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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman to f off and buy her own dress?

431 replies

charlmarascoxo · 20/11/2012 21:29

I've worked with the same women "Wendy" for around 3 years now, and I am the same age as her daughter "Amelia".

Today Wendy asks me as if it would be possible for me to bring in my wedding dress to work for Amelia to borrow for her wedding. She explained that they were both struggling financially and that Wendy herself was in debt.

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, however I have been told by Wendy that they were both looking at the wedding photos on Facebook and how Amelia would love to have the same dress.

I am being a bitch if I refuse? My dress is so special to me and I don't want just anyone wearing it.

OP posts:
Haughtyculture · 21/11/2012 12:25

I think she was being a bit cheeky too. I really don't like it when people that are on a low income have some sort of chip on their shoulder and seem to think that others should subsidise them in life, purely because they are 'better off financially'.

There are lots of things we would all like in life, but we don't just go up to the nearest person with more/better stuff than us and ask them! Would it be acceptable to go up to someone with a bigger house and ask if you could borrow their house as you can't afford anything bigger than you currently have? Or to walk up to someone with a Gucci handbag and ask if you can borrow it as you only have a Primark bag and can't afford better? No! People should cut their cloth accordingly.

Weddings can be done very cheaply. You can get a wedding dress on Ebay or from the nearly new page of a local paper for £50 or so, or even less at a charity shop. Why the heck should the OP have to provide her dress free of charge to the woman's daughter just because the OP and her DH have a high income?

perceptionreality · 21/11/2012 12:28

'I have a strange friend who wears hers for dinner every anniversary......'

Grin
DeWe · 21/11/2012 12:32

I think it depends on how she asked whether it was cheeky.

If it was "Oh we were looking at your pictures on fb and thought your dress was absolutely gorgeous and just wondered if you'd be willing to lend it if we had it dry cleaned/paid rental..." type of thing. Then they're asking nicely, knowing that it's a huge favour, and won't be upset by you saying no.

If it was "You need to bring your wedding dress in tomorrow because Amelia wants to wear it for her wedding" then it's cheeky.

I think it's a bit cheeky anyway asking to borrow a dress that presumably was £500+ without offering anything. If you were happy to lend it free, you could say "don't worry" anyway.

I'm usually happy to lend anything I've got not in current use. But I'm not sure I'd want to lend my wedding dress. Sounds strange to me now I've written that down, but it would be a hard decision, even for a close friend. It's at my parents' house so I couldn't anyway.

I think I'd make excuse-"when's the wedding?" "being already lent out at that time" "mouse has chewed a hole in the front" "just found out dm has offered it to someone, and as she paid for it..."

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 21/11/2012 12:33

YANBU thats really odd. She could get one on ebay, mine was really lovely from an ebay seller and was only £30

Haughtyculture · 21/11/2012 12:34

I've just looked on Ebay at auctions on wedding dresses about to end soon; some are ending at as little as £7! £7! yet the woman's mum thinks she can ask someone for a freebie!

LettyAshton · 21/11/2012 12:38

My mother had a lovely wedding dress. Whilst she was on her honeymoon (Bournemouth boarding house!) her mother lent it to a neighbour's daughter. My mother returned to find it dirty and with huge yellow armpit stains. She was still unhappy about this 50 years later!

Sagelynodding · 21/11/2012 12:40

Tiggy Grin !

Surely honesty is the best policy here?

"I am really sorry, but my dress has a huge sentimental value to me, and I wouldn't be happy to lend it to anyone."

2rebecca · 21/11/2012 12:45

I would just say "sorry but my wedding dress has sentimental value for me so I wouldn't lend it out in case it got damaged"
I think they have a cheek asking, to me asking to "borrow" a wedding dress is a huge favour to ask and not something you ask a casual friend whose wedding you didn't even attend.
Does this woman have a poor understanding of friendship boundaries/ social norms otherwise?

notwoo · 21/11/2012 12:52

Honestly? I'd be flattered and happy for it to get another use.

But i'd request that it was dry cleaned before and afterwards and, as others have said, that would be as expensive as buying her own, cheaper dress.

LimburgseVlaai · 21/11/2012 13:01

I wouldn't lie about it ("it's been ripped/stained/whatever"); I would just tell the truth: sorry it's of sentimental value to me.

I wouldn't lend my wedding dress to anyone other than my DDs, even though it was not expensive and even though it stinks of mothballs having hung in my in-law's cupboard for the past several years.

