Probably am, please come make a ruling.

[AlicatDXB]

ok here goes -DH is a SAHD and I work 80+ hours a week in a very stressful job, and am also up for a significant promotion/new role following some also stressful changes at work. I'm known as a problem solver at work so get lots of last minute challenges that seem to equate to " oh crap, we screwed up never mind she'll fix it for us" kind of situation. Lots of responsibility not much thanks.

DH and I have 3 fabulous kids and live overseas so no real family support and transient friends in that expat way. I adore him, have for over 15 yrs, no desire at all not to be with him.

However...

The way I see it, and I'm sure he sees it differently, is that DH has a pretty easy life. Once he drops kids at school he has all day to himself. I get back around 6, do bath/tea/bed and also generally clear up the mess/load or unload the dishwasher, hang up the washing I'll have put on in the morning etc. He cooks maybe 3 nights a week and I'll do the rest and then clear up afterwards before joining him watching TV or reading.

At the weekends I'll clean and have the kids around me, painting etc, he'll be around but usually with his head in a book or crossword or he'll be off doing one of his hobbies for 3-4 hours while I'm being mum. I'll cook. I'll clean up. I do all the night wakings (which isn't that unfair as I am pretty insomniac and can handle that better). We're potty training the youngest so I'll spend half the weekend wiping unpleasantries from soft furnishings etc.

Last night he asked me why I'm grumpy and whether I feel I should put more effort into the relationship. We have a pretty (ahem) active relationship as is, so I think its more of an "I want attention" than anything else.

so here's my question - what about me? when does he do something for me? I'm not thinking roses and unicorns, although that would be nice, I just want to know when, for once in my exhausted, worn out, defeated life, someone is going to do something for me?

Ruling please - AIBU?

He should be doing much, much more of the domestic work (including cooking) Taking piss. And making comments about you being "grumpy" and inattentive when you're probably exhausted.

Would be different if tiny ones, but he has plenty of time in the day.

He should also share the night wakings.

actually Ophelia that's exactly how I do feel. I don't think its fair that the SAHP has to do everything which is why i probably over compensate.

There has to room for compromise. Its not one doing all the work or the other doing it all.

I don't think the problem is his work, I think it's yours.

I don't see the automatic answer as being 'he has to work as much as you' - why?

Sure, from your perspective given how hard you work he does have an easy life. But if you're him, he probably thinks he's busy enough. These are 2 incompatible points of view that could lead to resentment. It should be about both of you having a fulfilling life. It sounds like you're great at your job so you have good reason to continue.

If you want to continue in your job with those hours then outsource some of the crap neither of you want to do - cleaning, extra curricular activities, shopping (get it delivered), ironing etc

He is taking the piss.

My answer would be the same if it was the woman at home.

The kids are at school ffs.

If this was a reverse OP - you'd all be screaming that 'being a SAHM is a job' and the DH should pull his finger out and be doing 50% of everything including working 80 hrs a week

Er, no. Not when the children aren't around for the large part of the day because they are at school. That is completely different to having small children at home.

"If this was a reverse OP - you'd all be screaming that 'being a SAHM is a job' and the DH should pull his finger out and be doing 50% of everything including working 80 hrs a week."

I see that response mainly when there are pre-school children involved, to be fair.

I think that if you are a SAHP to school aged children you should be doing more around the house.

It is unfair for one person to work 80+ hours outside the home and do the cleaning at the weekend, for example. And putting the washing on before you go to work and pegging it out when you get home? WTF?

I believe in an equal working week. So if you're doing a full day out there, he should do one in the home.

That means cleaning during the week and not leaving it to you at the weekend.

What can't be done during the week should be split equally at the weekend.

But choosing to not do things during the week, when you have school aged children, and then leaving it to the other person at the weekend is taking the piss. Regardless of gender.

