Probably am, please come make a ruling.

[AlicatDXB]

ok here goes -DH is a SAHD and I work 80+ hours a week in a very stressful job, and am also up for a significant promotion/new role following some also stressful changes at work. I'm known as a problem solver at work so get lots of last minute challenges that seem to equate to " oh crap, we screwed up never mind she'll fix it for us" kind of situation. Lots of responsibility not much thanks.

DH and I have 3 fabulous kids and live overseas so no real family support and transient friends in that expat way. I adore him, have for over 15 yrs, no desire at all not to be with him.

However...

The way I see it, and I'm sure he sees it differently, is that DH has a pretty easy life. Once he drops kids at school he has all day to himself. I get back around 6, do bath/tea/bed and also generally clear up the mess/load or unload the dishwasher, hang up the washing I'll have put on in the morning etc. He cooks maybe 3 nights a week and I'll do the rest and then clear up afterwards before joining him watching TV or reading.

At the weekends I'll clean and have the kids around me, painting etc, he'll be around but usually with his head in a book or crossword or he'll be off doing one of his hobbies for 3-4 hours while I'm being mum. I'll cook. I'll clean up. I do all the night wakings (which isn't that unfair as I am pretty insomniac and can handle that better). We're potty training the youngest so I'll spend half the weekend wiping unpleasantries from soft furnishings etc.

Last night he asked me why I'm grumpy and whether I feel I should put more effort into the relationship. We have a pretty (ahem) active relationship as is, so I think its more of an "I want attention" than anything else.

so here's my question - what about me? when does he do something for me? I'm not thinking roses and unicorns, although that would be nice, I just want to know when, for once in my exhausted, worn out, defeated life, someone is going to do something for me?

Ruling please - AIBU?

I didn't mean to sound too bollocking, btw. With that job, three kids and living overseas, I tip my hat to you. But I don't envy your husband either, to be honest. For a 'normal' person, your way of living sets the bar very high and I don't find it in me to blame anyone who doesn't quite want to live up to it...I wouldn't want to, either.

I missed the fact that you are living overseas. I spent a year living in Singapore, and met a lot of ex-pat wives. An awful lot of them were utterly miserable: their husbands had contracts that kept them very busy, they had followed, and many of them were bored witless, frustrated, isolated, lonely and depressed... There was a lot of drinking gin straight after breakfast... I wonder whether your husband is feeling some of those things? Plus perhaps a sense of inadequacy, if Dubai society thinks less of a man who stays at home with his children...? It doesn't do anyone good to feel a bit useless...

I'm a sahm with a school aged ds and a toddler dd. Dp works 40hrs a week. Seeing as i am home all day I. have plenty of time tk clean, do washing and ironing, shopping etc amongst fun activities with the dc. I cook most nights and we probably are equal with bathing and getting up in the night. You work ridiculously long hours while your dh essentially relaxes at home. Why can't he get the cleaning and washing done during the day at the very least?

Get a cleaner. His job to make sure cleaner does a good job.

Can't believe you do so much parenting in evenings & night time. I am SAHP and I do virtually all the night time parenting.

He's being massively unfair! When DH was working and I was a SAHM he worked 35 hours a week, in an unstressful job and I did absolutely everything at home.

Presume from what you say about weekends and from your username you are in Dubai. Why on earth don't you have regular domestic help for all that washing and cleaning? You could even get someone in to cook for you. It is cheap as chips out there. You sound like a total martyr to me.

I agree with Hecate

And I do not think it is at all fair that you are doing all the night wakings

No wonder you feel tired and resentful

I was a SAHM for 10 years, to school age children for several of those, so no axe to grind here.

It is worth thinking about depression. The solution to depression sometimes includes structured activity, though.

I would hire a cleaner too, but that's not the whole answer

Good point about those long hours too.

Just a quick Q, generally you are not being unreasonable but...

...did your husband want to go overseas, did he want to be a 'house-husband' or does he have a desire to do something different with his life?

If being there is all for you, there might be a good reason for some dissatisfaction.

Ask yourself what contribution you both bring to the household both financial and practical if possible get him to help with assessing this.

Do it as a trusty list one for you and one for him.if needed do diary sheets.

Work out how much down time you both have and how things are divided.

And if your children are in full time school and nursery he is not a sahd.and he is not enabling you to financially support your family like a sahp does.

I think you need to work out how much free time you both have each week and try to make it equal. Include lunch breaks.

Next list all the house/kid jobs you both do and divide them up properly, with him taking on the lions share of house work and then writing his own weekday timetable.

He could do almost all the jobs (cooking, ironing, washing, cleaning etc) in the weekday day time slot. There should be no need for you to clean at weekends really. Maybe you cold cook and do the night wakes at weekends but share everything else equally. While he cooks and does the night wakes mid week.

I strongly suggest you don't do anything for a week and let him see things build up around you.

Also talk to your husband and tell him just how sad you feel about it all.

midseasonsale If my DP chose to do a very time consuming job that was more than required for the families needs then that's her choice and some of that time comes from her free time. A workaholics partner doesn't need to take up the slack from them, indeed it just enables the workaholic behaviour.

are there two separate issues here? Time for yourself and his perception of your contribution to the relationship? Time for yourself is difficult - your job is your job and its not always easy to just "scale back". It doesn't seem unreasonable that your DP should do more during the working day and maybe split the weekends a bit more evenly. Where are your 3-4 hours for a hobby? Bottom line though is that you need to sit and work all this out, with him and a piece of paper to actually see how the week divides up.

The key point here is whether any of the children are actually at home during the day. Looking after a potty-training toddler is pretty full-on so I wouldn't expect much else to be done by DH apart from clearing the day's mess and dealing with potty related mess and washing.

If the children are out at school / nursery during the day then DH should be running the household - cleaning, admin , banking, washing etc during the time that they are out of the house.Night waking and weekend tasks should be split, it shouldn't all fall to you.

I think you need to work out how much free time you both have each week and try to make it equal. Include lunch breaks.

I don't think that works when one partner has an 80 hrs/week job. How could they have equal free time? Should he get an 80 hrs/week job, too? Is she working that many hours because he's nagging her for a bigger house and more holidays? I'm all for people investing in their careers and having ambitions (I love my job too), but Fred is right, if it's your choice to work that kind of hours than the onus is on you to reconcile it with the rest of your life, and there's a limit as to how much a partner can be expected to facilitate this.

I'm kind of interested to know which one of them wanted the three kids...