To not want the world and his wife at DD's 1st birthday party?

[SneakyNuts]

DD is 1 next month and we have hired a small hall with pre-school inflatable thing for her and other toddler friends to play on. The hall is pretty tiny, with enough space left for a table of food.

DP wants to invite his Nan, cousins, aunties, uncles etc which I think is unnecessary for a 1st birthday (I am inviting Mum, DD's two aunties and a couple of friends with babies).

I've told him I think it's too much for him to invite all of his family, that DD wont notice and will just want to play. Also that perhaps we could invite those people to our new home another day for a bit of cake etc although we will be seeing them a few days later for Christmas anyway.

DP thinks IABU and I must 'hate his family' to not want them all crammed into the hall like sardines.
I've avoided mentioning it since because of the argument that will most certainly follow..

It sounds cultural to me

He's been brought up in a close family and they're all very close and inclusive from what you've said.

Therefore it's cultural for them to invite cousins etc to family birthdays.

We did! He initially agreed that only a certain amount of adults need to be there, and is now umming and aahing.

Worra
He doesn't speak to/see his extended family, he wants to invite them so his parents don't feel offended.

God sake it's not that difficult.

Ditch any family for the nonsense event in the hall. Keep it to 'friends'.

On day of birthday operate an open house for all family who want to see birthday child.

Well if you're having the same trouble with your wedding, then you should have had an inkling this would happen, shouldn't've you?

"To clarify, the hall and inflatable are booked, money is down and can't afford to lose it."

Shit, yes I should have. I should have told DP who wanted this particular hall, activity centre etc that we shouldn't do it because he'll want to fill the hall full of adults who don't speak to him, DD or I.

With all this extra information. Yanbu. HE is.

OP, I have noted that this isn't sultural, but I have to address izzy's point, sorry! Izzy, why is it not acceptable for the OP to force her cultural / family values onto her DH, but it's ok for him to force his on her?

OP, I would just work out a number of how many people you can comfortably invite, both financially and logistically. Knock off any mutual friends you both agree on, then split the rest 50/50. If DH wants to invite his mum's 2nd cousins, fine, but if he runs out of his quota, tough!

My DMIL (who I love!) did something similar for our wedding, wanted to invite neighbours, and their friends, who DH and I had never met, when we didn't have room to invite close family friends that we'd grown up with. Also didn't believe me when I said we couldn't invite them all due to fire regs! Caused a bit of tension at the time, as you can imagine.

*cultural, no idea what sultural means!

Has he suddenly decided to invite his extended family out of a sense of duty, rather than the fact he actually wants them there? He shouldn't be doing it to please his parents, his daughter's birthday and your money you're spending, not theirs!

Mango Thanks. I think that's what we'll do. You've put it much better than me, I'm not meaning to drip feed, I just keep remembering relevant information, I forget what AIBU can be like.

I do love his family and have no issue with them coming along! DP just feels that he should tick every box just in case he offends anyone, this is why I've tried to arrange a second day where anyone who wants to see DD, can.

op that's massive drip feeding - if you dont even know them that's different

mango - I'm not imposing my family values on DH Over his own- he doesn't have a family except for his mother (sadly). therefore anything based on no of adults would automatically exclude for me but not him.

I wouldnt have married anyone who took issue with my family - as it is he loves them as they have welcomed him and he is part of te family too.

How is it different if I don't know the personally? I haven't been taken into consideration at all so far.

*them

Sorry Izzy, I probably wasn't clear. I was refering to when you said;

"Its clearly cultural, and if thats the way his family is, then you are being absolutely unfair to try to put your cultural Values onto his family, you should love them the way they are."

I meant, if you were sure it was cultural, why would it be unfair for the OP to impose her values, but it be ok for her DH to impose his?

My DH's family works very differently from mine, I don't take issue with any of the differences, bar one! But that doesn't mean that I have to fit in perfectly with how his family does everything, nor he with mine. We usually compromise.

sneaky because him wanting to invite close friends/family (as it sounded until that point) is reasonable, him wanting to invite people he barely knows To keep parents happy is a different kettle of fish

I think your question was pefectly clear OP, but maybe asking for advice rather than AIBU woudl have got you further!

Say to him you're just worried about the space and wouldlove to see his family and also that you're worried DD will be overwhelmed. Discuss with DH (to be) how many the hall will take. Subtract the people you want to invite as this appears to be less and also includes children DD knows. Give him the rest of the allocation- tell him to ring people he doesn;t invite and say they'reinvited on such a date to celebrate at your house, as it will be easier to catch up than with loads of people about....then they may not feel offended?

But as I said before, everyone in his family seems to have equal standing in that sense, i.e can't invite one without inviting the other. So his Mum+Dad+Brother= Mum's brothers, sisters, cousins, Dad's brother's, sisters, cousins. Grandparents= their brothers, sisters, nieces/nephews and brother and sisters grandchildren.

He just can't say no.

I think so too, RawShark!

I think that's a good idea, thank you

First birthdays are about the adults not the baby IME. It's more of a celebration that you've all survived the first year with your sanity hopefully at least vaguely intact!

At 1, they're too young to really understand or care about the birthday bit.

"Obviously everyone will want a cuddle and it just makes me wonder if she'll actually have time to play?" Why does it matter if she gets to play or not - as long as she's happy?

I think it will look like you're excluding his family if you invite yours. If the hall is too small then I would hold it somewhere you can invite both sides. It's absolutely not fair to leave them out.

We had DS's first birthday in a (very nice) pub!

Ooh, I didn't realise how many it was!

You need some kind of compromise. Leaving them all out isn't going to work - unless your family don't come either. Hmm, difficult!

Reckon DP is going to have to learn to say no to some of them!

"Why does it matter if she gets to play or not - as long as she's happy?"
She's not a particularly cuddly child, they seem intent on holding her anyway, she will want to play.

I'm not just inviting my family?!

Sorry, X-posted!

Yes, he's not particularly good at that!