X husband and christmas day

[wannabestressfree]

I just wanted to canvas opinion actually.........
X husband and I split three years ago. The first christmas we spent together [was hell], last christmas I had the children christmas eve and for the morning and then they went to him and new girlfriend.......

I agreed [reluctantly I admit] to swop this year. This was requested by his solicitor and part of my divorce agreement.

I have received an email from him [he works abroad in a war zone] that he would rather we stuck to last years arrangement. His partner has her children in the afternoon and he would like to have ours then. He has said its not possible anymore to have them in the morning........

So I think he should stick to it because

1. He demonised me to the children as being 'unfair'.
2. I have another child in hospital and I would like to spend some time with him.
3. My whole family are coming for dinner now.
4. I had a shitty letter from his solicitor so my first response is 'tough'

Am I wrong?

I would also like to add that I have agreed to let him take them away from the 2nd to the 6th for a holiday........

To be honest it sounds like your children are old enough to have some say in these arrangements. I would email back saying very politely that you've already made plans around the original arrangements he requested for this year but you will speak to the children and if they're happy to swap then you'll do your best to reorganise things.
Make it clear that its their choice and they're looking forward to Christmas morning with their dad and would be disappointed not to. You're making a rod for your own back if you appear to just compliantly agree to his every whim.

I understand you not wanting to change the plans and I think you are well within your rights to tell him he sticks to the plan that he dictated.

I have similar problems with my XH but I've taken to just sticking to what was agreed with no compromise. As he's spent so long unwilling to compromise. Good luck.

I agree with Mimi actually. Excellent way of doing things because then it puts the ball back in his court to explain to them why he wants to change it.

I know it is not very mumsnetty but (((HUGS))) OP it must be extremely stressful dealing with a man like that (my exh was similar until I put my foot down and his solicitor refused to deal with him and his ludicrous demands any longer)

He does sound like a knob.

Completely and utterly get where you are coming from. I am taking daily deep breaths in and every time someone mentions the word 'Christmas' I feel like instantly breaking down in tears - this year will be my first year in 16 without my children with me!
My view is that in the face of the most frustrating sickening unjustice you should try to stick to what is really really right. If you can bring yourself to say it ...... "sure no worries I can do that"... do. Then hope that your cooperation brings more from him in return. It's the only way honey. Digging your heels in when you really don't have to will result in escalating unreasonableness. You need to pick those battles you need to fight carefully. When you then really do need to fight you can do so with impunity.
My kids will be with my Ex and away from me for a whole week at Christmas. I'd love to blab and tell you all my tales of woe but that's for another thread.
Good luck - try to dig deep and accommodate graciously. It may work better for you all in the long run
xx

Hey OP I'm sorry he's arsing you around :(

I know it's annoyi ng to always be the one to compromise, but I think it's what many single mothers do for the sake of our kids isn't it?

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and that you get to go and see your DS in hospital xx

I would say to tell him it needs to stay the same, especially as he's the one who made the fuss. he needs to realise he can't just mess you and the kids around because it doesn't quite suit his plans anymore. Also if he's told the children they're spending eve and morning there and they want to it is not fair to suddenly change plans on them, and its not fair on your family to not see them, or for you or your other son missing the chance to see eachother on christmas like you've been expecting until he changed his plans

Do you know who my heart goes out to? The children. For the love of god it is one day and you cannot be the adults and put aside differences and spend the day together!? Thank the lord my parents were and are still not like this. 16 years ago they seperated (14 divorced) and this christmas it will be me, dh, 2 kids, brother, sister and dad all at mums. Plus as she has moved dad will be staying. Even dh is impressed. Children are not pocessions likes cds and books.

Thanks all........ I do try and compromise he can just be so difficult. We are just going through our divorce and although he works abroad [in a very good job] he has managed a 100 quid in maintenance. He loves telling me he is untouchable.

I will compromise. I do everything to facilitate their relationship but he gets angry when he wants to call and I am at parents evening for example..... He is an only child and is very much 'my way or the highway'. He asked for their passport numbers monday and as they weren't in his inbox tuesday he sent me an email balling that I was 'ruining their trip'. I am tired, I teach fulltime, I go to Birmingham every week from Kent for an hour and a half with Ds1 and I just thought this was sorted.......

I am sorry I said 'let' him take them away. I shouldn't have done. I know they aren't mine but ours.........

Thanks everyone for nice messages though. Am currently hunting for a choccy advent calendar without foil as have just been told DS is not allowed it otherwise :{

Mrspear although that's very admirable I do not wish to spend it with him
Or him me
Or the tension it would bring the children
We also live in different towns.
They are not aware of any conflict, I am not Jeremy Kyle. I just asked an opinion on the way to proceed.....

