to feel jealous of sister-in-law's IVF success when I have my own dd's?

[pheobepp]

I have two dd's. Both were conceived quickly and although pregnancy was hard, all is now good. Second dd is 5 weeks. Since before I became pregnant with first dd, my sister and her husband have been trying to become pregnant. Their first three rounds of IVF conicided with my pregnancies. They failed. I have just heard that their fourth attempt has been successful and sister is pregnant.

What I can't understand is my reaction. When I heard the news, I felt jealous and sad, even though I know that they will make wonderful parents and I have two beautiful dd's myself. The topic of their infertility has dominated all conversations for the past couple of years. My own Mum especially has talked about their struggle constantly. My sister hi-jacks conversations, unintentially, that I have with my parents and the topic of conversation always comes back to her - "when I have a child I will..." I admire her positive outlook because it has been a hard and gruelling couple of years but I feel that my own wonderful children have been overlooked because the focus has been on the negatives of their problems, rather than the positives of my experience. My Mum, even when she came to see my second dd for the first time, could only talk about sister's current round of IVF and did not stay for a long time as had to take sister to a medical appointment.

I am ashamed of my resonse. It is childish and petulant but I can not help feeling resentful. I feel that my own wonderful children have been overlooked and that sister's baby will be the "golden child." My parents funded their fourth round of IVF while my husband and I are struggling with decreased wages and high child care costs. I know that if the roles had been reversed, my mum would have done the same for me but I am dreading the next nine months as all I will ever, ever hear are pregnancy tales about my sister. I have heard it for years when I am with my Mum by herself, when we are all together as a family, and the only time I get respite from it is when I speak to my Dad because he is a typical man and doesn't pay attention to anything concerned with reproduction!!

Do you think I could still be suffering from baby blues from second dd's birth that is making me extra sensitive? I can't bear the thought of my sister's high maintenance pregnancy, but know she is just ecstatic to be pregnant. I am so, so pleased for her but when I think about the imediate future I feel sad and then I feel mad at myself for not truly sharing in their joy.

[Prarieflower]

There is no hierarchy of feelings but simply a situation where a grown adult has 2 beautiful children who she should be grateful for.Said adult hasn't experienced the agony of IVF so has no right to be behaving like a spoilt brat over somebody getting more attention than her for a while-attention I'm sure they'd swap 2 healthy children for in a heartbeat.

Sister is only just pg and by no means out of the woods.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

One person's feelings do not invalidate another's, and I aim as a parent not to prioritise one DC over another.

I have 4 DC's, 3 with SN's. there are only so many hours in the day, should I prioritise one DC's therapies over another? Or should I share myself between them all the while making sure I spend enough time with the child that hasn't got diagnosed as yet SN's as he has emotional issues caused by family problems with his dad.

ALL their needs and feelings are equal, ALL their needs and feelings matter.

[nokidshere]

Nokids I was told the very same,repeatedly, had to sell my beautiful flat to fund treatment,had near death OHSS,had to give up my career,move to the other end of the country away from family and friends to get treatment.Don't you dare belittle anybody's infertility or agony-we packed a lot into our 7 years of hell.

I wouldn't dream of it prarie but thats the point isn't it? Your infertility is just as valid as mine. Your feelings are no less hurtful than mine just because I went through it for longer. I posted to prove a point - that you would be upset by someone else belittling your feelings. Infertility is horrible whether you have been trying for a month or a lifetime.

And someone having a new baby overlooked because another "long awaited" one is on the scene is just as entitled as you or I to feel upset.

[Prarieflower]

No op has no excuse to be having like this or can we all behave like spoilt little kids when somebody is getting attention and we simply don't like it?

[nokidshere]

She isn't behaving like a spoiled brat. She is simply voicing her unrest about how she is feeling.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

It's not a 'hardest life' competition. It's trying to patiently explain that the OP's thoughts and feelings ARE NO LESS VALUD THAN HER SISTER'S.

Infertility does not trump all, it is shit as shit can be, and even shitter, but so are a lot of other things in life.

One person's hurt doesn't belittle another person's hurt. Hurt is hurt.

[Prarieflower]

Actually Couthy all adults feelings don't always matter as errrrr many people can have pretty awful feelings and needs at times.

Sometimes there are people in a shit situation who deserve being a priority.

As healthy mature adults in these situations we should think of others.

[Shamentincturepincher]

Couthymow: How can anyone try to say that anyone else's FEELINGS are wrong?!

I bust two finger nails this morning. It hurt and I'd paid a lot for them. Are you suggesting then that my pain at this is the same as anyone else's pain about anything?!

Your posts inducate an empathy free zone. And it isn't the OP that's getting a pasting. It's you.

[Prarieflower]

Sometimes people can feel hurt for no good reason-this is one of them.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

Behaving like a spoilt brat would be to go and tell her sister how she is feeling. She hasn't.

She has those feelings. HAVING those feelings doesn't make her a spoilt brat. It makes her HUMAN.

VOICING those feelings to her sister would make her a spoilt brat, but I have not seen ANYWHERE that the OP even hinted that she will do this.

