To tell this woman to f off and buy her own dress?

[charlmarascoxo]

I've worked with the same women "Wendy" for around 3 years now, and I am the same age as her daughter "Amelia".

Today Wendy asks me as if it would be possible for me to bring in my wedding dress to work for Amelia to borrow for her wedding. She explained that they were both struggling financially and that Wendy herself was in debt.

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, however I have been told by Wendy that they were both looking at the wedding photos on Facebook and how Amelia would love to have the same dress.

I am being a bitch if I refuse? My dress is so special to me and I don't want just anyone wearing it.

If you don't want to lend it I would just say you can't find it...DH says he definitely put it up in the attic when you moved ... But its not up there, you've searched...... etc etc etc

I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation. I know people have fond dreams of their dd wearing it some day but seriously, in reality, how many people do you know who got married in their mother's wedding dress? I don't know anybody.

I wouldn't ask. But I don't think Wendy asked rudely, and the OP hasn't said anything to suggest she 'barely has a relationship' with her, which is a bit of a strange assumption given they are friends on Facebook.

A little unusual to ask in the circumstances, and not something I would do, nothing wrong with refusing but something uncharitable about some of the outraged responses here I think.

I wonder if the daughter even knows her mum asked about the dress. I can't imagine asking my mum to ask one of her colleagues who I have never met if I can borrow her wedding dress.
Perhaps the daughter casually said "that's nice" when looking at pictures with her mum on facebook and has no idea her mum is trying to borrow the dress.

I think it doesn't matter that it is a wedding dress, but it DOES matter that it is a very special item to you and therefore you should not lend it to her. One trip, one spill and that will be it.

the answer is 'sorry, but no'.

"And as for "stalking on Facebook" - they were looking at wedding photographs and admiring the op. Is that also a sin?"

I'm not sure if this is aimed at me? But if it is then I'll address it. - I've never used the word stalking and I also have no problem with them looking at my photos. I only mentioned it because it was relevant seeing as neither were invited to the wedding.

"the OP hasn't said anything to suggest she 'barely has a relationship' with her, which is a bit of a strange assumption given they are friends on Facebook."

I've worked with her for a couple of years, if we ever see each other outside of work its only as work social thing such as the Christmas party/leaving dos etc.

We are friends on Facebook but whilst my Facebook is private I generally don't mind accepting people who I know in real life it doesn't mean we are close friends.

No it wasn't addressed at you charl - none of my post was. In fact apart from the f off comment in the heading your posts have all been very reasonable. It was addressed at all the posters who seem to be jumping on the bandwagon and calling her all sorts of names for just asking.

I don't see anything wrong with asking, especially as she asked politely in a "would you mind" kind of way. And I don't think it's the same as asking to borrow a designer dress, or shoes, or jewellery, or a car (as people have suggested) because you would use those things if you have them. A lot of wedding dresses are shoved in the attic and only taken out twenty years later to be dumped.

If she asked to borrow your knickers you wouldn't say yes? Wedding dress is far too personal to lend out.

But I wear my knickers, tooshort . I'd be happy to lend my wedding dress. I'm sure other people would too - how else would all the dresses end up on ebay and in charity shops?

The op doesn't want to, so has said know, which is perfectly reasonable. But I still don't think that it was unreasonable to ask.

I called her a nutter, but that was because of her facebook status report.
I do think asking to borrow a wedding dress from a work colleague for your daughter who doesn't even know the work colleague is odd though. It isn't something I would do as i can imagine that many women have sentimental attachment to their wedding dresses but also many women don't like to appear mean and find saying no difficult.
To me asking something like this shows a bit of a lack of empathy.

If it were me I might message her on FB or indeed ask her in person who her status update refers to saying you hope it isn't you in the light of your previous conversation.

Does she want my dress? She's more than welcome.

I don't think you are being unreasonable though but you need to tell her where she stands. Just say you are saving it for when you renew your vows but this is the designer and style number, let me help you find one cheap

eeeeeeeeeeuw at the message, though. i hope it wasn't aimed at you. tbh i'd PM her and ask her. if it wasn't, she'll be fine, if it was, she'll say it wasn't anyway and you'll at least have put the wind up her a bit.

mind you, i hate passive aggressive FB messages like that, and tend to defriend people immediately if they post them.

You were not BU but that status is shitty of her. If her daughter can't afford the dress of her dreams that's tough, she can save up like we all have to. It's not your problem OP

The words brass and neck spring to mind! YANBU!

If they are struggling financially, should they be planning a wedding right now? My wedding cost £1000 in total and my dress was £50 but I still wouldn't lend it to anyone because it's my wedding dress!! I think a lot of people would be sentimental about their wedding dress regardless of the cost and I wouldn't ever have the nerve to ask to borrow someone else's - I'd be so worried about something happening to it I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day!!!

marchwillbeheresoon thanks. I did wonder about the stalking comments as I wasn't sure where people picked up "stalked" from!

Not sure what her fb means though. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, you are work colleagues and have to see each other every day. Don't really want to fall out over a "no" to borrowing a wedding dress and a fb status that may or may not be aimed at you.

It gets worse, her daughter has messaged me on Facebook saying that her mum has let her know its a no but if I happen to change my mind could I let her know asap and if I still had my bridesmaid dresses would she be able to perhaps have them, or she's quite happy to pay £10 for the 3 of them?

Erm .....

oh dear!

£10 for 3 bridesmaid dresses?!! If She can't afford the dresses then she should have less bridesmaids, or get them to wear their own dresses.

Plenty of people manage to get married on a budget or wait until they can afford

(I still want to know what your dress was like though)

I'd post a photo but I'm not sure how to?

£10 for 3? This is just bizarre. Anyway presumably the bridesmaids have their dresses not you?

Omg , you have to laugh at her cheek though !!

Errr. This just gets weirder. On what planet would that message be deemed appropriate?!

It seems as if she's been coveting your wedding on FB and wants to emulate it on a budget by using your stuff, when she should just be planning something appropriate to her budget. I got married on a little bit more than a shoestring because we didn't want to wait. It's very doable as long as you don't obsess over other more expensive weddings!