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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to object to ex taking 2 year old dd 3 hours away to stay at his girlfriend's house?

79 replies

Igotdaboobies · 19/11/2012 14:50

Background: split with ex 6 months ago- cheating bastard. In the time since split he has seen dd every 2-3 weeks although has gone 4 weeks without seeing her at times. He has chosen to move 200+ miles away (initially to be with OW but then they split up). Arrangements have been that he comes for the weekend, I was actually letting him stay at my house for a while, before he became unbearable.

So, now that he is settled in a "serious relationship" with another woman(!) who he has been seeing three months he wants to:

a) introduce her to dd (I'm fairly certain this has already happened last week behind my back but he won't admit to it)

b) take her to stay at new woman's house for weekends - he will come and pick her up, bring her back etc. (he has no proper home of his own, lives in digs)

AIBU to not want to allow this??

Firstly, the travelling is an issue for poor dd in the car for 3 hours each way. Also, I can't stress enough that he is nowhere near a hands-on dad. He won't even change nappies and as soon as dd starts saying "no" to him, he can't handle it. So I am concerned that his relationship with dd is not close enough yet that she will be fine with just daddy and a strange woman. I just can't cope with the thought of him letting this woman do everything for my baby, which I know is going to happen. And the thought of my lovely girl being sad or wondering where mummy is.

OP posts:
cheekybaubles · 19/11/2012 14:55

Errr, Yanbu.
He will need to make other arrangements. Too soon and not a good idea.

Justforlaughs · 19/11/2012 14:56

I don't think YABU to object to your DC staying in a strange person's home at all. I think you should put a time limit on it and say that IF they are still together in another 3 months then your DC can meet them. I don't understand people who introduce their children to the latest partner after a very short period of time. 3 hours is also a long time for a 2 year old in a car.

Original poster
Igotdaboobies · 19/11/2012 15:16

Thank you! He is making out like I'm an evil cow who is just jealous of "their happiness"...

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 19/11/2012 15:22

I would say no but only because he is not actually living with this woman . I think if and when he moves in it will be slightly different . Do you have agreed access , if not it may be worth sorting that out ,so that everybody knows exactly where they stand. Also if he fails to stick to the agreed access it gives you more leverage when he wants to do things that you consider unreasonable. You have my sympathy because it sounds like your ex is extremely fickle with regards to relationships.

MissCellania · 19/11/2012 15:25

You don't get to allow it or not though. He is her father, and equal parent. Where he chooses to go and who with during his contact time is his own affair, unless you want to take him to court to get legal measures put in place to control access.
You might not like what he wants, but you don't have any right to over rule him.

naturalbaby · 19/11/2012 15:25

What about his dd's happiness?! Does he really think it's fair for your dd to be stuck in a car for 6hrs for a weekend? I'm reluctant to travel that far for a week away on holiday!

Where is he living? at his GF's?

ProcrastinatingPanda · 19/11/2012 15:28

I don't actually think you can decide when he introduces gf's to his daughter sorry, just like he couldn't stop you from doing the same. Yabu.

AThingInYourLife · 19/11/2012 15:32

The girlfriend has nothing to do with it.

A father should be able to take his 2 year old away for the weekend.

But this douchebag isn't able to care for his child through his own choice, so he'll have to make do with jolly uncle contact until he learns how to be a parent.

Original poster
Igotdaboobies · 19/11/2012 15:33

no, he doesn't actually live there so it is 100% her (and her exH's) house. i have said things like "where would dd even sleep?" and he just answers with "we'll sort something out" which i don't think is good enough. he "lives" in digs near his work (unsuitable for her to stay there).

does anyone have experience of long-distance contact? would it be ruled in court that this is reasonable?

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 19/11/2012 15:35

"He is her father, and equal parent."

On what planet is a man who visits his toddler occasionally and won't change her nappies equal to the mother who carried her, nourished her, houses her feeds her, cares for her and looks after her 100% of the time?

Man Planet, that's where.

Floralnomad · 19/11/2012 15:37

I think that you need to get contact sorted out on a legal footing . It's very nice when you can all stay friends and do things amicably between you but when these sorts of issues arise you are better off knowing where you stand .

