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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting dd's dad to have her alone or overnight yet

81 replies

Lia87 · 18/11/2012 11:55

My daughter is 10 weeks, but was 9 weeks premature, her father and i get on ok, but he just doesn't seem to give a toss about her unless its to show her off to friends, rest of the time hands her back after a min or 2, laughs when she cries rather than comforting her, tells me to leave her crying and that i'm spoiling her by comforting her, said i shouldn't feed her unless its been 4 hours between feeds so she "doesn't get in bad habits", makes excuses most times he arranges to see her an hour or so before he's meant to, didn't ask about her for a week while she was in intensive care, and has only seen her 2-3ish hours about every 2 weeks past month, hasn't paid anything towards her

yet has texted me twice saying "i want you to drop the baby off at mine on ___ i have equal rights to her" (which i think is most likely to show her off to friends as he doesn't bother to ask how she is or reply to me for a week or 2 at a time)
each time i've phoned him to explain why its not practical eg breast feeding, she doesn't stop crying for anyone else yet, she doesn't really know him enough so would be scared etc, and offered to stay with her or him stay at ours until she's old enough, which he ignored and was just like i want a date i can have her overnight each time
personally i don't feel he's capable of caring for her alone until 2and half-3 when she can say if she's happy with him or not, am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TandB · 18/11/2012 12:53

If he went to court he would be granted contact, but he wouldn't be granted overnight contact at this time and in these circumstances.

This is a baby who would, had the pregnancy gone to term, have still been inside her mother. She has needed extra care and she is being breastfed. There is no way any court is going to order her mother to hand her over for extended/overnight contact to anyone, let alone someone who is texting demands about his "rights".

Establishing breastfeeding with premature babies is difficult and it is wonderful that you have managed this, OP. No judge is going to disrupt the breastfeeding relationship, particularly for a premature baby who needs all the help she can get to make sure she gets off to a good start in life.

Keep the texts. Put all communication in writing/email so that you have something to show a solicitor if it comes to that. Offer reasonable and regular contact but do not cave in to his unrealistic demands.

squeakytoy · 18/11/2012 13:09

how old is he? does he have any other children? does he live with his parents still?

Softlysoftly · 18/11/2012 13:24

Lia DD2 6 months bf and is in the process of weaning, she still feeds all bloody 2-3 times a night so I'm not sure weaning would automatically mean he can take her overnight.

I

OHforDUCKScake · 18/11/2012 13:27

Dont wean her.

maddening · 18/11/2012 13:30

What kungfu said - stand your ground - you are in no way, shape or form bu. Keep all records of communications with exP.

OHforDUCKScake · 18/11/2012 13:30

To add, DS2 is nearly 18 months old. He feeds a lot in the day and several times a night. I wouldnt be able to leave him with someone over night.

I tried to go out Once Upon a Time, I was called back at 9pm with a stricken face on DP and baby absolutely hysterical. Never seen him like it, took a long time to calm him down. DP feels bad but what can you do. I like having the excuse not to leave him because I dont want to leave him.

maddening · 18/11/2012 13:32

Ps I am still bf at nearly 2 yrs old.

TidyDancer · 18/11/2012 13:58

A court will not allow him to take your DD overnight at the moment, but it would be unlikely to stay that way until 3.

Could you see your way to consenting to him taking her for eg an afternoon when she's a bit older? I don't honestly see a court preventing him lone contact with her until 3ish.

WildWorld2004 · 18/11/2012 14:13

Just tell him no & explain that it is not possible as you are breastfeeding & make sure he understands that. Where does he think the night feeds are going to come from? Or does he think the baby will just sleep through.

I know what i would be buying him for christmas

NonnoMum · 18/11/2012 14:19

Poor you. Please don't sleep with an idiot again.

NonnoMum · 18/11/2012 14:21

And congrats on BFing a prem baby. You sound like you are doing amazingly.

DontmindifIdo · 18/11/2012 14:22

say no. If he can't be bothered getting in touch for 2 weeks at a time, he is unlikely to go to court. And if he does, he's not going ot get overnight with a breastfed baby, esp if you have offered access at your home.

