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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at friend and let her know it?...

93 replies

Pinkforever · 19/11/2012 13:15

I always arrange our girls nights out. It can be quite challenging as need to find dates that suit everyone,venues etc.

Due to works nights out,other commitments etc I had arranged that our xmas night out would be last saturday.

However one of my friends is a very fussy eater and made it clear that if she didnt like the choice of restaurant she wouldnt come. We picked an indian, she doesnt like curry so was fine with her not attending.

Now my other friend had made no objections to which restaurant we were going to and seemed quite happy-up until the point that this other woman pulled out. They are bosom buddies btw.

Now she didnt even tell me she wasnt coming-even though I had booked it-told another friend and then when I spoke to her about it came out with the shit excuse of her nearly 2 year old not sleeping and she cant leave him-she has a dh and it is their 3rd child not fucking pfb!!

I dont believe this excuse and think that not coming because your pal isnt is a bit pathetic in a grown woman? plus I think she was peed off we didnt invite her dh but thats another story...

Aibu to be pissed off and tell them they can organise their own nights out from now on?...

OP posts:
missymoomoomee · 19/11/2012 13:50

I really don't know why she didn't want to spend an evening in your company. You sound like a pure delight to be around Hmm

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/11/2012 13:51

Your child wont settle for its own father?-wow some people really do make a rod for their own backs....

believe me I wish someone else would do it as it is a pain in the arse trying to suit everyone...

So, you seem to have made a rod for your own back by agreeing to be the organised then.

You do sound a bit rude to be honest OP.

WileyRoadRunner · 19/11/2012 13:51

OP has almost agreed that she is BU.

Perhaps you should just arrange nights with the people you like and let the others arrange their own night out. With them being so fussy and liking to comfort their non sleeping children and all.

I wonder how you would feel if they did arrange it themselves and it wasn't to your liking?

kige · 19/11/2012 13:56

You don't sound very keen to accommodate fussy friend. I would have asked fussy friend to choose 3 restaurants acceptable to her and then let the rest of the group do the majority rules thing from fussy friend's 3 places. It's not really very nice to exclude this friend, I can see she might be a bit high maintenance but she is still your friend.

It is also not very nice to have a crack at someone whose child won't settle for one of the parents. Some children are really very hard to settle and some are easy with plenty in between. I am speaking as someone who has been called back from a night out to comfort a similarly aged inconsolable child so I think you are being mean on that one personally.

If you are in the position of organiser you do have to try and be as diplomatic as possible and understand that it is a bit of a pita to do. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to and if it is causing you a problem, don't do it.

BuddyTheChristmasElf · 19/11/2012 13:57

I did used to have a friend like you OP, and no the "girls nights out" where everyone had to be there all together wouldn't have happened without her............. because the rest of us weren't bothered about "girls nights out" not being teenagers any more for one, because even though all 8ish of us all knew/were friends to varying degrees with each other, that didn't mean we had to all be present and correct at the same time, we were quite happy seeing each other 1:1 or in smaller groups or whatever. Eventually the social secretary got dumped by all because if invited by one person to something she'd take it upon herself to invite all the rest and turn it into a "girls night" and it was fecking annoying, plus her regular candlelight suppers "pizza, wine and dvd nights where the same people were expected to turn up every month were SOO DULL.

Personally, the main reason I dumped her was because she would introduce me as "one of the X girls" rather than just "buddy", and I realised that I was just a number for her "girls nights"

I still see the others without her organising, we just don't all have to see each other at the same time

Do you even like these women OP in their own right or are you just pissed off that your group doesn't look like a good enough "girls night" group without them?

WileyRoadRunner · 19/11/2012 13:58

Is the friend really "fussy" or is she unable to eat certain things due to allergy/problems/vegetarianism or something?

It is coming up to Christmas, perhaps they didn't want to spend money going out.

OHforDUCKScake · 19/11/2012 13:59

'A child wont settle for their father? Wow some people do make a rod for their own back'

Fuck off.

DP cant settle our child because he doesnt have breasts.

Beside, some children go through clingy stages where only one parent will do. For lots of different reasons.

Do you have kids?

Do you have a stick up your arse?

Your up tight, controlling and judgemental.

OHforDUCKScake · 19/11/2012 14:00

*you're up tight.

BuddyTheChristmasElf · 19/11/2012 14:03

"Beside, some children go through clingy stages where only one parent will do. For lots of different reasons."

yeah! you might have one child who will only settle with mum and a sibling who will only settle with dad

MrsCantSayAnything · 19/11/2012 14:03

Maybe she's scared of you. You seem quite judgmental.

Bongaloo · 19/11/2012 14:05

I'm not sure I'd think it worth unsettling the whole family and everyone being at the end of their tether sat night and the following day for a christmas party in November.
And if my friend wasn't going either, I think I'd probably just give it a miss.

Grin at bossom buddy. I guess that attitude is what they're up against.

SantasStrapOn · 19/11/2012 14:09

Your girls nights out sound like a bloody nightmare, to be blunt. I'd have heaved a huge sigh of relief if I were MsFussyEater. And why on earth wouldn't you get the fussy eater to chose the restaurant if you wanted her to come?

