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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting dd's dad to have her alone or overnight yet

81 replies

Lia87 · 18/11/2012 11:55

My daughter is 10 weeks, but was 9 weeks premature, her father and i get on ok, but he just doesn't seem to give a toss about her unless its to show her off to friends, rest of the time hands her back after a min or 2, laughs when she cries rather than comforting her, tells me to leave her crying and that i'm spoiling her by comforting her, said i shouldn't feed her unless its been 4 hours between feeds so she "doesn't get in bad habits", makes excuses most times he arranges to see her an hour or so before he's meant to, didn't ask about her for a week while she was in intensive care, and has only seen her 2-3ish hours about every 2 weeks past month, hasn't paid anything towards her

yet has texted me twice saying "i want you to drop the baby off at mine on ___ i have equal rights to her" (which i think is most likely to show her off to friends as he doesn't bother to ask how she is or reply to me for a week or 2 at a time)
each time i've phoned him to explain why its not practical eg breast feeding, she doesn't stop crying for anyone else yet, she doesn't really know him enough so would be scared etc, and offered to stay with her or him stay at ours until she's old enough, which he ignored and was just like i want a date i can have her overnight each time
personally i don't feel he's capable of caring for her alone until 2and half-3 when she can say if she's happy with him or not, am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
glentherednosedbattleostrich · 18/11/2012 15:48

I see the point about baby just needing a care giver who is not necessarily thier mum but with the best will in the world a man can't breastfeed so in this case yes baby does need mum!

OP YANBU, he sounds like a git. You've had some great advice on here and congrats on your baby

MaBumble · 18/11/2012 15:59

ballstoit, I agree - responsable fathers who can and do take care of babies, even teeny ones, are as amazing as any mum. I have a feeling that's not what we are talking about here. Can mum express enough milk to keep baby going over night? How would not feeding baby overnight herself affect her milk supply? Will baby happily take a bottle instead of mums boob? Would the father be willing and able to feed on demand or would he keep to his 4 hour rule?

In short how will giving baby to the father overnight affect baby's emotional and physical health? And is it really necessary at this early stage?

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 18/11/2012 16:09

Your dd is ebf and 10wks old. She needs pretty much 24 hour access to a lactating boob - I certainly dont think he is able to facilitate that.

Also, regardless of anything else, why the actual fuck should you be dropping off and presumably collecting dd? If and when visitation begins, meet at a mutually agreed neutral place - do NOT get into ferrying around for him.

Stop the daily updates. Tell him bathtime is on x day at x time and he could come and do that. If he isnt arsed about the nitty gritty then he is not entitled to the fun.

pigletmania · 18/11/2012 16:14

What if the ex was not an arse, what are the practicalities of contact with a breastfed baby. What if the baby is breastfed for te longer term, that means exp would not be able to have their child to take out or do stuff with them

eatssleepsfeeds · 18/11/2012 18:26

Sitting here reading this, breastfeeding my 9 month old. Feel utterly sick at the idea of such a knobhead having anything to do with a baby of her age let alone one who is effectively a wk old.

You stand your ground, my love. Keep up the absolutely fantastic work you're doing in feeding your premmie. It's about you and your baby now.

That fucker can play his part on your terms and when it is appropriate. And that is not now.

Btw, ignore any ridiculous advice about feeding 4 hourly.

Take care. Xx

Original poster
Lia87 · 18/11/2012 23:22

Piglet mania, before i realised he couldn't care less bout her plan was to take her to stay/him stay over to have some nighttimes with her, and me go out with a friend or mum etc same area if he had her for bit in day after couple of months so he could have her couple of hours during day and just phone when she needed feed so could be there within 5 mins ish, but obviously i'm not comfortable with any of that anymore seeing what he's been like, but i guess thats sort of way people get around breast feeding problem after babies initially bonded with both parents there for a while

OP posts:
MistressIggi · 18/11/2012 23:36

Lia stay strong, you are not trying to deny him contact you just want what is best for the baby. I have a very "hands on" partner who spends lots of time with our 6 month old, baths him, changes him, takes him out on his own etc. I happily leave them alone for a few hours in the afternoon, between feeds, or leaving expressed milk. I've tried the same thing in the evening - cue red-faced sobbing that did not abate, and took ages to calm him down even when I (and the boobs) came home again. No matter how bonded a baby is with a secondary, at-work-full-time carer, they are very likely to miss their primary carer the most. That is not sexist.

