To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

This is one of those threads that really puts you through the wringer isn't it?

You sound wonderful OP. And the support being given by the rest of MN fills me with pride.

I reckon you and your family will do just fine, with or without your "DM".

Wishing you all the very best.

Your mother's words and actions speak volumes about her and nothing about you.

My guess is that people who know her will take anything she says with a large pinch of salt.

That said, it must be extremely painful to have your mother bad mouthing you.

Hope you are doing OK.

Your DCs sound fab.

Maryz and / or Aname

Will you adopt me?

You both sound lovely Mums

And I love Maryz 'accident of nature' story!

OP - ignore your mother, the people who would hear the story and think she is in the right to be treating her 'blood' grandchildren different to her 'adopted' grandchild arne't worth bothering with, if they stop talking to you as well then she's done you a favour, you get to find out in one easy step who you need to cut out of your DC's lives with minimum effort from you.

If I was you, I'd call younger DB and explain what's happened, tell him you don't expect him to be in the middle or take sides, but you won't be in contact with your mother until she changes her behaviour.

aname i am sorry you have had to go through this, but your mum will look stupid when she tells people why she wont talk to you.

maryz your ds2 sounds a delight for saying that his siblings were chosen. you must be very proud.

Your children will be very proud of you ..... It's hard but you have done the right thing.

Op, your mother is a prize twunt and you're better off without her in your life. I had a twunty mother so I understand your pain. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty or allow any guilt you do feel to let her back if she can't abide by the rules.

ItTookMeFreakingAGESToWorkThatOutTiggaxx

not read the whole thread, what i want to say about your mother is not polite.

How can she do this to her grandchild it is shocking.

I hope you and your 4 children have a good christmas that doesn't involved your toxic mother.

my cousin little boy is adopted and that little boy is also my cousin, she had her miricle baby and to me both children are a gift after seeing her go through years and years of ttc, Clomid and ivf for it all to fail. Her DC has bought so much happiness

Op your mother is being hugely unreasonable, more than that but there you go. My three dc are donor conceived and it has never crossed anyone's mind to talk about them not being biologically related to dh. They are our children-end of. Stand firm on this. Your concern should be for your children and regretfully if your mother can't treat them equally she doesn't deserve to be around your family.

By the way, op, one thing that has helped me realise that biology doesn't make families is that my mother and father are pretty rubbish. Not their fault, but it is dmil and dfil who are my rock and support. So I know that it is less than irrelevant (although bound to have its moments with others who don't get it) that my dc are donor conceived.

Op am full of admiration for what you have done and your children sound brilliant.
A parting thought about the whole thing about distancing from your nasty mother. It could have been easy for her to just buy the equal presents but that doesn't mean her true attitude has changed. As the kids get older and maybe would have been with her (possibly without you or your Dh there) who knows what toxic comments she would make that would leave your Ds very hurt and vulnerable.

Blood is thicker than water but love is thicker than blood.
Your mother is a toxic. Sorry
You and your dp/dh sound lovely.
If you return your mother's gifts will your dc hold that against your adopted child ? You know how children can think.

YADNBU, that is an apalling attitude - you have 4 children equally loved and if she doesnt accept that, she has no part in your life.

My MIL believes that DD and now DS are not her 'real' grandchildren as they are ivf conceived. That has meant no interest in DD while other grandchildren are adored and we are still waiting for her and FIL to acknowledge 19 day old DS. DH is heartbroken, but I think we should just ignore them.

Just enjoy your lovely little family, they sound lovely and that means a whole lot more than fecking blood. Your ds are brothers nd they act like brothers, how hurt would your biological children feel that nanny des not love their brother and treats him bad. When they start seeing it they might want to make that decision themselves not to see nanny. I cut my toxic half sister out of my life and I don't miss her, life is a lot easier and better now. You will feel the same. How easy would it be for your mum to treat a little boy with compassion, humility and love, no she is too toxic to do that so cuts all of them out of her life. No your best off without her and her 'conditional toxic love'

Very sad but you dcs are lucky to have parents like you.

Lanzig that is appealing. Cut her out completely she does not deserve your beautiful children. Karma to the lot of toxic parents

"Is this for real? Are there really people this fucking vile out there? Print this thread off and send it to her. What an absolute bitch."

I have never seen aibu have such a consensus, print this thread off and send it to her, then if she doesn't sort it out return presents unopened. The danger here as other posters have pointed out if that she will create rifts in your home, you don't need that, good luck

She sounds awful. I'm not sure if the Stately Homes Thread is still around but I've found it a big help in the past, when discussing my family. It does sound like your eldest DB was the golden child. Very painful.

Her current behaviour is shocking, Sadly I'm not surprised she reacted like that to your phone call.

How are you feeling this morning?

You are totally totally reasonable!!!

Its not your mothers feeling that matter, or even yours it is your DSs!

Buy for all or none. If she can't accept that its her problem.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but I will.

I just wanted to say that based on your OP, and as the mum of two adopted DCs, I want to give your mum a slap... and I'm not a violent person.

I'm sorry she's putting you through this, it's awful when people see your children as somehow 'lesser' because they're adopted.

Hug for you and your family.

Thank you all
My eldest DB is not happy either and has decided not to see us until I say sorry to my mum.
However my youngest DB and my ILs are supporting us.

i have only read the first and last posts in this long thread.

i think all your children would be better off without your mean mother in their lives.

i'm sorry. its harsh. i love my daughter and if at any time she should choose to adopt i'd love her children too.

to clarify, in case daughter reads, i love my grandaughter, the 'blood' one i already have, her little baby, very much indeed and am perfectly happy to have a single grandchild. but however she organised any future babies, i'd make it my business to love them!

Clearly your eldest brother is a prick too. As someone said up thread bringing this up will make you aware of who should ans shouldn't be in your dcs lives.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so unfair on you and your dc.

Are you bothered about your brother OP? I wouldn't be!