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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone else buying your daughter her first bra!!!

98 replies

bamboozled · 17/11/2012 17:36

Am I over thinking this (I think not but...) to be incandescent with rage that my ex husbands girlfriend bought my daughter her first bra...
She went for a mid week overnight visit, as usual in her crop top - aged 11, nearly 12 and came home in her first bra that the girlfriend saw fit to buy her without any discussion with me or my daughter... She didn't even mention it to her, just took away her crop top that night and left a bra on her school uniform for her to wear the next day... I am so hurt - there are some things you only do with your mother - surely

OP posts:
Trills · 17/11/2012 17:55

Someone else buying it for her - not important at all.

Hiding her clothes and having a bra appear out of nowhere - weird.

StuntGirl · 17/11/2012 17:57

Why the bollocks would she make her wear an ill fitting pink bra when she knew she had to wear it underneath her school uniform?

Actually scatch that, just whyyyy to all of it Confused

What has your ex husband said about it?

lunar1 · 17/11/2012 17:57

I would be really cross about this. I find the manner she did it in very odd. How would she like it if you crept in during the night and replaced all her things?

It's not even about it being a bra, it's disrespectful. How can your dd trust them next time she goes there? She has no privacy and her belongings get thrown awayAngry

Original poster
bamboozled · 17/11/2012 17:57

No, didn't ask - and yes pink is bonkers!

OP posts:
ElectricMonk · 17/11/2012 17:59

Does your daughter have a mobile she can phone/text you on if she feels like she's being pushed into a corner like this again? If so, it probably is worth reminding her that even small things are worth contacting you about if she's uncomfortable. I wouldn't say anything directly to your exh's girlfriend about the bra, but send him a text before the next visit saying something like: "Please tell X thank you for giving DD that bra, it was kind of her to think of it. DD has told me she finds crop tops far more comfortable at the moment so she will be staying in those for now. I'll take her to get fitted at John Lewis when she decides she'd like to move on to a training bra, it's very important that it fits perfectly while she's still growing so I want to take her to a really good shop for her first one."

Original poster
bamboozled · 17/11/2012 18:01

She doesn't like to use her mobile there as her father and gf feel that it is their time with her and get upset about it - v childish...

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 17/11/2012 18:03

Your daughter sounds more mature than them!

ElectricMonk · 17/11/2012 18:05

Your poor DD, that must feel horrible... :( Maybe encourage her to take the phone to the loo and text you if something does come up that makes her uncomfortable, otherwise she's vulnerable to being pushed into all sorts of "choices" (haircuts, ear piercings, type of sanitary protection etc) because she's embarrassed and doesn't know whether it's worth making waves about.

GreenyEyes · 17/11/2012 18:07

Taking the crop top away was weird. And wrong.

lunar1 · 17/11/2012 18:10

They sound controlling, is your dd happy going there?

PurplePidjin · 17/11/2012 18:11

I think I'd be tempted to bag the bra and return it with a neatly passive aggressive "I think this must belong to X, it got mixed up with dd's clothes by accident"

Stealing her clothes is outrageous Angry

MrsCantSayAnything · 17/11/2012 18:12

Yanbu but keep in in perspective. My Mother sent me on MY OWN to buy my first bra aged 13. I was falling apart with the shame of it! Bless my Mum...she's lovely but back then she was somewhat distant and busy and I think she feels very guilty about some things in my childhood now.

I would say to DD that you want to take her shopping as now she's got a new bra you've been looking forward to helping her choose some.

StateofConfusion · 17/11/2012 18:13

My dd is only 4 and I get where your coming from op, even more so that your dd was made to feel awkward, I was most unimpressed by 'proper' bras originally and it was a big deal moving on as such for me, definatly something to be dealt with by Mum/sister/grandma whom there is a close comfortable relationship with.

Also, what on earth is the do up twist round thing? I put mine on and do it up at the back..

Remotecontrolduck · 17/11/2012 18:13

Wow, that is weird. Giving her a bra I could maybe understand, but actually TAKING the crop top?! Completely wrong and bizarre.

I think you need to talk to her, and give her the option of not going if it's making her feel uncomfortable. Or someone needs to give the girlfriend a serious talking to about boundaries and respect.

CreamOfTomatoSoup · 17/11/2012 18:15

I got my first bra as an xmas present. I had to open it in front of my Mum, Dad and older brother. Blush

Whodyanickabollockoff · 17/11/2012 18:18

You can post it back to her and tell her that her hospitality doesn't need to stretch that far.

Original poster
bamboozled · 17/11/2012 18:19

Cream.. That would be embarrassing!!
V controlling in a passive aggressive fashion..
I could send it back with some big granny knickers and pretend they came from there too.. :-)

OP posts:
Whodyanickabollockoff · 17/11/2012 18:21

I think aswell as sending the bra back send the girlfriend some really big pair of pants like bloomer style and say they might suit her or something like that hth

Original poster
bamboozled · 17/11/2012 18:22

I did send my knickers by mistake once, when the girls were little - they were at the bottom of a bag I had packed for them for the weekend with hats and scarves etc - that was a little awkward..

OP posts:
Merrin · 17/11/2012 18:37

At least you still get to do the first trip to be properly measured followed by tea at Woolworths John Lewis :)

fuzzpig · 17/11/2012 18:45

I started thinking DSD needed a bra when she was about 10 but there is NO WAY I would've done this to her! I'm not her mother - I adore my DSCs of course but I would not step on their mother's toes like that. I know she is a lot less comfortable/open about puberty and things than I am but they are her children and it is her choice. My DSDs know they can chat to me about all that stuff if they want to, as they might to a big sister/aunt etc, but I would feel wrong taking away something that is a 'mother daughter thing'.

Taking her crop top away is horrible. It doesn't sound like an attempt at bonding TBH!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 17/11/2012 18:47

Ahhh well if it doesn't even fit (because the silly woman didn't think to take the person "needing" the bra with her to try them on!) Just bin/forget about it and continue on letting your DD wear crop tops until the day you both decide to go bra shopping for DD.

FWIW I dont know hoe I'd feel if someone else got my DD her first bra (she's only little so not at that stage yet!) but if my stepmum had done so I'd have been very unimpressed.

Original poster
bamboozled · 17/11/2012 18:48

Aww fuzzoig - please can I have you as his girlfriend instead...
Purplepidjin- heehee
Thank you - all making me feel less -outraged-of-sussex!

OP posts:
Terrywoganstrousers · 17/11/2012 18:50

How do you know it wasn't your XH if nothing was mentioned? Just wondering why all the assumptions it must be the GF?

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