Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

[HoneyDragon]

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this faces.


AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

[HoneyDragon]

Worcestershire Sauce on an Avacado????????
An actual Avacado with lea & perrins?

And he expects people to actually put that in their mouths?
Eugusta that's wrongness bordering on pevertedness.

[Egusta]

Actually, we might be a pair. I only eat fresh papaya (when you can get them) with fish sauce.

Seriously, it is very good. (Not the avocado thing, the papaya thing).

[Jingleflobba]

This is exactly why I have banned DH from the kitchen when I am cooking in it. Frankly I value our marriage way too much to have it spoilt by getting arrested as a result of general kitchen fuckery. His ability to use every single sodding pan, dish, knife, chopping board and surface to make a simple meal is astounding, even after 15 years...
And don't get me started on why I now use microwave rice...

[GiserableMitt]

I think this is one of my favourite MN threads

[Lulabellarama]

Oh god, I'm married to a spoonyfucker.
He completed fucked my scrambled eggs recently by stirring them into oblivion.
But I am a saltfucker. Especially if my mum is cooking.

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

Dh once added THYME and lemon juice and chilli to a perfectly adequate bottle of Rogan Josh sauce. It was disgusting.

YANBU.

[YellowDinosaur]

Howling aft this thread :o:o:o:o:o

I am married to a secateurfucker :o The secateurs are now in a very good hiding place. He does know better than to be any sort of cooking fucker though. That would lead at best to divorce and at worst to death.

[RandallPinkFloyd]

stbHx was a spoonyfucker and a cookerknobfucker.

He used to stir then turn down every fucking pan he walked past

I wouldn't mind but he was the absolute worst cook ever, I've shared his onion gravy recipe on here many times.

My biggest bugbear was when he boiled potatoes. He boiled them, I mean seriously boiled them. They would be furiously trying to escape the pan as it spat molted hot starchy goo all over the hob for about half an hour.

I don't like my food to be touching, I like each element to be separate then I can combine each mouthful as I see fit. He served everything up as a sort of food soup.

12 years with this man, 12 years

[Waspie]

Oh shit, this thread has made me realise that I'm an interfering spoonyfucker I just can't let DP cook on his own, even though I know he's very capable. Is there a 12 step program I can go on?

Surely admitting the addiction is the first step towards recovery?

[FromEsme]

I am a bit of an interfering cooking fucker as well, I'm afraid.

But my partner is a shite cook to be fair. 5 spice in a tomato sauce for pasta, anyone?

[GreenyEyes]

I'm married to a cheffytosser.

I'm frying scallops in a pan ('pan-frying' if you will), timing them carefully on each side.

In comes jackass, grabs the panhandle and tosses the whole lot a la Ainsley feckin Harriott

[DontmindifIdo]

OP - your mistake was to serve it once he'd clearly ruined it. You should have said, "Oh god, you've ruined it! I'll have to throw it out." put it in the bin in front of him and loudly said "Kids, Dad's ruined dinner so he's going getting a takeaway, what do you want?" then sit down refuse to cook anything else. Evenutally, he'll learn.

[BrianButterfield]

I have an ExactInstructionsfucker. If it says 12 minutes on the packet, 12 minutes it gets, whether it's still frozen or cremated. And is another one who is OUTRAGED if it's not right.

Also follows recipes to the letter. Is always shouting things from the kitchen like "is this a quarter of a teaspoon?" and "OH NO WE DON'T HAVE ANY CUMIN!!!!" (me - "well leave the cumin out then").

[TobyLerone]

YY ExactRecipeFollowingFucker. Definitely have one of those.

[HoneyDragon]

Aaaah yes the expectation that you can pick a recipie and the kitchen has what you need in the cupboards of magicness. That would be my Dad again.

"What do you mean we don't have any fresh cream in the fridge? Why do we not have any vestal virgin hair plucked at midnight by a purple monkey? I need it! I am half way through cooking!"

[FobblyWoof]

Oh, people should not mess with other people's cooking, YADNBU

[BrianButterfield]

Also a SticklerForSellByDatesFucker. And not in an "oh this milk is a week out of date" way but in a "OMG THIS DRIED GINGER SAYS BEST BEFORE OCTOBER 2012 I CAN'T USE THIS!" way. Just use the fucking ginger. Who even looks at the dates on stuff like that?

[HoneyDragon]

ooooh yes. Spoonfucker-Dh never looks at the date on milk. But always OBEYS the dates on fruit and vegetables. I have to throw all packaging out immediately or anything purchased on a Friday will be binned on Sunday, even though it's fine and was purchased to use on Tuesday.

[whois]

YANBU

Leave the bastard!

[Longdistance]

My dh is banned from my the kitchen.

Fucking up food runs in his family. He has the girls whilst I cook, or I think he'd get a wooden spoon inserted up his bottom too!

[YellowDinosaur]

Sniggering at cheffytosser :o Doesn't that make you an exactinstructionsfucker though greenyeyes? :o

[HoneyDragon]

I'm obsessing a bit over how one discovers fish sauce goes with papaya here. I need to know.

[Egusta]

Once in the early days of our relationship, I tried to impress DH by doing the cheffytoss.

Ended up with spagetti carbonara down my front.