To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

[AnameIcouldnotthinkof]

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

YANBU.

Not read the whole thread but am utterly disgusted by your mother's behaviour and I agree that the right thing to do is no presents for anyone, in fact might be better for her access to your other DC to be limited as her views are so shocking.

Sorry its all going apeshit - but you know you didn't really have a choice.

I never get this "blood" business - presumably your father wasn't "blood" to your DM and she bought him christmas presents? Maybe she didn't!

You just need to stay calm and stick with the "This is our family, you are welcome to be a part of it but only if you treat everyone equally"

You might also need to point out that your DC's love each other and buying some big presents and leaving one out will make her look extremely childish to the older DC's who will spot what is going on very quickly. Has she thought about what they will think of her?

Or just get on with your lives and ignore her behaviour - eitehr works for me!

presumably your father wasn't "blood" to your DM and she bought him christmas presents? Maybe she didn't!

that is a really good point :)

god you mum is a piece of work OP - she is being so abusive. Stick by your guns...you are NOT in the wrong. If your mum and brother would so easily cut you off for being a good mum by virtually anyones standards then so be it (but that is easier to say than to take I'm sure, I'm not trying to be glib).

As the thread is so long it is probably pointless to comment, and I admit have only read the OP so far as so shocked I had to reply straight away, but your mother and your SIL are being bitches quite frankly. Adoption = your son. Just the same as the ones that came from your body. I would make it quite clear that if they can't accept him as your child then they can fuck off.

I told MIL that DH and I were considering adoption and the look on her face said it all. This woman is meant to be a Christian .

I was in foster care and was never included as part of the family ever. It has stayed with me for all of my life and has affected me now I have my own children making me feel pretty crap tbh.

Do not allow your mother and SIL to treat your eldest like a second rate person .

I do understand that some people don;t have the ability/empathy whatever to feel the same about people who aren;t related to them (but you would have to include partners).

However as they are adults and can understand that its a horrible approach to a child - I would expect them to pretend and pretty bloody convincingly too...

Bit of a silly threat from your brother really given that you don't want to see anyone that can't accept all your children! Does he really expect you to say "Oh sorry Mum of course it's fine to not give DS a present"?

Hope you, your DH, DC, ILs and younger DB have a fantastic Christmas! They're your real family now, regardless of blood. Your mum and elder brother are the real losers in all this. Imagine missing out on all that love and fun, just because of some obsession with 'blood'.

Your brother is a bully.

You just saved yourself another Christmas present there.

I am just amazed in a horrible way that there are people out there that feel and act this way. I have had a real wobble today that in the future, my three dc will meet people who do not accept them because of how they are conceived. I suppose I knew it already really-after all I know the catholic church's view on assisted conception. I guess, however, it's a good way to getting beneath the surface with people- my good friends who know about the donor conception thing are either not bothered or love us and the dc enough to pretend convincingly. Those who don't will be quickly filtered out.

YANBU at all!!

You may have the same blood as your mother and brother but they are evil and you are not. I do not know how they can treat your DS1 so cruelly.

You are really really NBU and I would tell your family that they either trat your 4dc equally or they dont see any of them and if only 3 gifts are sent they will be returned unopened.

treat

As the wonderful author Armistead Maupin, rejected by his family (for being gay) wrote: "There are biological families, and then there are logical families" and the kind you build through choice and love is far far stronger and purer than blood relationships.

Stick to your guns op. How lucky your son is to have found you and your dh as parents, it sounds as though you are doing a marvellous job.
All the best.

Good on you for standing up to them. You are all so much better off without your sil, eldest brother and mother in your lives. I hope that you all have a lovely Christmas with the people ego deserve to share it with you.

Sorry for what, for sticking up fr your little boy and family. I hope that you told him the truth. He is the golden child, the sun shines ight ut of his arse, of course he will side with his mum, the apple in ths case does not fall far from the tree. No you do what's right

Just adding my voice to the chorus of people telling you you're 100% in the right OP. I'm sorry your mother and brother are like this, but I have the utmost respect for how you are standing up for your son.

Wow, can't believe attitudes like this still exist! Yanbu op!

Feeling so sorry for your little boy and so glad that he has you on his side

Op, I'll be their grandma if they need a replacement.

Doesn'tFuckingCareWhatWombAChildCameOutOfTiggaxx

Seriously save yourself the effort - you HAVE all the family you need - sod the rest. I remember when I was in junior school kids were always trying to tell me my sister wasn't my real sister but a 'step sister' cos they didn't get it (35 years ago now so V different times and small kids) I hated it then as she is my big sister to me regardless (more so than my 'natural' big sister!)

I don't think I've ever seen a thread so long where it's so unanimous.
Yay everyone well done. OP stick to your guns, he has a loving family in you, Dh and kids and your in laws. Thats plenty of love, plus all the MN love he's getting, he's one blessed boy.

Some of these stories are so sad, I can't believe how cruel some people can be. OP, you and your DH and all your children sound so lovely; I'm glad you've got one brother for support too even if your mother and older brother are being twunts of the highest order - I'm sure anyone of worth they spout their unfair and evil crap to will soon see through them. My mother married my (step)dad when I was six; I've never been treated as anything other than an equal by his family and it's sad to think that this isn't always the case. My grandparents on that side were wonderful people who I always knew loved me very much and I never think of them as anything other than my 'proper' grandparents.