To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

Was beginning to think it was me seeing things!

Op, I have been following the thread, and so sorry that your call with mother didn't go too well. On the flip side, it does give you a clear indication of her viewpoint.
She's v old school and of the 'adoption ok if you can keep up appearances by pretending he's a one yours by birth' as snowsquonk said.
I'd personally suggest writing her a letter, calm measured and grown up, just as you have come across on this thread, which you take a copy of before sending. In it youncansuccintly lay out your concerns and 'requirements' for remedies tothe situation should she wish to see all 4 DCs. This is then your dossier, your parting shot and a record of your final thoughts on the matter, should she choose to be so bonkers not to swallow her pride and a big dose of humility to make it better.
I do hope you're ok, it must have been a horrid experience this evening

Mary's that is god awful there are some nasty shocking people about

Maryz what were your other children then if they werent real. Robots or something

well OP - that lets you off the hook. her decision. her loss. fuck her. seriously you will be fine without her in yours and their life - they will be better for not knowing someone who thinks that one of your children, one of their siblings, is inferior. sod her. now dont dwell on things and let her stew.

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You know this, but let me affirm that you had no choice but to do this.

I've had my own problems in this area. I'm in a lesbian relationship and our first dd (my birth daughter) was very definitely not accepted by MIL. Since then we have adopted another dd. Having them both has made me stronger, clearer about what must be done: anybody who does not respect our family cannot be allowed near my kids. I'm very clear on that, in a way that I wouldn't have been before parenthood.

It's all worth it, as you know, when you see how our children love each other. They know what's important

And actually, it may be a good thing that she's ringing round the family badmouthing you. It may force people to take sides and then you will have real clarity about who you want in your children's lives and who needs to be kept well away.

If she tells people what you've 'done', she will only make herself look bad. Foolish woman. Her loss entirely.

Wow, Maryz, your SIL is a piece of work, isn't she. Don't blame you at all for staying away.

OP - your mum has made her decision, she can now live with it. I think you'll all be a lot better off without her toxic influence in your lives, tbh. Sorry it's come to this but better now than when your DS is older and able to understand the reason.

Maryz I am sorry to hear about your SIL. I don't blame you for staying away.

This thread is making me cry! What a horrible woman.
One of my FIL's and one of my MIL's are DP's step parents, and I have a Stepmother and a Stepfather. They are ALL our parents and the DC's grandparents. Nobody is ever treated differently. Family is NOT all about blood.
They say that home is where the heart is, well so is family!

Maryz how can you send your children back? Where do you send them to? They are your children and they belong with you.

Your parents sound lovely. Same cant be said for your DHs family. Oh well their loss

Your DS2 sounds lovely Mayrz. It's so odd that some people can seem ok and yet come out with such unbelievable comments.

maryz Thank you it is good to hear that you can all laugh about it now.

Maryz I understand the thinking she looks like great aunt tessa thing, I firmly believe that our minds make us see parts of people we love in others we love.

I completely accept that science probably wouldn't agree but still I like thinking it.

Out brains look for patterns, so we do look for similarities, but more than that, if you grow up around people you end up with shared facial expressions, shared intonation etc Being around people and interacting with them creates bonds.

I am the youngest of three- my middle DSis was adopted by my parents before I was even born. We have always been treated equally. There is NO WAY ON EARTH I would accept anybody telling me she is not my sister or treating us differently. None of us in the family would.

Oh and my lovely sister looks NOTHING like any of us - doesn't matter. Love her to bits.

I really can't understand this 'blood' thing. If you can't love a child no matter where they come from I think you have a problem loving at all.

Maryz I have an adopted relative and we say they look like other 'blood' family members because in all honesty they do! If you take a family photo and ask someone to guess who is adopted and not biologically related the adoptee would be amongst the last guesses.