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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman to f off and buy her own dress?

431 replies

charlmarascoxo · 20/11/2012 21:29

I've worked with the same women "Wendy" for around 3 years now, and I am the same age as her daughter "Amelia".

Today Wendy asks me as if it would be possible for me to bring in my wedding dress to work for Amelia to borrow for her wedding. She explained that they were both struggling financially and that Wendy herself was in debt.

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, however I have been told by Wendy that they were both looking at the wedding photos on Facebook and how Amelia would love to have the same dress.

I am being a bitch if I refuse? My dress is so special to me and I don't want just anyone wearing it.

OP posts:
lollilou · 21/11/2012 08:40

You don't have to lend it if you don't want to but please be honest when giving your reasons.
Could you lend her anything else, shoes, bag, bridesmaid items, decorations ect or something else to help out. When I got married we had a lots of stuff that has been boxed up and put in my loft.
If she is struggling it would be a nice gesture to help her out.

afterdinnerkiss · 21/11/2012 08:41

and even though my dress is not one of these i would never let anyone but my non-existant twin sister borrow it. photos linked for imaginative effect.

LtEveDallas · 21/11/2012 09:02

Going against the grain here - I would.

In fact I'd be quite flattered that someone thought my 'taste' was good enough to copy (IYSWIM).

It's only a dress. Mine is sitting in a cover at my mums with me desperately trying to think of a use for it - I've never found another dress that suited me more than that one. How I wish I could. I'd much rather someone else got some joy out of it, then have it sitting there getting musty and yellow.

RooneyMara · 21/11/2012 09:11

I think the way your colleague asked was polite, and Okay generally.

But still, it does put you in an awkward position.

I think something like this is likely to have an emotional attachment, it could get ruined, quite easily, her daughter won't be able to keep it, which is sad, and you won't feel it's so special once someone else has worn it too.

I think the colleague just didn't anticipate how attached you might be to it.

Just explain to her that you feel it's a special thing to keep and you're really sorry, but you'd be too worried about anything happening to it - someone might spill their wine over her daughter, it could get muddy, accidents do happen. And you wouldn't want to bring any worry or resentment into the friendship.

Or make an excuse, that's what I'd do. I don't think you're unreasonable not to want to lend it. I've never been married though so I don't have one.

HoratiaWinwood · 21/11/2012 09:12

also it costs a lot of money to dry clean a wedding dress which she may not be able to afford

Yes, this. Say you looked into having yours cleaned as would "obviously" need doing before and after, and it would be rather more than the cost of a second-hand one so really she would be better off ...

RooneyMara · 21/11/2012 09:13

Oh and offset any awkwardness by being very friendly about it - and suggesting helping them find something similar, having a look online for something a bit like it but cheaper, to recommend - or suggest hiring a dress instead of buying one.

Keep bombarding her with 'helpful' suggestions about the wedding and keeping costs down and she will know your intentions are good.

RooneyMara · 21/11/2012 09:13

VG idea, Horatia!

greeneyed · 21/11/2012 09:13

Umm this is a difficult one and I suppose depends on your relationship with Wendy and how you feel about your dress. Personally I would lend it to her on the proviso of being cleaned afterwards - but for me it's just a dress really I doubt I'll EVER fit into it again and I have the pictures. It would make me happy to think of someone else being able to wear it. Fundamentally though it is yours and you can say no.

Trills · 21/11/2012 09:16

I don't think "I would do it" is going against the grain.

Saying "you should" might be.

If you don't want to lend it, lend it.

If you do want to, do it (but don't be too hopeful of getting it back clean and undamaged)

WandaDoff · 21/11/2012 09:20

I don't think that there was any harm in asking. A bit FORWARD perhaps, but not totally unreasonable.

If you don't want to lend it then just say NO. Simple as that.

ImAlpharius · 21/11/2012 09:21

I was gokng to say the same as Horatia. Two lots of dry cleaning fees for a wedding dress will be very expensive. Wonder if Wendy has thought of that.

Trills · 21/11/2012 09:22

That's why I think she won't get it back clean if she does lend it - if an ebay dress is " a bit pricey", getting wedding dresses cleaned is not going to look very appealing

winterhill · 21/11/2012 09:23

Actually I don't think the woman had done anything wrong or been rude.
Surely the answer is a Yes or a NO from the OP - end of story.

Personally I would lend because although it is a nice outfit it isn't doing anything and has been hanging round for a few years dust collecting. I haven't got a huge emotional attachment to the dress like some people have so wouldn't be bothered one way or another if someone else wore it.

