Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

[HoneyDragon]

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

Papaya and fish sauce.....

well.....

trip with uni mates to Queensland
copious amounts of vodka
wierdo food combos as a series of bets

Also- pineapple sprinkled with chilli and sugar. Although they actually do that in Thailand.

I have an ObsessiveKitchenTidyingFucker. Now I appreciate that on the face of it this doesn't found like a bad thing. But it's fucking irritating to be cooking with all the utensils you need to hand, take your eye off then for 10 seconds or so, and find they've been spirited away by dh to be washed / put in dishwasher. Wait until I've finished ObsessiveKitchenTidyingFucker or you might find said utensils being swiftly inserted up your arse too!

DH is a cookerknobfucker and is also verging on an obsessivekitchentidyingfucker - or would be if he did it on a regular basis. He occasionally tries to be 'helpful' and starts clearing away,always taking the spoon from the side of the cooker but leaving the butter knife on the side behind him. I sometimes think the back worksurface of our kitchen is shrouded in some sort of cloak of invisibility, he never cleans the fucker up!

He is also a recipefiddlerfucker and consequently not allowed to cook unless it's egg-related, as he is better at that than me. When first attempting seduction he cooked a meal for me - cottage pie where he'd gone along his dad's (ancient) spice rack and tipped a good tablespoon of EVERY herb and spice going into the mix. It was... interesting. You don't expect to be picking both rosemary and cardamon pods out of your teeth while eating cottage pie... as far as he's concerned a recipe is merely a blank canvas upon which he can tip every fucking herb and spice known to man in and possibly throw some raw orange peel (not the zest, the whole fucking skin and white pith beneath) as well because it's somehow 'exotic'. Hmmph.

oh this has cheered me up!

I have a JerseyCreamShakingFucker. The nice extra thick Longley Farm Jersey cream, yellow and unctuous and luxurious? He shakes it until I may as well have bought chuffing Elmlea.

I have a useeachandeverybloodypaninthecupboardincludingtheswissrolltray fucker. I love him dearly, but every time he cooks the dishwasher runs constantly for the next 24 hours washing up all the saucepans, frying pans , casserole dishes etc .

We're doing fish pie tonight , which is normally a 2 pan and a dish job anyway. As he's doing it , we could be washing up for 48 hours this time.

My dh is an obsessivetidyingfucker, and it drives me berserk. He is also a beinghelpfulinanentirelyunhelpfulwayfucker - his worst offence being knocking over the sweet and sour sauce I had made from scratch, because he thought the work top by the sink HAD to be wiped right then! I didn't have the ingredients to make a second batch, so had to scrape what I could off the worktop back into the jug. I nearly killed him to death.

On the odd occasion when he cooks, I have a 'I am a completely incapable of finding anything in the kitchen cupboard without assistance fucker!' That is even when the thing he is looking for is blatantly at the front of the cupboard jumping up and down, waving its arms around and shouting "Mr Dreaming, I'm here!" I spend that much time going into the kitchen to find whatever item he says we don't have any of, despite me telling him that we do and it's in the cupboard, that I may as well just bloody cook myself!

I do have to confess to being a bit of a 'messy, use too many pots and pans fucker.' I just find that one minute the kitchen is tidy and the next there is 'stuff' all over every work surface. But I tend to clear up afterwards so I don't think it's too much of a sin............ is it??

Dreaming, it's allowed if you are the one that clears up. But if not .......

Spoon up bum offence in my book.

Love this thread.

I am late on to this thread due to the fact I had to guard my slow cooker yesterday to stop DH lifting the lid every time he went in the kitchen

And yy to random stirring. He is clearly a frustrated wannabe chef. As I am typing this he is working his way through 25 episodes of Australian Masterchef with some UK Masterchef waiting on series link.

I wouldn't mind but, when he attempts to cook, he takes no notice of any instructions about temperatures etc. and just bangs everything on "nuke".

The smoke alarm goes on overdrive.

We have a Spoonyfucker here too, also a knobberturnerdownerfuckertwat.

On the other hand, I am a self-confessed SprinklyCunt. I will and do add splashes of Worc Sauce, pinches of cinnamon or sprinkles of stock powder to whatever DH is boringly cooking. He hates it. I remind him that he is a Spoonyfucker. And at least the food tastes of something.

Reshape - if your knobberturnerdownerfuckertwat could move in with my letscookitallatthetemperatureofthesuntwat - we might get an edible meal!

Like your thinking Tess, working on the law of averages

We need a kind of dating website to match them up.

We could call it Plenty of Knobs in the Kitchen

I would be annoyed if DH did this, rule of thumb in our house, no-one touches what the other is cooking unless they ask first.

I had a date the other week. Not only did he cook a meal, he decided to make the recipe with fresh pasta instead of dried, and cleaned up afterwards while I sat and did erm nothing
Should I keep him?

A secateurfucker could also be known as a prunyfucker if he uses other instruments like loppers and a pruning saw. My DP killed the only tree in our front garden by prunyfucking it. One June morning, he casually mentioned trimming it. I said it could only be done in the depths of winter without killing it. I came back from work to find the poor fucking tree BUTCHERED to death.

Blue -yy to prunyfucker!

DH goes out once a year, carrying the electric hedgetrimmer like Arnie or Bruce Willis and it's an horticultural massacre.

And his best "lock and load" expression, TessCow?

Mine is a doorshutterfucker and a spoonyfucker.....you all need rules i tell ya rules. Don't touch anything if you are not cooking.

That's the one Blue

brighthair keep him? I suggest you rent him out for celebrations and holidays.