Original poster
Lia87 · 18/11/2012 14:25

NonnoMum, yeah wasn't the smartest decision of my life! i thought he seemed like a really nice guy when we were dating, appears i'm a bad judge of character!
squeakytoy he's 25, has no other children, has just started dating some 19 year girl when DD was 6 weeks old, and rents his own place

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 18/11/2012 14:27

Sorry, Lia. You just sound like such a lovely mum. Hope that your next partner will be the fabulous man that you and your DC (and maybe more DCs??) deserve... You'll find him one day and then can can have a lovely time raising your family, rather than this worry and stress that no new mum needs...

jellybeans · 18/11/2012 14:38

I agree fathers have rights but feel a baby needs it's mother more as a newborn and young toddler so visits should be short. I heard in Australia there has been a trend towards 50/50 even in cases of breastfed infants!! Eg a week at each. I really don't agree with that kind of schedule. Some fathers only think of their rights not the babies right to breastfeed and to it's mother. Like it or not mothers give birth. I would say he has no chance let him go to coutr but agree to short visits at your house first and move slowly towards overnights when little one gets to 2-4 yrs. If he is serious he would take this offer. YANBU at all.

MistressIggi · 18/11/2012 14:41

I imagine if you did agree to an overnight, it would be the only one he'd ever want. Or is he the type to get his mum round when the crying starts?

ballstoit · 18/11/2012 14:52

YANBU. But only because you are breastfeeding, and he doesn't seem to grasp your baby's needs.

All the posts saying babies need their mums...no, babies need a loving, capable adult to care for them. Children need a relationship with both parents wherever possible.

Perhaps you could encourage him to meet your HV, or Outreach Nurse (if you have one), ask him to come to appointments and involve him as much as possible. It's in your DDs best interests for you to get on with her Dad.

Original poster
Lia87 · 18/11/2012 14:59

MistressIggi, his mum doesnt live nearby, but i think he'd most likely just put her in another room and go to sleep, because he's so convinced i should be leaving her to cry. He's also so stubborn there's no way he'd phone me if she wouldnt feed or anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Lia87 · 18/11/2012 15:04

Ballstoit, i do see that point of view when a baby has been around mum and dad from the start and is happy with both, but she doesnt know him, and he doesnt seem to have any sort of feelings/care towards her. i tell him when all her appointments are already, as i text him most days with an update/picture, but he doesnt seem interested in anything unless he can have her alone

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 18/11/2012 15:07

Ok ballstoit but in this situation the 'father' has no bond with her and has done nothing to try to build one. He is not an equal parent/caregiver at this stage through his own actions
Babies need to be with a loving, responsive caregiver and to have their needs met. In tiny babies that is often the mother over the father, even when the father is decent and involved (as this tosser isn't)

MmeLindor · 18/11/2012 15:11

Stop texting him with daily updates. Put the ball in his court. If he wants access, he has to prove his interest. And not for 15 mins but for longer period of time and consistently.

I'll wager he will back off completely.

SouthernComforts · 18/11/2012 15:13

Yanbu, she is only 1 week corrected!

Squiglettsmummy2bx · 18/11/2012 15:16

My DS is almost 10 months old & weaned but still bf & feeds almost all night long, no one will be having him overnight for a long long time to come. You are doing a fab job btw

ballstoit · 18/11/2012 15:17

I completely agree that the op's ex is not taking equal responsibility Erik, which is why I said the op was NBU.

However, I did want to challenge the view expressed by yourself and other posters who say that tiny babies need their mums more than anyone else. This view is trotted out much too often both on MN and in RL, and is a huge insult to the millions of fathers who do take equal responsibility and are equally important in their children's lives. Parenting is not a competition to be needed the most.

pigletmania · 18/11/2012 15:18

He is a dick and behaves like a child of course YANBU at all. She is nota toy to be put down ad picked up when he feels like it, and I would be telling him this

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