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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman to f off and buy her own dress?

431 replies

charlmarascoxo · 20/11/2012 21:29

I've worked with the same women "Wendy" for around 3 years now, and I am the same age as her daughter "Amelia".

Today Wendy asks me as if it would be possible for me to bring in my wedding dress to work for Amelia to borrow for her wedding. She explained that they were both struggling financially and that Wendy herself was in debt.

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, however I have been told by Wendy that they were both looking at the wedding photos on Facebook and how Amelia would love to have the same dress.

I am being a bitch if I refuse? My dress is so special to me and I don't want just anyone wearing it.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 21/11/2012 10:14

It depends on how you feel about the dress doesn't it. You choose, there's no need to feel pressured. It's an unusual request but flattering really. She only asked, you have any number of ways available of saying no honestly and politely. YWBVU to tell her to fuck off.

What are you going to do with your dress? Pass it to your daughter (will she want it), sell it, wear it as fancy dress, have it turned into something wearable, eventually realise you have no use for it and give it away when it long past being fashionable, or keep it in a box in the attic for the rest of your life for sentimental reasons?

Any of these is fine of course. People I know have sold an expensive dress straight away, while it was still desirable and one, after being boxed in the attic for a few years was grown away, as my friend wasn't willing to pay for cleaning so as to be able to give it away.

Cleaning is a significant cost, you could spell that out to Wendy. A second hand dress may be cheaper. Also, is it really going to fit well enough? What if wants to have it altered (another cost)?

lottiegarbanzo · 21/11/2012 10:15

*thrown away (not grown!, or given)

claudedebussy · 21/11/2012 10:19

i think you should not lend her the dress.

yanbu

mumeeee · 21/11/2012 10:28

It's not umreasonab,r for her to ask,but you wouldm't be unteasonable to say no. Although I think I would lend mu wedding dress.

sue52 · 21/11/2012 10:42

It's totally up to you and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable about refusing to lend the dress. I held on to my wedding dress as I thought my DDs would one day love to wear it for their own wedding. Fashions change and there is no way my girls would wear a 1980s big puffy dress. I wish now I had let it go and given someone else the opportunity to enjoy it.

SoupDragon · 21/11/2012 10:46

I would never lend my dress and I would be furious at someone putting me in such an awkward position.

What awkward position? She asked, the OP can just say she doesn't want to. Hardly awkward really and nothing to be furious at. Some people would have been happy to lend it so there's no harm in Wendy having asked.

afterdinnerkiss · 21/11/2012 11:06

consider that the dress may not fit her perfectly - if you feel uncomfortable now how would you feel if (with or without your consent) last minute fitting alterations are needed and the borrower pins up/tucks in the dress. perhaps you would not find out, perhaps you would with receive an apology that it was too late to ask you for permission, so they went ahead anyway, hope you don't mind.

plus potential wine and mud stains with a botched removal job. it is too dangerous to borrow what you cannot afford.

Decemberinthesun · 21/11/2012 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 21/11/2012 11:18

I can't believe the major overreaction on here, it's a dress not the op knickers! It's not rude to ask op can say no, it is rude if se persists after op has sad no

winterhill · 21/11/2012 11:24

I am amazed at the over reactions from people here.
MN is truly bonkers.

I would be furious at being put in an arkward postion
Bloody Cheek of it

Cheeky as fuck

She asked, you don't want to so you just say no.
There is no need to want to vent or people getting on their high horse or anything. It is a complete non issue as far as I can see.

Somebody asked to borrow my car about 2 months ago. I am happy to lend most things but I said no as it is something I like to keep to myself. No fall out, no drama, the world didn't come off it's axis. I did think 'Fuck Off cheeky cow!' Just said 'I really don't let other people drive my car. Really sorry'

You could try that with the dress.

ProbationProbationProbation · 21/11/2012 11:27

Say no.