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus · 19/11/2012 14:10

"Your child wont settle for its own father?-wow some people really do make a rod for their own backs...."

Do fuck off. DS won't go down for DP, nothing about making a "rod for your own back" some kids just like being put down by a particular parent.

Also, you booked it knowing someone didn't like it, you also knew they were "bossom buddies" (WTF does that mean btw?). Considering how hostile you sound, I don't blame her for not wanting to go.

You can't force people to go out and if you're going to organise stuff like this you need to be prepared for people to cancel occasionally.

BurningBridges · 19/11/2012 14:20

I could see your point if you had to pay a deposit and had lost that - but that's not what you are saying is it? You are just annoyed as someone couldn't come and someone else doesn't like that restaurant. So surely that means they are entitled not to turn up?!

I used to hang round with a group like yours and if anyone couldn't come we had to put £2 in each to buy them chocolates as a consolation for missing the meal!! Now that I did rather resent, but just one or two people not being able to come and you are somehow the injured party .....?! oh dear. And definitely stop organising stuff.

BurningBridges · 19/11/2012 14:22

Actually, I take that back, why don't you buy both these friends a box of chocolates each as a consolation because they missed the meal .... Grin! But still not organise anything else in future.

Loie159 · 19/11/2012 14:24

yabu...... children DO go thru phases of not sleeping and it does make you leess inclined to go out. I wish they stopped doing it before the age of 2, but I can assure you OP that mine are 3.5 and almost 5 and Ive just had 10 days of them not wanting to go to bed / waking up in the middle of the night / waking early and am on my knees. she is not obligated in any way to "tell you the truth" for not coming, and tbh there really is nothing worse some times than organised fun. Especially if its arranged by someone who seems determined TO MAKE PEOPLE HAVE FUN

worsestershiresauce · 19/11/2012 14:29

Not liking curry is hardly fussy. It is a cuisine that is renowned for being greasy, very spicy, and it does have the dubious side effect of leaving you smelling like an unwashed armpit for the entire of the next day. I would make up a crap very plausible excuse to avoid a curry night to be honest.

I kind of agree with some of the other comments though - nights out are supposed to be infrequent and voluntary. Once someone takes charge and turns them into obligations they just aren't fun any more. Most people socialise in twos or threes. Big group things are a bit ugh.

Tabliope · 19/11/2012 14:40

I don't really get the problem. If there's loads of you - which you make it sound when you go on about the majority rules - then what does it matter if two drop out? Vice versa, if there weren't loads of you then what was the problem finding somewhere everyone likes? I think I live in a different world.

Nagoo · 19/11/2012 14:54

It is rude to drop out without telling you, but 'my child is unsettled' is polite for 'I just CBA to hang out with you if Sheila's not going'.

OP, she's just not that into you.

Original poster
Pinkforever · 19/11/2012 16:15

I am most amused that you all seem to think I am some sort of fun policeGrin-forcing them to go out-far from the truth. They ASK or MOAN at me to arrnge nights out.

The fussy eater wanted to go into the city as she doesnt like any of the local restaurantsHmm. She was outvoted as the rest of us said we couldnt afford an expensive night out this close to xmas.

I am not annoyed at my friend not coming-it was the shit excuse imo and the rudeness in telling me at such short notice. I know it was also partially because her dh wasnt invited to the girls night out.

OP posts:
HollaAtMeBaby · 19/11/2012 16:23

The OP is absolutely right about rods for backs. To those who accept that their (non-BF) child will only settle for one person and are happy to martyrishly organise their lives around that: what if you had to go into hospital? Don't you think it would be less traumatic for your child if you had already got them used to settling with others? Don't you think it's upsetting for the baby's father not to be able to put his own child to bed? I suspect that people who say "oh, dc will only settle for me" secretly love being the only one who can settle them. Your child would not never sleep again if you were unavailable at bedtime for a few days.

OP, I think you are overthinking this situation. Next time, just pick a restaurant (maybe something with a variety of different food, rather than something like Indian that not everybody likes), let everyone know, and book it. Done. If you book the restaurant for say 8 pm, people who don't want/can't afford to dine in that restaurant can eat at home and join you for drinks/pudding, or can just meet you in the next place.

BeauNeidel · 19/11/2012 16:31

YANBU OP. It is so annoying when someone cancels and makes up some shitty reason instead of just saying they didn't want to go!

OkayHazel · 19/11/2012 16:37

If you don't want to organize a night out, say no when they ask you.

I had a friend like you, always playing the martyr. We are no longer friends.

crypes · 19/11/2012 16:42

A xmas party in November seems a bit contrived. I know loads of people who dont eat Indian food and with you fussing too much ,it all sounds a big bore.

VoiceofUnreason · 19/11/2012 17:00

Pink - so, if your friends ASKED you to jump off a cliff for them, would you do that, too? No one is forcing you to organise a night out. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. But don't agree to do it and then moan about it.

You do realize it can't actually be helped, being a "fussy eater". I mean, if you really don't like something so strongly it makes you ill, what are you supposed to do? Go on your girlie night out with you guys, eat a curry, then puke all over you??