X husband and christmas day

[wannabestressfree]

I just wanted to canvas opinion actually.........
X husband and I split three years ago. The first christmas we spent together [was hell], last christmas I had the children christmas eve and for the morning and then they went to him and new girlfriend.......

I agreed [reluctantly I admit] to swop this year. This was requested by his solicitor and part of my divorce agreement.

I have received an email from him [he works abroad in a war zone] that he would rather we stuck to last years arrangement. His partner has her children in the afternoon and he would like to have ours then. He has said its not possible anymore to have them in the morning........

So I think he should stick to it because

1. He demonised me to the children as being 'unfair'.
2. I have another child in hospital and I would like to spend some time with him.
3. My whole family are coming for dinner now.
4. I had a shitty letter from his solicitor so my first response is 'tough'

Am I wrong?

I would also like to add that I have agreed to let him take them away from the 2nd to the 6th for a holiday........

I actually think you've been very lucky and now you get christmas morning with your dc. I would agree to it but stipulate that next years is yours as well as it's not your fault he is changing the agreement.

Is it really going to damage your plans? I mean really? If so yanbu.

yabu to use the phrase 'let him'.

for the sake of the kids i would try and keep it civil..

is it not possible to have two xmas days.. that is what many of my friends do now.. one spent with mum and her family, the second spent with dad and his family.. could they just go to him on christmas day night and stay over then?

how old are they?

I agree with pp let it be known he is changing the plans for his year of having them in the morning so next year is yours too as per agreement. Win win!

I had a shitty letter from his solicitor so my first response is 'tough' I don't see how you can call yourself wannabestressfree when you are so patently looking for something to get stressed about.

Wouldn't it be possible for you to take all your DCs to the hospital to see your other child? I don't think YABU to feel peeved over it but I do think ywbu if you looked this gift horse in the mouth.

I supposed I asked for opinion

I am more than accomodating. He works away for months at a time and I drop everything when I know he is coming back [at short notice]. I am civil with him and squeaky I think the idea of two Christmas days is good. They are 8 and 11.

I am not making a big deal and neither am I stressed my name stems from when my son was sectioned [he remains in hospital]. Perhaps I should change.

I was asking whether I should agree or not. My sons are very clear they would like Christmas to be fair. Which is why I am annoyed as I thought this year we had agreed terms.

No Ds is in a medium secure forensic unit. Its not even clear until the last minute I will be able to.

Sorry just re read thread and realised when I said it was solicitors letter that was to demand I DID swop........... and I agreed. That's why i am cross. Why demand and get me to agree and then change your mind.

What would he say if you argued that YOU couldn't have them for the morning and how would your DCs feel about it? I think they may well feel unwanted by anyone. As I say I don't think YABU to want to stick to the original arrangement as you have made plans but I do think that you may need to see it from your DCs point of view and how they may percieve both their parents tryiing to avoid having them for the morning. I hope you get to see your other DC as well and have a great cHristmas whatever the outcome.

I think if you want the dc's with you then agree but tell him you get kids next year too as he's the one who's changed the plans this year

But if you would rather he stuck to the agreed plans then tell him tough luck, he made the arrangement so he sticks to it...

YANBU to stick with the original agreement if it's easier for you and will be better for your DCs. In particular if you've arranged an extended family Christmas dinner around the original timings, it's unreasonable of him to expect you to change.

My only reservation would be - if you tell him he can't have the DCs in the evening does that mean he'll refuse to see them on Christmas day? And how would they feel about that? His lawyer's letter sounds nasty, but for the sale of your DCs try not to let your emotional response to that dictate their relationship with their father. Suggesting alternatives - like a second Christmas day with him - would be better than telling him to stuff it (however good that might make you feel ).

Sake of your DCs. Please do not try to sell them.

They know I would like them and I would. Perhaps I am over thinking it but I made plans as I thought they wouldn't be there. Hopefully drive to see DS1 in London [we are in Kent] for the morning then come home and they would be back for dinner.

I spoke to the 11 year old this morning and he reiterated he wanted Christmas morning with dad as ' we spent the last one with you mum'. He isn't aware of any requests to change.

Sorry If I sounded snappy. Exhusband works abroad and I take children from Kent to Birmingham every other weekend to see DS. They have a skeleton staff at units on christmas day so they wouldn't faciliatate all of us going.

Perhaps I am looking for stress

Ds is moving unit on monday to closer one :}

It sounds like he made things very unpleasant last year and has been talking to the DC about it being 'unfair' as well as sending the nasty solicitor's letter.

If you do make any changes, make sure that he is the one explaining why to the DC (whilst you listen.)

What is his reason behind saying that it's "not possible" to have the children in the morning. I can see that he would "prefer" to have them later on but that's a completely different argument. If it's just his "preference" after having second thoughts then I'd be tempted with the "tough" line, but whatever you do don't let your DCs think that neither of you want them or even that your other DC is more important to you. (I'm sure you wouldn't)

I'm glad your DS is going to be closer to home. Being so far from home and family won't aid his recovery.

He sent me an email to say
'I have moved my dates around so the new arrangements I have given you for the boys work out much better for me and partner'

That's it.

I do get plans changing when you have already made plans is annoying.
I am still with what I said earlier, send a letter back saying your prepared to not hold the agreement this time but next christmas is yours as well due to him wanting to change.

Can your family who's coming over for dinner not have the dc while you pop in and vist your son?

I think I will do what you have suggested . Thank you.

Ds's unit is 2 hours away in London. They will happily have the children whilst I go though. I just don't want him dipping out I suppose. Last year he was supposed to come home for a couple of hours and he was moved to another unit at the last minute and it was cancelled.

God it must be tough.

is the son that is in hospital your ex dhs? Is hr seeing him Christmas day?

You ex does sound selfish. Especially the last email. But accommodating where possible makes you look better.

Would it be worth keeping a log of all these instances where he demands one thing through legal channels then changes his mind.
May prove useful as he seems to have his solicitor on stand by. You may need some proof you do accommodate when possible.

Yes he is but he doesn't see him.

My DS has been in hospital 14 months and has aspergers also. He has a diagnosis of bi polar and possible schizoprenia [they are reluctant to diagnose due to age].

I always accomodate but I will again. I just think its unfair. He demonises me to the children and hasn't seen them since september. They both love their dad and his partner is nice and good with them I just am always expected to make concessions........

His solicitor although on stand bye is exasperated by him........she laughed when I rang about custody of the 'box sets'. The last thing I got a letter about.....

It is unfair and tbh the more I hear, the more I can see why you don't want to again.

He sounds like a cock. But as you sons get older they will see the truth and I sure your eldest will remember him not visiting.

My heart goes out to you. It really does and I hope things get better and you have a great Christmas.

He sounds like a shit. How can he not see his DS?