How much does he actually do? Since you work 80+ hours outside the home. Cook more than half the evening meals. Clean at the weekend. Do the washing. Tidy the day's mess in the evening...

What does he do, apart from the school run?

I really do think it is taking the piss. Anyone who did that would be taking the piss.

The person home during the day, child free, has no excuse not to do something as simple as sorting out the washing. And I would say the same regardless of the sex of the OP.

I'm a sahm i do all the cleaning. ( children at preschool a few hours a week) i wouldn't expect my DH to do any domestic stuff in the week. I think he should help with the dishwasher at weekend and the tidying up but that's light general stuff.
It might sound old fashioned but he works hard outside the house so i work hard in. If i worked i would have a cleaner!

You have made your own bed, talk to him, say its all to much! Its going to change.

YANBU to want a bit of time to relax and to pursue things other than work and kids. I'm not sure it's up to your DH though. When I moved abroad for my DH's job part of the deal was that just because my visa meant I couldn't get a paying job I wasn't going to be spending my life taking the helpmeet role. It just wasn't what I wanted from life.

So I think it depends a bit on whether the job you've taken was driven by your love of career, desire to move abroad, etc. Or a truely joint decision where he was enthusiastic about a role that cut down his career opportunities and consisted largely of a supporting role (and that he understood that would mean he wouldn't have much time for himself). Or if he pushed you into it even though you've been saying for years you want to pull back and be less full-on career wise.

If either of the last two I think you need to sit down with him and really hash out how unfair you're finding things and tell him what you need for the lifestyle you have to be sustainable and then decide together whether to keep it up with adjustments or really change the structure of your lives.

If the first you still need to carve out some time for yourself, but you're a bit more responsible for putting up with the downside. I wouldn't cut down the bed/bath bit because that's about you and your children. But I would consider asking for a morning or afternoon to yourself each weekend, much like it sounds he has. And it sounds like you might benefit from some time together without the children around that isn't, ahem, active.

How you can work 80+ hours and still be home by 6 and at home all weekend?

Not disputing that you work very hard and long hours but I can't see how that is possible!

... because I live close to the office, start at 7.30 and work from home online and on calls in the late evenings and because where I am has a different w/e to the west I get the added joy of 6 days of people wanting me not 5.

To posters questioning th OP's hours, it is quite possible to fit additional work in at home, online evenings and weekends.

OP I think the balance is unfair so YANBU, so you could solve it 2 ways, discuss with DH and get a more even split of chores/free time, or outsource as was mentioned up thread.

Good luck.

However you solve this problem, working 80 hours a week AND cooking AND doing housework AND waking for kids in the nights is not sustainable. You will get ill - physically and/or mentally.

Your DH does sound like he has it relatively easy, but he doesn't sound like he's actually slacking... Project managing the new build = one part-time job and kids = another part-time job. That might be enough. He's doing kids during the day (presumably to-ing and fro-ing for school runs and nursery runs, feeding them, etc.), plus 3 evenings so his weekday share sounds OK, though perhaps he needs to do more at the weekends, or more at during the week to 'get ahead', so you can have some leisure time too.

It's not that he doesn't do enough, it seems to me, but that you do too much! If you were a bloke out at work this long, I am pretty sure there would be people here telling you that you just don't realise how much there is to do at home, because you aren't around to see it, and you need to sort out your priorities...

For me, your situation screams 'work life balance very badly out of kilter'! If you love your job and don't want to cut down your hours, then you need to use a cleaner, cook, taxi companies, ironing and laundry services, and/or any other time-saving services you can find and can afford. At the moment, you must be stealing time not just from your leisure hours, but also from your sleep, and that just isn't good for you, or your family.