What your exH wants and what he gets are two different things with that type of behaviour

I would say quite simply that the arrangements stand as they are. He is going to be in the house so there is no reason why the children can't be with him as HE demanded. I would write back that you will be there at the agreed time to drop off the boys and if your ex is not home then you shall assume he has simply cancelled. Tell him the DC's are looking forward to a family lunch with everyone.

I am quite angry for you. Your ex seems like a real C@#* and you seem to be doing your very best to hold everything together and as normal as possible. Very big non MN like hugs. x

You could carefully open the top of an advent calander, remove the foil and re-glue the top. Perhaps a back up option, every child deserves an advent calander.

Completely agree with 'ohtheconfusion', he should be grateful you're so easygoing, especially not paying more than 100 when in a good job, he needs to put the kids before his convenience, and if he isn't prepared to then he can have them over a different day. You shouldn't have to change yours and your families plans. He should be making an effort if he hasn't seen them since jan, not deciding to pick and change what suits him

Oh that's a good idea. I might try that tonight. I would try the religious one but I know he will feel left out........... he always opens the doors with his brothers on the phone.

He stuck to our christmas traditions religiously last year in hospital and he was still very poorly then. Timings and the things we do. I really cried on christmas eve. Have just spoken to the new unit though and providing he settles there may be more leaway this year :}

I have told exh I would like to stick to arrangements. Children are excited to be going and they know my brothers and sisters are coming for the day. I asked that maybe his partners ex husband could alter his plans if the children being together is the sticking block........?

Oh OP is there an alternative to aan advent calendar? There are fabric ones with pockets that you can pop a choccie in?

I actually want to come and give you a hug - you sound beat :(

I did think about the box ones actually but he is a stickler for the 'same'. I might have a mooch about when I go and collect his things to move.

I am ok just feel like a hamster on a wheel.........

OP - I bought a non-foil advent calendar from Wilkinsons last year. It was just a generic Santa/Christmas scene one. If you can swing by one it might be worth seeing if they have any.

I will we have one near us. Thank you

I agree with mrspear. Why oh why do people need to treat their children like chess pieces to be moved around the board to fit in with all their plans? What about the children in all this?

Op I realize this appears to be inconvenient, but to be blunt - if your xh wasn't in the picture then you would just have to make some kind of arrangement that worked around the children and that would be that.

Tbh I think it makes sense for all the children to be together on christmas afternoon i.e. your children and their step siblings - so I can absolutely see why this arrangement works for your ex.

Good grief wannabe I feel for you, I really do. You are putting your children first, they have been told the arrangements and your exH is trying to change them. You have alot on your plate and are holding things together for everyone.
NO WAY would I change the arrangements now. Especially as your exH has this lawyer on standby. He sounds like a real bully.

Just say 'no, sorry' leave it at that. Agree with another poster upthread that you will be making a rod for your own back if you give in all the time.

It sounds like you are a brilliant mother, extremely tolerant person and I also hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Stick to your guns.

Good for you MrsPear such a helpful post.

Er wannabe
If he wasn't available as he isn't 330+ days of the year I WOULD get on with it. They come to see their brother etc. I don't fit them in my plans/ They ARE my plans. I have no social life etc. THEY are all I do.

And what step- siblings? They are his partners children. My boyfriend has children too [teenagers]. We don't live together though.

Anyway I asked for opinions which its why its in AIBU and not relationships

My post was for the OP, not the other wannaBe. The other wannaBe I so not agree with at all.

If you are going to accommodate XH (and you're a bloody saint if you do) you should make two things clear.

Firstly that whatever he says this is 'his' year, so you'll take your turn as agreed next year, and secondly that his change of plans is very much unwanted by your son who assert's it's 'dad's turn'.

This stuff needs to be documented, I have no doubt he'd go squealing to his solicitor at the drop of a hat so I'd pre-empt that.

wannabe, You are under so much pressure and you sound as if your heart is in the right place. I do think you should be flexible but I do think asking him to explain it to you children (as they do want to be with him on Xmas morning) is absolutely the right thing to do. He is changing the arrangement, he needs to take responsibility for that.

My 'friend' who is a step Mother monster is currently convincing her partner not to have his 3 children on Xmas morning as she wants her children to not have to share the event with their step-siblings... these situations are very complex and who really knows what is going on but please make him face it - he may be under all sorts of pressures to get this sorted but that is his problem. You really have enough to deal with and this is not your doing.

My love to you all, i cannot imagine how hard it is for you to be away from your DS1.