Fair enough if you had actually offered. You don't ask don't get is irrelevant here, they are not haggling at a car boot. This is your wedding dress that you obviously have strong personal ties with. I am not married, but hate lending clothes out as it is, my wardrobe is sort of my sanctuary and I've worked hard for the pieces in it. You are not a bitch for saying no. Maybe offer your help else where if they are struggling that much, but I would just be honest and say its far too personal.

TiggyD · 21/11/2012 11:27

The simplest way is usually the best.

Tell her you shat on it.

RyleDup · 21/11/2012 11:34

By that argument winterhill, surely your thoughts on someone asking to borrow your car is also a massive over reaction. I would think a virtual stranger had a bloody cheek for asking to borrow my wedding dress, you think your friend is a cheeky cow for asking to borrow your car. Its the same no? Obviously I wouldn't tell someone they had a bloody cheek, I'd just say no. Like most people probably would. A massive over reaction would be telling the woman she has a bloody cheek or a cheeky cow, and finishing that off with a slap Smile

RyleDup · 21/11/2012 11:34

Tiggy Grin

winterhill · 21/11/2012 11:43

No Ryle I meant people's responses to the OP were over reactions.
I didn't think my colleague was a cheeky cow or as cheeky as fuck.
I didn't feel the need to vent on MN in frustration or was furious to be put in such an arkward position to use a few quotes.
In fact I didn't think anything of it until I came on to this thread and had to try to think of me being in a similar position and how I would react.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 21/11/2012 11:44

When you say no id make sure you explain about the emotional attachment you have to it, as when I've used 'practical' excuses to say no (for other things, no ones ever asked to borrow my wedding dress!), practical rationales can be argued against & you may find yourself in a debate about it or having to scrabble around for more reasons

Just say 'terribly sorry but I couldn't let anyone else wear it as it has so much emotional meaning for me'

perceptionreality · 21/11/2012 11:46

YANBU at all - this is your wedding dress and she has an unbelievable cheek asking you to borrow it. It's only reasonable to ask to borrow something like this if you're a close relation imo.

flowery · 21/11/2012 11:46

Sounds like she asked perfectly politely. You are NBU to say no nicely. YABU to feel/behave how your thread title indicates.

quoteunquote · 21/11/2012 11:48

Just tell Wendy quietly, "I don't think Amelia should borrow it, as I DH like to relive our wedding night in it often"

I bet they would lose interest.

RyleDup · 21/11/2012 11:52

Oh ok Winterkill. I think you must have missed a couple of letters out; did think she was a cheeky cow, instead of didn't. which is why it didn't make sense . But I could just be tired and confused.

perceptionreality · 21/11/2012 11:53

'There is something very superior and 'get lost oik' and 'I'm alright Jack' in the tone of what your post that makes me think that YABU anyway.'

I didn't get that from the OP at all, and the 'I'm alright Jacks' of society annoy me the most.

The point here is that this work colleague doesn't seem to understand where boundaries are. People like this make life uncomfortable for others.

sherbetpips · 21/11/2012 11:55

I sold mine within weeks after seeing my sister pay to have hers preserved and boxed, then find it in rotted pieces in the loft when she moved house a few years later. What are you keeping it for? I have a strange friend who wears hers for dinner every anniversary......

It is a cheeky request but so what, she uses it has a great day, passes it to someone else they have a great day.... Or it sits in the loft and no-one looks at it again. Pay it forward I say and ask her to pass it to charity after the event.

dexter73 · 21/11/2012 12:00

People keep things for sentimental value. I have all my Grandad's medals but I never wear them. They just sit in a box in the cupboard and occasionally I look at them. I keep them because they are special to me.

winterhill · 21/11/2012 12:04

Ah! My fault ryle some of my keys keep sticking after eating honey on toast at the keyboard

HairyGrotter · 21/11/2012 12:16

Ooo sherbetpips, are you ever invited to see your friend sat in her wedding dress during dinner each anniversary? I'd love that, quite mad, but quite brilliant.

Wish I wanted to marry now, I'd do that, and I'd make my hair look crazier each year.

YANBU if you don't wish to lend it out, Wendy was polite enough, just say no.