Personally, I'd be thinking about down-sizing... :)

I have very little respect for lazy SAHMs who don't pull their weight when the kids are all at school (maybe that says something about my attitudes to SAHing full stop) so I certainly wouldn't be saying that a working father who works 80 hrs pw should do housework at weekends when there was a partner at home all day. Bollocks to that.
OP - 80 hours per week is absurd. You will burn out. I don't know what sector you work in but how can you possibly have a life if you work that much? When do you see the kids?
If he is genuinely working during the day then hire a cleaner and someone to do your laundry etc. If he is 'working' a bit, relaxing a bit, and doing a bit of housework then that is not on. He needs to shape up and start working a bit harder. I would also say that if you worked 40 hours - but given that you work an insane amount you should basically be doing zero housework IMO.

Thanks for the explanation about your hours. That sounds really tough.

Surely it isn't a one rule fits all for sahp? If the children are out for a portion of the day, you have more time than if they aren't. You get alone time (precious) too! I reckon he should be helping you get to spend time with the kids when you can as a priority over housework or laundry. Maybe you could swap the cooking for the banking for example?

At the risk of sounding old fashioned, with a job as demanding as yours, he should be doing everything else so that you have free time together as a family. His hobbies etc should be done during the week when the DCs are at school and you are at work.

By way of comparison, my husband works similar hours to you and I have two children in school during the day, albeit. Work from home a few hours a day while kids are at school.

Husband does do the bedtime when he gets home and spends a lot of time with them a the weekends doing stuff together so similar there and he does this by choice to get wha time he ca with the children, difference is that my husband does virtually nothing around the house, and I don't expect him to, tote cause. Am a woman, but because I realise that those times he is home it is important to him and to the children that he is actually spending quality time with them so he might take them swimming while I potter at home doing houses stuff.

I don't know whether we have the balance right, but I do know that we both appreciate how hard the other ne works, which is the key to making this type f arrangement work imho

From your description of the role you're presumably not on the breadline, and there are other jobs you could do that do not require 80 hours of work a week, therefore you're choosing to do some of those hours. You may not get paid as much, you may have a different role etc. but unless DP is pressuring you to work that much it's just your choice to do so.

So if you had 30 hours more a week to yourself from not working - would you think the division of time more reasonable? Because to me you're choosing to spend that time working, would you give it up to get that better division - it sounds not?

My initial reaction is 'rod' and 'back.' Why are you coming home from work and even doing all the chore stuff (apart from bath and bedtime which isn't usually chores..)?

If my husband came home and did washing etc, I'd think 'bloody marvellous' and assume he did so because he really wanted to.

You really need to communicate directly and unequivocally with him, he's (probably!) not a mind reader.

I don´t go out to work.

Children are at school.

TBH I see my job as everything in the house-plus some gardening if I feel like it.

At the very least to keep on top of the washing/ironing/dusting/hoovering.

When my children were little and I was a SAHM, I did everything that was necessary to keep the home running because when dp was home, I wanted him to spend time with the children rather than do the hoovering. And I wanted the weekends to be fun family times, not spent quibbling over who dusted what.

It does sound as though he should be doing more to pull his weight. However, is there a chance that he is a little depressed? I think the social attitude to SAHDs is very different to SAHMs, and living abroad -especially somewhere like Dubai- he's away from his support networks with little chance to feel socially useful. Perhaps he is a little jealous of your success?

I'm another one who doesn't quite understand the maths behind your 80-hour weeks but I won't nitpick over it.

I do, however, agree with Laurie's assessment.

It's not your husband's fault that you work 80 hours a week, and that's 80 hours taken away from him and your family. I can kind of see where he's coming from with his 'do you think you could contribute more to the relationship' type grief. Of course it may not be possible for you to "downsize" your job, and it doesn't meant that HE cannot contribute more in other ways.

Outsourcing some of the chores is one idea. And yes, I think in some areas he could, and should, pull his weight more.

But I agree with Laurie that the fundamental problem is your job, and it's not something your husband or indeed anyone else can fix for you. If you want more time for yourself, or to recharge etc. that time will have to come from somewhere, and the obvious answer is that there aren't many places it can come from besides your job!