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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cracking up over this?

76 replies

DaughterAndSon · 16/11/2012 22:49

I live in a semi detached house and my neighbour is so nosy and judgemental, it is making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. Sad

Neighbour has a number of friends, and I share some mutual friends with the neighbour. I am not friends with the neighbour whatsoever!!
Neighbour is so nosy, it is making my life a misery. She is practically obsessed with knowing everything about me, to the point that I cannot think of anything else when I am in my house.
I used to be friendly with my neighbour, until slowly over time, she admitted more and more strange things, like pressing a glass against the wall to listen to what is going on in my house, telling me what tv programme she thought I was watching the evening before and reciting times my friends arrived and left my house and then quizzing me on what we spoke about.
My neighbour will laugh about this and thinks it is all harmless, but I feel like I am being bloody stalked.
I have not spoken to my neighbour for a number of months now, so you'd be forgiven for thinking that the problem was resolved, but I have had the police at my door for apparent DV even though I am single (because my neighbour heard a disturbance apparently), mutual friends have contacted me asking me if I am sleeping with X, and asking if I am ok and do I have a new boyfriend because a particular car was seen outside my house at 8.15pm and didn't leave until 11.35 pm.
I have one mutual friend who has shown me texts the neighbour is sending her asking about me and what I am up to.
I have begun seeing someone, but was keeping it to myself for the time being tbh, yet now my neighbour has broadcast that too.
Occasionally I have ended up trying to explain to my neighbour how annoying it is to be constantly observed and judged by her, only for her to tell me that she does observe and judge me, and she does tell people what I am doing, or what she assumes I am doing, and laughs at me for being bothered.

She can tell me what I wore last wednesday, what time I brought my washing in last saturday and what time I went to bed last night FFS and it is really beginning to get me down. The way she laughs at me for being bothered and says she will continue regardless anyway. Angry

I actually despise my neighbour now for making me feel I have to hide in my own house. I feel uncomfortable going into my garden alone because I can almost feel her and her partner staring at me.

I'm beginning to think my house is bloody tapped from the way she finds out virtually everything and am considering cutting ties with all our mutual friends, even though I have known some of them for a number of years. FWIW mutual friends think I am exaggerating and can't believe we are talking about the same person. They think she is all sweetness and fluffiness.

AIBU to be going crazy? AIBU to cut off all of our mutual friends? This has been going on for a few years now and I don't think I can take much more, yet to my neighbour, it is all a sadistic form of entertainment and yet mutual friends say that although my neighbour is a judgemental person who looks down her nose at other people, she is not a horrible person, which means it must be me.
WWYD if this was your neighbour?

OP posts:
shezzle · 16/11/2012 22:51

Move, quickly.

HavingALittleFaithBaby · 16/11/2012 22:52

Seriously? This sounds like harassment and technically she is wasting police time! If she won't back off from you talking to her, I would consider talking to the police on a non-emergency line to see if they coudk visit her to get her to leave you alone!

LimeLeafLizard · 16/11/2012 22:53

WWID? Move house asap!

YANBU, this is very strange behaviour and I don't blame you for feeling upset. Hope someone comes soon with some practical suggestions.

mrscumberbatch · 16/11/2012 22:53

YANBU she sounds utterly mental. I'd say to all of your friends in common to pass on a message that you are feeling harrassed by her and if she doesn't cease I'd report her to the police.

If your mutual friends think you're exaggerating they can eff off.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 16/11/2012 22:54

Have you thought of having a quiet word with the local police non-emergency? This sounds like stalking and I can imagine it feels awful.

Original poster
DaughterAndSon · 16/11/2012 22:54

I would love to move, but I have rent arrears, from when I was in a financially abusive relationship, which my neighbour then broadcast to everyone how much money I owed to various people, and that apparently my relationship broke down because my xp left me in £1463945216611 of debt, which wasn't true anyway. There were lots of reasons, the debt was only one.

OP posts:
mrscumberbatch · 16/11/2012 22:55

Speak to the police. Why should you have to move because of her?

MakeItALarge · 16/11/2012 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larks35 · 16/11/2012 22:56

Its a form of harrassment surely. Maybe speak to someone at your local police station to see if it falls into a particular crime they can intervene with. Sounds awful OP, poor you.

Alambil · 16/11/2012 22:57

I'd ring 101 and ask them if it's considered stalking. It sounds utterly freaky and quite scary!

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 16/11/2012 22:57

I would:

  • attend a police surgery
  • ditch the mutual friends who say it's you
  • instruct a solicitor to write a very strongly worded letter
  • move.
larks35 · 16/11/2012 22:59

It is a bit stalker-like isn't it. Maybe approach police with that idea.

