Not wanting dd's dad to have her alone or overnight yet

[Lia87]

My daughter is 10 weeks, but was 9 weeks premature, her father and i get on ok, but he just doesn't seem to give a toss about her unless its to show her off to friends, rest of the time hands her back after a min or 2, laughs when she cries rather than comforting her, tells me to leave her crying and that i'm spoiling her by comforting her, said i shouldn't feed her unless its been 4 hours between feeds so she "doesn't get in bad habits", makes excuses most times he arranges to see her an hour or so before he's meant to, didn't ask about her for a week while she was in intensive care, and has only seen her 2-3ish hours about every 2 weeks past month, hasn't paid anything towards her

yet has texted me twice saying "i want you to drop the baby off at mine on ___ i have equal rights to her" (which i think is most likely to show her off to friends as he doesn't bother to ask how she is or reply to me for a week or 2 at a time)
each time i've phoned him to explain why its not practical eg breast feeding, she doesn't stop crying for anyone else yet, she doesn't really know him enough so would be scared etc, and offered to stay with her or him stay at ours until she's old enough, which he ignored and was just like i want a date i can have her overnight each time
personally i don't feel he's capable of caring for her alone until 2and half-3 when she can say if she's happy with him or not, am i being unreasonable?

But was the 4hrs also for prems?

The baby needs its mum an milk ore than she needs her father. What about the babies rights to be fed and cared forwell. I would not take this lying down. Iwould tell him with rights come responsibilities

Sirboobalot, with the negligent to leave her with him arguement, if i did end up getting ordered by court to leave her alone, could i refuse on this basis? Or would they not care if they thought it wasn't a big enough risk to her?

I don't think any sane judge would rule you had to leave her overnight right now. I also don't think he would actually take you to court to fight for this; he seems to see your daughter as a novelty item. He's trying to scare and control you.

How supportive is your health visitor? Could you make her aware of what he is saying?

Considering how he has been acting, you are doing what is best for your daughter. Firstly because of breastfeeding, but also because you feel he would ignore her and not care for her properly if she went there. He didn't visit her when she was in intensive care, FFS.

Keep your distance from him; stop with the daily updates. I know that's hard as a single mum because you want the dad to be involved and care as much as you do, but he sounds like a prize wanker. If he wants to have her at any point down the line over night, he needs to earn it, and show he is capable of caring for her on every level.

YANBU.

He sounds like a total prick!

Obviously even if he was a good dad, it would be very difficult to let him have her while she's tiny and BFing.

I do get annoyed though (as other posters do) by people blithely trotting out the old 'babies need their mum', as if any father is just some worthless sideshow. Dads can be great parents, too, when it's practical with regard to feeding.

I think you should ask him if he'd like to have formal contact arrangements.

In the meantime don't travel to see him, etc. If he wants to visit your DD at your house or whatever then fine, if you're happy with it. The idea of your DD staying at his house, without you, is ridiculous at this stage. YANBU at all.