PostcardsFromTheHedge · 18/11/2012 23:38

Not a bloody chance would I OP! Your baby needs you just now.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 18/11/2012 23:39

So, you didn't read the thread then Postcards Grin

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 18/11/2012 23:40

Not even a cursory glance at the OP's posts?

MakeItALarge · 18/11/2012 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 18/11/2012 23:41

Epic fail.

Just posted on the wrong thread Grin

Sorry Postcards!! Mwahhhh x

PostcardsFromTheHedge · 18/11/2012 23:47

Grin Chipping

pigletmania · 18/11/2012 23:52

Oh ok loa. As I said earlier, bf aside I ould noway be haoppy to leave my precious thing in the world with a prick who could not be arsed

TwelveLeggedWalk · 18/11/2012 23:57

How lOng has she been home? Did he spend time in hospital/go to discharge meeting etc? They would surely have emphasised how important it is to keep her inna familiar environment/regular feeds/no pass the baby round like a parcel etc...

blackeyedsusan · 18/11/2012 23:58

little babies need their mother. it is the mothers smell, heartbeat and voice that they have been tasting/smelling hearing for the last few months and they are not yet aware that they are different to mum, according to the books etc. baby will not have heard father's voice as they are separated and will not yet be associating father with comfort and security, more an absence of mum and milk.

children need fathers as they grow and they become more aware and the father is more involved. let's hope this one will be...

ToffeeCaramel · 18/11/2012 23:58

Not read the other replies but "laughs when she cries rather than comforting her, tells me to leave her crying and that i'm spoiling her by comforting her, said i shouldn't feed her unless its been 4 hours between feeds so she "doesn't get in bad habits" Sad He sounds utterly vile and totally unsuitable for caring for a tiny baby. I wouldn't trust him with her for 10 minutes let alone overnight.

ToffeeCaramel · 19/11/2012 00:16

"i think he'd most likely just put her in another room and go to sleep, because he's so convinced i should be leaving her to cry." That would be dangerous at her age as she could get very dehydrated if left overnight with no milk, not to mention traumatic for her.

SirBoobAlot · 19/11/2012 00:35

He laughs when she cries, says you're feeding her too often and doesn't want her to get into habits by feeding her in the way you need to.

Frankly, if you did leave her with him, it would be negligent.

This man is an arsehole. He has no idea how to take care of a baby, and no desire to learn. Do not leave her with him for five minutes, never mind over night!

You are doing brilliantly, keep going. And keep your distance from him where you can.

MORCAPS · 19/11/2012 05:11

Fuck no, and if you can afford it get a lawyer.

At the very least all communication needs to be in written form, all of it.

So that if he does decide to press for his 'rights' (IMO parents don't have rights only responsibilities), you will have clear written proof about how he intends to (not) care for her.

Your daughter has a right to see him he has a responsibility to her.

Longdistance · 19/11/2012 06:15

So your baby is newborn in real terms when corrected. It's a no brainer really.
Spoiling her with cuddles, feed her every 4 hours. What is he? Some kind of childcare expert. I doubt it very much.
He sounds a knob btw.
You're well shot of him.
I'd say a few hours here and there, but not overnight, no way!

Namechangeforapropertythread · 19/11/2012 06:42

My parents kept trying to get me to do the 4 hour thing. Apparently that was recommended then and it does make me sad to think of me as a few born left in a hospital nursery to cry unless it map 4 hours. He might be getting info from his parents. My dad also went on about spoiling and still does!

None of which changes that if he wants to be involved its on your terms doing whatever your routine is with you. You can't give your little baby away.

Good luck.

Inertia · 19/11/2012 06:46

Yanbu. The way this man proposes to care for a newborn will be detrimental to her health and well-being. She needs you to protect her from this stupid self-centered man.

diddl · 19/11/2012 06:47

Not sure how old some of you are but I´m nearly 50 & was prem & my mum fed me on demand as advised.

Namechangeforapropertythread · 19/11/2012 06:55

I'm 32 -the hospital at the time was very strict. Other people my age have said the same of their parents. Brother was 2 years younger and advice had changed by then. I'm sure it affected bonding in my case. I think its horrific but really wasn't uncommon. Mum must be nearly 60.

Doesn't at all make it right in any way shape or form but might explain where he got it from. Or might not!

Its going to be hard but he does need to work on access on your terms.