Ephiny · 21/11/2012 09:25

I think it's quite odd and cheeky to ask. It's an awkward situation for you, but I think you just need to say 'sorry, no, I don't really want to lend it out to anyone'. There's no need to be rude, but at the same time you don't have agree if you don't want to.

My 'wedding dress' was just a nice but ordinary off-the-peg dress, so I would have no problem at all lending it to a friend. Actually I'd give it to a good friend if it fitted them better, it's a bit too big for me now. But even so, I'd kind of feel it should be for me to offer rather than for someone to demand. Especially if they're 'just' a work colleague and not even a close/personal friend. And even more so if it's an expensive one-off 'proper' wedding dress.

Also it's not your problem if 'Amelia' and family have got themselves into debt. If they're 'struggling' that much she can wait until they can afford the wedding she wants, or she can wear something she's already got.

musicalendorphins · 21/11/2012 09:31

"Wendy, I thought about your request to borrow my wedding gown, but sorry, no. The dress is special to me and I don't feel comfortable lending something like this."

Then perhaps mention some places with affordable dresses that she could check out?

Don't feel guilty, there are lot's of nice dresses out there. People have to live within their means. She was really bold asking such a thing. That is they type of situation where she could have hinted and let you offer if you wanted to.

HeathRobinson · 21/11/2012 09:39

'It doesn't mean we live in a house made of diamonds and ride unicorns.'

I love that.

pigletmania · 21/11/2012 09:42

I can't understand the major overreaction on here about the wedding dress, it's not like sn asked for a threesome is it Hmm. Some of you are very mean, the lady was polite. A simple no would suffice, and mabey a little white lie, r just say you would rather not lend it as it is very special to you

RyleDup · 21/11/2012 09:44

Youre not coming across as superior to me op. Its your wedding dress, just because your husband earns more doesn't mean its your responsibility to lend your dress, the one that was really expensive and has sentimental value, to someone you hardly know, just because they earn less then you. My wedding dress was expensive and beautiful. If a close friend needed to borrow it I would lend it as it would be looked after. There is no way I would consider lending it to a vitual stranger who liked the look of it on my fb page. I think she's got a bloody cheek tbh, you shop around until you find a dress you can afford, or put off the wedding and start saving.

diddl · 21/11/2012 09:50

Thing is though-what OP/her husband earn doesn´t really come into it, does it?

Wendy´s daughter can´t afford the dress she wants(?)

She likes Ops dress & has asked to borrow it.

Op says yes or no!

Wendy´s daughter finds a dress she can afford or saves up & marries then.

LadyMargolotta · 21/11/2012 09:55

Are you planning on keeping the dress?

Can you offer to sell it to her for a reasonable price?

Ephiny · 21/11/2012 09:56

I didn't see the relevance of what OP's husband earns either, maybe a bit of a stealth boast there!

But she is NBU to say no if she doesn't want to lend the dress, and I do think it's a cheeky request. Tbh I can't imagine asking work colleagues to borrow clothes/personal belongings at all, never mind something as special and expensive as a wedding dress Confused.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 21/11/2012 10:00

No!! What if something happened to it?? You may want it for your daughters or anything, there would be no going back if it got ripped, stained, it's a ridiculous request, plenty of people are skint for their wedding, you just manage!! YADNBU

IceCubes · 21/11/2012 10:08

OP YAsooooNBU! I would never lend my dress and I would be furious at someone putting me in such an awkward position.

I think it would perhaps be different if Amelia was a close friend, but why on earth would Wendy think that asking to borrow a dress from someone Amelia barely knows to be appropriate?!

If it was me, it would just be a flat 'no' and she would get directed to the Chinese bespoke wedding dress makers on eBay! (I've actually seen some beautiful dresses from those sellers!)

It's not an issue of money, or DH's job! Wedding dresses are entirely personal. The end.

BrevilleTron · 21/11/2012 10:10

Just a thought but tell her to try www.wornoncewithlove
I got my dress from there. The ladies are brilliant and clean and alter the dresses. They are ex sample and worn once dresses. Claire Shire-Jones is the lady and has a huge selection. She is in Hagley west mids. Sorry cant seem to link but I would highly recommend her.

dexter73 · 21/11/2012 10:11

It's only a dress
It's not though, it is her wedding dress. I have given away all of my dd's baby stuff and the only thing I kept were her first pair of shoes. They are only a tatty old pair of baby shoes but they mean a lot to me so nobody is having them however desperate they are. Lots of people have stuff that has no monetary value or use but they would be gutted to lose.