BarbecuedBillygoats · 21/11/2012 13:01

I would feel odd is someone borrowed my dress and then their marriage failed

Weird odd and illogical I know but I wouldn't like it

RooneyMara · 21/11/2012 13:13

Someone asked to borrow something of ours months ago, and I struggled to think of a good reason why they couldn't. It was just this - sentimental value - and the fact I knew they would not treat it with any respect, and if it were damaged, they would say 'big deal - it was old anyway' and I'd have lost it and hate them forever.

I found a good excuse in the end. And they laughed when I said I'd rather buy them a new one myself, than move all the crap that was on top of it in the cupboard Smile

I helped them with the one they got from ebay, it was all fine. Usually a good enough excuse will come to you. You just have not to panic.

RooneyMara · 21/11/2012 13:14

Actually I found the one on ebay FOR them - and it was well cheap.

Say no but make up for it in some other way so they don't feel like you're a rubbish friend. Not that you are, but yswim.

Nanny0gg · 21/11/2012 13:29

She's not a close friend or family and there is no way they could guarantee that it would come back in the same way it arrived.

No way!!

Original poster
charlmarascoxo · 21/11/2012 13:29

Well I told the truth, that I'm very sorry but the dress is really special to me and I wouldn't feel comfortable lending it to someone. But I told her about the websites some of you suggested and said I would be happy to help out in any other way.

Wendy was fine about this and said she understood.

I check my Facebook during my break and see that Wendy's status is - "You're so self centered you don't even notice those you deem below you"

.... No idea if thats aimed at me or not.

OP posts:
dexter73 · 21/11/2012 13:36

Seems like a bit of coincidence, but give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you should 'like' her comment Wink

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 21/11/2012 13:37

Oh no!! Surely not, you were really kind to her,it is understandable, don't think that status was for you, could have been anything, I hate it when people do that BTW

bishboschone · 21/11/2012 13:39

Don't lend it to her ! I'm a dry cleaner and I have seen the state some people get their dresses in and it isn't always fixable ! Also it can cost up to £150 to get it cleaned , are they going to find that money or will you be forever waiting for it . N. n My sister runs a charity shop and there are loads donated all the time . Tell her to go in and ask as often they are upstairs . Cheeky mare wants a expensive dress for nothing .. So rude to even ask but if she asked the way you have worded it then even more shocked!!

RooneyMara · 21/11/2012 14:10

I doubt it is about you at all, but if it is, it's undeserved and very passive aggressive and she's a complete cow.

Either way I wouldn't worry about it.

GiveMummyTheWhizzer · 21/11/2012 14:15

YA SOOOOOOO NBU!!! Tell her to sod off!

WeAreEternal · 21/11/2012 14:28

I would probably lend it to a close friend or a close family member but not a random colleagues daughter.

You were totally not being unreasonable to say no and I am sure they understood that.

And I think the comments about you showing off about your DH's income are rude and unnecessary.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 21/11/2012 14:57

Of course you are not being unreasonable. It's special to you and why would you want to run the risk of it getting ruined. I have a wedding dress that she could have for a small fee (providing we are the same size, height etc. Was v expensive and is really beautiful) and as I'm not married any more means nothing to me - was thinking of selling on ebay. PM me if you want.

2rebecca · 21/11/2012 14:58

I doubt the remark is about you but the fact that she would put something like that as her status report marks her down as a nutter in my opinion and someone you wouldn't want to lend a special item to.
I'd probably block her feed so I can't see it and defriend her in a month or 2.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember · 21/11/2012 15:02

ffs I don't get the vitriol on this thread. She asked, you said no.

But why is everyone so dismissive and rude about her asking? There are lots of people who would be happy to lend a dress. After all, most people only wear them once.

And as for "stalking on Facebook" - they were looking at wedding photographs and admiring the op. Is that also a sin?

ShShShSh · 21/11/2012 15:04

Some many people here have said "it's not rude to ask". I disagree. I think it is really rude and strange to ask someone that is just a work colleague to lend your wedding dress (or any other dress or personal item) to their daughter! It is really really cheeky.

I suspect though, that many of those who have said it is not rude to ask, would make simliar requests themselves.

And it is absolutely fine to not want to lend something just because it has sentimental value. Why should the OP care about Wendy's daughter? She doesn't even know her?? She barely has a relationship with her mother!