Original poster
DaughterAndSon · 16/11/2012 23:02

I have spoken to the police about it, but because we are now no longer on speaking terms, it is our mutual friends who the neighbour is quizzing about me instead, and they don't want to present evidence to the police, because they don't think it is serious and don't want to fall out with my neighbour over something they perceive as petty. Mutual friends advice is to ignore neighbour.
It has now left me feeling uncomfortable about turning a radio on, having people in my house with the windows open, chatting in the garden, yet people think I am being OTT and too sensitive. My neighbour asks mutual friends about me but feigns concern. She doesn't tell mutual friends that she listens in to what I am doing with a glass. Maybe she knows it is not normal to do this, she has only told me this and as the police said, without evidence (preferably a video of her admitting these things) there's very little they can do, although they are prepared to go and speak to her if I think it will ease things between us.
I don't.
She has been abusive and threatening to me and I am intimidated by her, and the last time I spoke to her, she began doing DIY until 10pm every night for a week after I last spoke to her, even though she knows I have very young DC. Sad

OP posts:
mrscumberbatch · 16/11/2012 23:05

I'd do the diary thing. Keep note of all the times/dates that she harrasses you/does unreasonable things and pass it to police. They can't ignore that and your 'friends' have nothing to do with the whole equation.

In the meantime I'd get on with living your life and enjoy being in your own private space. If she trys to impede on that, the law is on your side.

larks35 · 16/11/2012 23:06

I think you should take up the police offer to speak to her. I mean that is all they can do at this point and it may shake her up a bit and stop the behaviour, or it may make her more weird/reckless, which you can report back to them.

The only other option is to move really.

Bogeyface · 16/11/2012 23:08

Have you tried going to the other extreme?

Have loud parties, have noisy sex, have a blistering and violent sounding row, but all while in the house on your own. This may mean you have to record some stuff of the TV , but do really outrageous things that end with her calling the police. When the police arrive it is clear that you are on your own and not causing or in any trouble.

She will soon get a warning from the police for wasting their time and you will have evidence of harrassment.

MakeItALarge · 16/11/2012 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WheelieBinRebel · 16/11/2012 23:13

Yes definately keep a diary, put down EVERYTHING, even silly trivial things. If she starts her behaviour whilst you are in the garden then film it. Keep contacting the police. Eventually if she is as bizarre as you describe you will have enough evidence to apply for a restraining order. She needs to know that what seems like trivial behaviour to her is distressing to you.

AmberLeaf · 16/11/2012 23:15

Your mutual friends sound a bit shit stirry TBH.

If someone was doing this to a friend of mine, I would A. put them in their place ie say 'shut the fuck up and B. not keep running back to said friend with a report each time.

I think I'd ignore the lot of them TBH.

Original poster
DaughterAndSon · 16/11/2012 23:15

I think I will have to move when I have cleared the rent arrears. Sad

She has only ever admitted to me (lots of times) and one other friend of mine (not a friend of hers IYSWIM) the lengths she goes to, so now I know she is listening to me and judging me all of the time. She has never admitted it in front of mutual friends or to anyone else, and probably wouldn't admit it to anyone else. She just makes out she is concerned.
This makes it difficult to prove since it is her word against mine.

There was only one time her nosiness has ever been mentioned in front of other people, and that was when her then younger DC were telling their friends (in front of nosy neighbour) that they couldn't go on their computers sometimes, because their mum (nosy neighbour) didn't allow them to turn the light on.
When friend asked why not, the DC said it was because their mum didn't want people outside to see her looking out of the window at what they were doing, and she was sometimes at the window for hours.
Of course, nosy neighbour hotly denied this and tried to laugh it off.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 16/11/2012 23:16

Tbh, she sounds like she may have MH problems, especially if when confronted she genuinely doesnt see the problem. Most really nosey people are embarrassed when pulled up on it, but her pride in what she is doing is ringing bells for me.

WheelieBinRebel · 16/11/2012 23:16

Does she own her own home or is she renting too?

Bogeyface · 16/11/2012 23:17

oooh I see what you are saying Wheelie

Good point, if you are both in social housing then it might be worth having a word with your housing officer.

Sorry to nick your point if thats what it was!

Original poster
DaughterAndSon · 16/11/2012 23:18

Bogey I wish I had the guts which is probably more than half of the problem .

OP posts:
WheelieBinRebel · 16/11/2012 23:19

Yes that's what I was thinking Bogey