them back in pieces. My mum is occasionally toxic was astounded by your mum and thought she was a nasty horrid erson. My mum sad she wuld have got your 4th dc even more presents.

Hae nothing to do with her, her behaviour would make me more determined to cut her dead

apachepony · 16/12/2012 01:53

Haven't commented before but - wow, that's poisonous.
Well done on sending them back op and merry Christmas to your lovely family.

pigletmania · 16/12/2012 01:53

I am so Angry Angry Angry. Bollocks she cannot affect of course she can se s just playing nasty games with a por little boy who has had enough sadness in his life

pigletmania · 16/12/2012 01:54

Meant afford

AuntieMaggie · 16/12/2012 02:38

I am so sorry your mother is being like this. But I am really proud of the way you are handling it.

I hope you and your lovely family have a good christmas.

lavenderbongo · 16/12/2012 02:59

Wow! I have been reading this thread from the beginning and I think you are absolutely doing the right thing!

I can't quite believe the latest update - is it posible your Mum is suffering from some sort of breakdown? No one with an ounce of feelng would act like this. It is just not normal, which makes me wonder if she is ill in some way.

SpecialAgentKat · 16/12/2012 03:23

I would have destroyed the Presents and sent them back in pieces.

Me too pigletmania! Then she can't get any refund and it's a symbol of the ruined pieces of her family... Division between children, loss of daughter and FOUR DGC....

All caused by her.

pigletmania · 16/12/2012 07:33

That's right special, t would pain me to break perfectly good things but it would waste her money and she can't get a refund, but would show her that you are nt accepting her bullshit. No I don't think she has MH issues, she siunds like a thoroughly nasty piece f wrk who knows exactly what she is doing. Some people are just evil and I would ring out this thread an send som of it to her f I were the op what as she to loose

DozyDuck · 16/12/2012 08:38

What an awful woman!!! Seriously? In my friends families etc their DCs from previous relationships are treated the same as their DCs in marriage by in laws. This little boy is yours as much as the other children.

Well done for standing up for him.

As for choosing DS over your mum. No you aren't. She's choosing to be nasty to him rather than have a relationship with you.

ProphetOfDoom · 16/12/2012 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stifnstav · 16/12/2012 10:08

I am raging for you. Those gifts were designed to exclude your DS even more than if they'd been sent three run of the mill gifts.

I'm imagining the three opening those wow factor gifts and him not having one and I can only conclude that you'd have to be a wicked person to intentionally do that. On that basis I would have also smashed them to bits.I am ap

stifnstav · 16/12/2012 10:10

I am appalled. Really. Had to post again.

I would return the smashed up pieces in four searate packages, one from each child.

TeamBacon · 16/12/2012 10:14

Wow, what a spiteful, heartless cow.

MaryChristmaZEverybody · 16/12/2012 10:41

You sending such expensive presents back is a good thing. Is there anyone you could pass a message through, subtly, like an aunt or godmother or someone you trust?

So that she has one last chance. She can take back the three expensive gifts, and buy four of equal value (or even of very little value at all) and send them to your four children. If she does, you are prepared to forgive and forget (well, keep schtum anyway Hmm). If she doesn't, you will explain to your older children that they are not getting any presents from Granny this year as she wasn't prepared to buy for their brother.

They will then realise that it is her who is creating the family rift, not you, which will be very important in the future if she continues to be as manipulative as she sounds.

forgetmenots · 16/12/2012 10:44

So sad for your little da on one hand but so delighted for him that he has a mum and dad who love him and stand up for him. You have done the right thing. What a poisonous, nasty thing to do, and very manipulative by addressing the parcel to the children.

I agree that the expensive nature of the gifts is to show you all it isn't that she has no money, it's that she will not treats equally.

Stay strong OP, there will be more shit heading your way but you will weather this, and right is on your side.

forgetmenots · 16/12/2012 10:44

*ds

TeWisBeenNargledByTheMistletoe · 16/12/2012 11:04

Bloody hell, that's low!

I wondered if she would send gifts (including a very cheap one for DS) but I'm really shocked she has just persisted.

Have a lovely Christmas at your ILs

Chelvis · 16/12/2012 11:19

If your older children can be trusted not to tell DS, I would tell them about what's going on, because she's only going to ratchet this up now and I wonder whether she might try even more direct contact (do they have mobiles or email accounts?). What a nasty manipulative woman. Thank God your son has good grandparents in your inlaws at least.

Debs75 · 16/12/2012 11:42

Aname your mum is behaving despicably, as you are well aware.
It is terribly unfair for her to single out ds as 'different' especially as you have history with his birth mother. And what a lovely thing that you and your DH knew that you could honour her wish by caring for ds. You really are tremendous people and all 4 of your children are lucky to have you as their parents.

The comments about 'blood' relatives are shocking. I bet she buys extravagant gifts for her DILS and they are not blood, they are people her sons have chosen to spend their lives with....just like you have done with ds.

I'm glad that you have sent the gifts back as well. To buy such extravagant gifts for 3 dc's and nothing for 1 is shocking, especially as I assume the two ds's are sharing a bedroom so they would work out that granny was showing favouritism.

Lucky you though having such a lovely MIL who has accepted him and will even have you dbro for christmas. I think you know which side of the family to stick with.
I

birdsnotbees · 16/12/2012 20:06

aname Agree with Maryz up thread - be open about this with your kids (the LO might not understand but your older ones certainly do sound switched on enough) - they need to understand why Granny isn't getting them presents so that your mother isn't able to manipulate them later (such as by 'sneaking' presents to the 3 of your kids, without them realising their sibling has been excluded). Sounds like if she did that your kids would be cool enough to hand them back themselves anyway.

I know this might be hurtful to your adopted LO, but it would also send a very powerful message to him about how much a part of your family he actually is - "we all stand together" sort of thing. So it would do the opposite of what your mother so clearly wants to do, i.e. drive a wedge between him and his siblings.

And you are a fantastic mother, btw - well done you.

shewhowines · 16/12/2012 21:07

Wow. Just wow. You are so doing the right thing. How could anybody do that to an innocent child, under any circumstances, let alone when you are running the risk of losing your daughter and other g c, over it. Talk about cutting off your own nose... She will be the loser in the end.

When your adopted son is old enough to understand what you did for him, everything you are doing now will be so so worth it. The same goes for your other Dc. You are sending them such a strong powerful message.

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