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/11/2012 15:37

I am sympathetic to your situation. However, through my own situation I have had legal advice (I would suggest you get your own) to the effect that if he is on the birth certificate and therefore has parental responsability what happens when your DC has contact with him is up to him. As I was told courts are reactive not proactive. So if it goes wrong then they will make a ruling preventing it, but you have to allow the situation to play out.
Not what you wanted to hear I know and I feel your pain.

LtEveDallas · 19/11/2012 15:38

Sorry OP, but if he has PR then you have no say in who he sees, who he introduces his daughter to, or where he takes her. She is just as much his as she is yours, and he can do what he wants (within reason).

You may not like it, and I'm sorry about that, but if you do try to stop him, then you risk coming across just as he described you.

MissCellania · 19/11/2012 15:39

On the planet of UK law, thats where.

AThingInYourLife · 19/11/2012 15:46

Exactly.

LtEveDallas · 19/11/2012 15:48

Oh OP I just can't cope with the thought of him letting this woman do everything for my baby, which I know is going to happen Lovey I'm sorry, but it's not about you or your feelings. It is what is best for your DD, and if that is accepting that her father has moved on, and has a partner willing to help parent his daughter, then so be it.

You never know, this new partner might be absolutely lovely, and your DD happy to see her. Don't comdemn her just for existing.

AThingInYourLife · 19/11/2012 15:49

But even the sexist UK courts might think twice before sending a toddler off with a man she barely knows who is unable to attend to her most basic needs.

lubeybooby · 19/11/2012 15:51

You don't get to allow or forbid it. Sorry, it's his choice.

My DD's dad was a student nurse in Leeds when we split - DD was 16 months.

I lived 2 hours away (he used to come to me for weekends when we were together)

He is a capable and trustworthy parent. That was that. What house they are in is irreelvant.

MissCellania · 19/11/2012 15:53

AThing, stop adding in info that isn't there. Barely knows him? They only split up a few months ago and has had contact since, of course she knows him.

Viviennemary · 19/11/2012 15:55

Well I probably wouldn't like it myself. But on the other hand if you both have equal rights as parents I can't see why not.

mrsscoob · 19/11/2012 15:57

In an ideal world it would be fine if people could be equal parents but if one parent is putting their own needs before the child and just saying "I'm an equal,parent it's my right" then that is wrong and sadly I guess it's up to the other parent to put their foot down. Say no. If he is that bothered he will take you to court, from what you have said he probably won't do that anyway and well if he does by the time it gets to court and IF a judge rules in his favour she will be older nd it won't be such an issue.

AThingInYourLife · 19/11/2012 15:57

"In the time since split he has seen dd every 2-3 weeks although has gone 4 weeks without seeing her at times."

"Also, I can't stress enough that he is nowhere near a hands-on dad. He won't even change nappies and as soon as dd starts saying "no" to him, he can't handle it."

That's the "equal parent" of a drunk who uses the TV as a babysitter.

lubeybooby · 19/11/2012 16:01

It's never easy to let go of full control. But unless he has a history of absent mindledly leaving her in the middle of railway lines, or locking her in a cupboard and going out clubbing, the best thing for her is to see her dad.

It might not be the best the OP can offer care wise, but it's still for the best. He might not be perfect, but none of us are and we wouldn't want our exes breathing down our necks banning things and judging all the time.

During his contact with the child, he doesn't need permission to go anywhere or see anyone.

If this was OP with the genders reversed everyone would be saying the same as me.

lubeybooby · 19/11/2012 16:02

Re: 'not able to handle it won't change nappies blah blah' has he ever tried without the OP standing over him and the child playing the 'I want mummy' card?

It's likely to be very different without OP around and when he has space to actually parent.

Fairylea · 19/11/2012 16:03

I've seen a solicitor a few times about similar.

Effectively if he is on the birth certificate then he has automatic parental responsibility (and even if he doesn't have this it would be granted by a court anyway) so in the eyes of the law he has as much right as you do to take your child wherever he likes and introduce them to whom he pleases etc etc.

If you have serious doubts about his parenting ability then you need to voice this to a solicitor but that is a separate issue and to be honest if he has had unsupervised visits until now a court would most likely be uninterested in changing anything.

I'm sorry. I know that's not what you wanted.

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