Probably am, please come make a ruling.

[AlicatDXB]

ok here goes -DH is a SAHD and I work 80+ hours a week in a very stressful job, and am also up for a significant promotion/new role following some also stressful changes at work. I'm known as a problem solver at work so get lots of last minute challenges that seem to equate to " oh crap, we screwed up never mind she'll fix it for us" kind of situation. Lots of responsibility not much thanks.

DH and I have 3 fabulous kids and live overseas so no real family support and transient friends in that expat way. I adore him, have for over 15 yrs, no desire at all not to be with him.

However...

The way I see it, and I'm sure he sees it differently, is that DH has a pretty easy life. Once he drops kids at school he has all day to himself. I get back around 6, do bath/tea/bed and also generally clear up the mess/load or unload the dishwasher, hang up the washing I'll have put on in the morning etc. He cooks maybe 3 nights a week and I'll do the rest and then clear up afterwards before joining him watching TV or reading.

At the weekends I'll clean and have the kids around me, painting etc, he'll be around but usually with his head in a book or crossword or he'll be off doing one of his hobbies for 3-4 hours while I'm being mum. I'll cook. I'll clean up. I do all the night wakings (which isn't that unfair as I am pretty insomniac and can handle that better). We're potty training the youngest so I'll spend half the weekend wiping unpleasantries from soft furnishings etc.

Last night he asked me why I'm grumpy and whether I feel I should put more effort into the relationship. We have a pretty (ahem) active relationship as is, so I think its more of an "I want attention" than anything else.

so here's my question - what about me? when does he do something for me? I'm not thinking roses and unicorns, although that would be nice, I just want to know when, for once in my exhausted, worn out, defeated life, someone is going to do something for me?

Ruling please - AIBU?

He's home all day but you clean on the weekends?

Tell him he needs to start pulling his weight when he's home, that he does indeed have an easy life and if anyone needs to work on the relationship, it's him.

Just because you have a vagina does not mean you have to be the one doing all the housework.

He shops for the groceries, does the internet banking, um... meets up with friends...

80+ hours is fairly standard for me sadly. Should have been a zookeeper, can't take tigers home with you after all.

What does he do during the day?

Then he has plenty of time to do the cleaning. Tell him that his free ride is over.

He's taking the piss.

If the kids are at school then he should be doing the housework. My DH did nothing in the house when he was working hours like you. No cleaning, no laundry and no cooking.

actually I'm being unfair - he does have hobbies, and he's syupervising a building project we're doing elsewhere in the world (remotely). so he's not idle and that is the way its been for years. Its not so much what he doesn't do as that he doesn't seem to realise how much I do and how little of me there is left to go around after it all.

god I am a moaning minnie today

sorry x post.

The whole point of one being at home is to firstly look after the kids, however the kids are out all day. So if this were me and dh the working one would expect the other to be doing jobs like cleaning etc so weekends can be spent together as a family. Not cooking and cleaning.

I think he is being selfish. Its not fair that he gets all that time to himself and you get none.

So you don't feel appreciated?

Have you told him?

If this was a reverse OP - you'd all be screaming that 'being a SAHM is a job' and the DH should pull his finger out and be doing 50% of everything including working 80 hrs a week.

The irony of MN.

I don't understand. How can you be working 80 hours a week but be home by 6 and be around at weekends?

How old are the kids? If the youngest is being potty trained then surely that child is not at school. Where is that child during the day?

Ophelia I do think the OP should help, but her husband sounds like he's doing nothing!

If I heard of a SAHP doing nothing, any gender, I'd give the same answer.

The standard answer to SAHP threads is do you have equal amounts of leisure time (not at work, doing housework or caring for dc) seems not to me.

actually Ophelia that's exactly how I do feel. I don't think its fair that the SAHP has to do everything which is why i probably over compensate.

So yes I do need to reboot his cleaning (or face facts and find a cleaner).

I don't feel unappreciated - I know he loves me - but I do feel.. neglected? does that sound pathetic? I guess its because I always cope, I always get things done and lately I really felt the need for someone to notice that maybe I could also use support.

Can't you get a cleaner? If he's managing a building project then it's more of a working from home situation isn't it?

Ophelia beat me to it!

you'd all be screaming that 'being a SAHM is a job' and the DH should pull his finger out and be doing 50% of everything including working 80 hrs a week.

No I wouldn't. I would give the same answer. I actually contemplated that it maybe a reverse but I would give the same advice if the sahm didn't have the kids during the day and yet did very little around the house.

Being sahp is a job. But in this case the children are not there most of the seat.

are any of the children home during the day?

Nope - youngest is at nursery most of day.

I work 80+ because I arrange my time so I get home, do bedtime etc, then back online after a couple of hours with DH. Plus working most w/es pre kids waking up/after bedtime.

Yy sppp. If you are working 9 to 5.30 every day in the week, that's only 40 ish hours. How can you be doing double that, yet home at weekends and by 6?

Back to the original question - my DH is also SAHP and I get annoyed by lack of housework. But we have a 2 year old, so not much time alone for him to do anything (still, I can manage to cook clean with DS there - that's probably deviating from the question though). As your DCs are at school, you should have a very clean house, with all washing and cooking done. You should also take turns at the weekend to have a lie in and also have a few hours of 'me time' each. 50/ 50 cookng and cleaning at the weekend as needed (but majority should already be done by DH in the week!).

Anyway thanks all for replies. I just wanted a sanity check as to my level of unreasonability and this has helped.

Most of the day

When my DH was a SAHD (and we lived abroad) he did all the housework that accumulated during the week. In his opinion that was his job. When we got to the weekends we had lots of free time which we enjoyed together.

Despite having three DCs my DH found plenty of time during the day to enjoy his hobbies as well as do DIY jobs. In his opinion he had a very easy life.

Basically your DH is slacking if there is a lot of cleaning/housework which has built up during the week.

Ah god love MN. Yes I would totally bother to boost my working hours for this. 40 hour weeks are long gone in this industry and this country.