Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman to f off and buy her own dress?

431 replies

charlmarascoxo · 20/11/2012 21:29

I've worked with the same women "Wendy" for around 3 years now, and I am the same age as her daughter "Amelia".

Today Wendy asks me as if it would be possible for me to bring in my wedding dress to work for Amelia to borrow for her wedding. She explained that they were both struggling financially and that Wendy herself was in debt.

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, however I have been told by Wendy that they were both looking at the wedding photos on Facebook and how Amelia would love to have the same dress.

I am being a bitch if I refuse? My dress is so special to me and I don't want just anyone wearing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
charlmarascoxo · 20/11/2012 21:55

I'm not trying to show off or anything or think that I'm above anyone.

Maybe you're NOT trying to show off but you seem to be making a jolly good fist of it just the same!

Really? How so? I'm genuinely interested.

OP posts:
Narked · 20/11/2012 21:56

I had a tiny wedding and don't give a shit about what I wore, but some people do. It's a big deal for them and they spend a lot of time and money on finding the right dress and it holds sentimental value for them.

MrsBucketxx · 20/11/2012 21:56

get off op's case.

she doesnt want to lend it im guessing.

cut your cloth accordingly, if dhe cant afford it buy what you can!!!

MrsBucketxx · 20/11/2012 21:57

you not dhe

stifnstav · 20/11/2012 21:57

My BNWT wedding dress was £111 on ebay. She should look harder.

Trills · 20/11/2012 21:57

Just say no.

You don't have to lend people stuff just because they ask.

Even if you're never going to use it ever again.

YellowTulips · 20/11/2012 21:58

It's YOUR wedding dress. If someone else wears it it becomes THEIR wedding dress.

You either mind that or you don't.

Personally I would mind. I saved a long time to get the dress I wanted made for me and other than my DC's I wouldn't want anyone else to wear it

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 20/11/2012 21:58

Whether the wedding dress cost £10 or £10,000,000, it's bloody cheeky to just ask to borrow someone elses wedding dress - especially if you aren't close friends or family.

Cabrinha · 20/11/2012 22:00

OK, reading your update - yes, YABU.
Not to not lend it - that's fine.
But to tell this woman to f off... How rude!! From what you've said, the request was polite.

Narked · 20/11/2012 22:00

Ok. Anyone on here have a nice car? I would like to borrow it. I don't need to, but it would mean I had more money to spend on other nice things.

BupcakesAndCunting · 20/11/2012 22:02

She hasn't told her to eff off Hmm

YellowTulips · 20/11/2012 22:03

Narked - yep but it's a bit pricy on the petrol - should I throw that in too Grin?

Original poster
charlmarascoxo · 20/11/2012 22:03

Cabrinha I wouldn't actually tell her to fuck off. I was just venting my frustration.

OP posts:
Haberdashery · 20/11/2012 22:03

Um, what are you going to do with the dress? I mean, are you ever going to wear it again? If not, why not let someone else get some pleasure out of it?

Narked · 20/11/2012 22:04

If she beat her about the head with her DH's tax return, that would be unreasonable.

Badgersnatch · 20/11/2012 22:05

My wedding dress has been in the wardrobe for almost ten years (apart from the royal wedding when I put it on for the ceremony and let my friend wear the tiara) I doubt my children will want it because they're boys. I would lend it (if I liked the recipient) because I'll never wear it again and I can't be arsed to make it in to cushion covers

marchwillsoonbehere · 20/11/2012 22:05

Really? How so? I'm genuinely interested.

Nice question OP, and I (genuinely) thank you for asking it because honestly things can come out in writing REALLY not sounding as you meant them to, (and I am on a roll today...a local site changed its comment on FB about someone because I pointed out that it sounded really so rude). Anyway, so these are the things on which I am basing my rather snarky remarks.

This is the main one:

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, in direct contrast to saying how they were struggling (sounded less like genuine pity more like, I dunno, superiority).

Then later on you said that your husband worked hard for what he has. I don't doubt for a minute that's true, but how do you know that Wendy and her family don't work just as hard (not that that entitles her to your wedding dress obviously and as I said to start with, I don't think you are unreasonable to refuse).

I really am sorry if I have misread you but these I the things that made me feel you were flaunting your better circumstances over Wendy. But again, at the end of my first post here I finished by saying 'Probably just me...'

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/11/2012 22:05

YANBU.

It's cheeky to ask to borrow any expensive item where there is a risk that it could get damaged - as a wedding dress could. They know it was expensive because they have seen the price online.

That said, you have to say no clearly, this woman can't be expected to mind read.

Don't get bogged down in explanations / justifications.

Narked · 20/11/2012 22:05

Yes please. And I'd like it nice and clean too Grin

captainmummy · 20/11/2012 22:06

Hire it to her. Might be the start of a whole new business...

Mine is hanging in the wardrobe, yellowing, unloved.

cloudpuff · 20/11/2012 22:06

OP dont be made to feel bad because your husband is on a good wage and you had a good wedding, it did't come across as showing off to me, seems to be some are jealous on here.

The cost of the dress is irrelavant, its yours and if you don't want to let someone else use it then don't. Its not something i would feel comfortable asking my closest friends let alone a colleague.

I dont understand why material items have so much significance, surely its about being married to someone you love. I got married in Oct and would have loved to have gone the full hog but it was out of our price limits so we just went to the registry office, whole thing cost less than £200 including rings and dress etc and it was one of the best days of my life.

worsestershiresauce · 20/11/2012 22:07

I will never wear my wedding dress again, but that doesn't mean I would lend it to someone. We all have things that are special, that we keep as special, even if they serve no useful purpose.

OP, don't lend your dress - I wouldn't. People may ask favours, but there is no obligation to say yes. Just say sorry, but you can't. Don't bluster, and explain, just say 'no' and leave it at that. I bet they won't be surprised.

TuftyFinch · 20/11/2012 22:08

I think it is rude to ask. Cut your coat according to your cloth. If you can't afford the wedding, and dress, you'd prefer. Wait.

Idlegirl83 · 20/11/2012 22:08

My lovely friend who was emigrating so unable to get to my wedding gave me her wedding veil to wear on the day.
A year or so later when a relative asked to borrow it I said yes on the proviso that I got it back.
It took over six months of pestering her to finally get it back, screwed up in a Sainburys carrier bag with no thank you - it was given to me via a friend of a friend Shock
I say YANBU. You cannot guarantee its safe return :(

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/11/2012 22:08

It was cheeky of them to ask, obviously. YANBU and I don't think you have anything to defend.

What was your reaction when you were asked? You said no, right?