Your insistence that infertility is the only bad thing that people are allowed to have hurt feelings about is, frankly, tiresome now.

I'm leaving this thread.

[Prarieflower]

Why exactly does the op need empathy,she has 2 healthy children?

[nokidshere]

I think the OP has thought of others by posting her feelings on here and not voicing them out loud to her mum or her sister!

[Prarieflower]

Nope people can have feelings for many things and deserve sympathy-having ones nose put out of joint because one isn't going to be centre of attention for a while isn't one of them.

[Prarieflower]

Well then nokids op has answered her own question-yes she is being unreasonable.

[Iamsparklyknickers]

Ok, I clearly didn't grasp that point but the fact is the op isn't (as far as we know) behaving in any kind of way.

At the moment she's posted how she's feeling, not acting, how she is feeling can't be helped but it can be directed somewhere the impact won't be felt ie. her dh, and talking it over.

Pheobepp has quite clearly written that the fact she's feeling the way she is is making her feel worse, she knows it's not conventionally acceptable so imho doesn't need a pasting at all, she needs to put her thoughts in order, look at the context and try to move forward.

[bottleofbeer]

She's not being a spoiled brat. She's post partum, her hormones are all over the shop, life events she has a right to celebrate have had to be toned down to spare her sister's feelings but it doesn't seem to me anybody gives her feelings a second thought.

She's got as much right to shout her good news from the rooftops as her sister has to shout her despair from the rooftops. But out of respect for her sister's feelings she's not done that but is now sitting watching her sister's good new be celebrated in the way hers should have been. Her children are real, they're here now yet that was shunted aside in favour of a potential child. Could she not have had just that small amout of time for her child to be celebrated or is that too selfish?

[Prarieflower]

Iam I hope she does as sister could quite easily lose this pg and will need to start all over again.Op will feel dreadful or maybe not.

I think excusing op's quite childish feelings won't help her in the slightest.

[Happiestinwellybobs]

You cannot help your feelings; you can however hide them from your sister. Maybe you feel the way you do because you have recently had a child, or maybe not.

I tried for 10 years to conceive. In that time my sister had two children. Both times she told me she was pregnant, I told her how delighted I was, and cried and cried once she had gone. Only my DH and DM knew what I was going through. I was genuinely pleased for her, but it was heart-breaking. And finally after 10 years we have a beautiful DD. My parents dote on all three GC equally. It doesn't matter whether they were conceived as soon as my DSis came off the pill (she was obviously the fertile one :) ) or came as a result of adoption after years of failing to conceive, IVF etc.

So my advice really is to keep quiet, smile through it all and I'm sure the feelings will pass. Your parents sound lovely and I'm sure there won't be a favourite GC.

[Prarieflower]

Her children haven't been shunted aside grandma visited but also had feelings for sister who would have been at her lowest.Grandma split herself in two and should be commended for it not resented.As I said IVF touches many people.Op lost a couple of hours on one day,she'll have many more.

My mil didn't even visit the very day my dc were born(after nearly dying in the process of attempting to give her gc).To be honest I was in such agony it was not a big thing,she came a week later.

[diddl]

Well it sounds as if someone needs to tell your mum when to shut up tbh.

It must have been horrible for your sister & I hope that all goes well for her.

But I can´t imagine having to listen endlessly to my sister´s problems when I had managed to conceive and possibly be made to feel bad about it.

[Iamsparklyknickers]

Prairieflower, I'm very conscious of the fact the sister might not go to term, I get the impression the op would beat herself up with how she's feeling now if that happened.

I don't want to excuse her feelings, I want her to understand them and put them into context. I can't imagine not going all out if I manage to ever get pregnant and feel sorry that pheobepp has felt she had to keep quiet about been left on the sidelines to avoid upsetting her sister. It's a very small piece of common ground I think I can identify with.

On the other hand if anyone ever accused me of putting a dampner on their pregnancies/newborns because of my situation I think I'd tear them a new one, I haven't asked anyone for anything and have saved the heartache for behind closed doors - at least I think I have.......

It is so hard, but just like my dp gets my tears after another person yet again has their baby, I think op needs to seek support from her dh, it keeps more hurt and awkwardness out of the relationship with her mother and sister for now.

[MysteriousNameChange]

I find it totally bizarre that anyone is judging the mum for helping the sister to an appointment - we have NO IDEA why the partner couldn't go, and for some appointments you do need someone there or they won't let you go home.

It sounds to me that the mum has somewhat hurt feelings by going on about the sister a little too much, but maybe she just needs a little word.

The sister has done nothing wrong from what I can see apart from try to join in conversations that must've been painful for her.

Despite all that I can see why the OP might be feeling a bit odd but overall she is being unreasonable, probably knows that and can work to get over it.

No if you're infertile you don't have the monopoly on being upset but unless you've actually been there you don't know what it's like. You might know all about the pain of something else, even something worse, but trust me if you have children you do not know what it is to undergo fertility treatment after fertility treatment unless you've actually been through it yourself. It's bloody awful.

[crashdoll]

Why exactly does the op need empathy,she has 2 healthy children?

That's really unfair. Just because the OP has children does not mean the rest of her life is a bunch of friggin' roses!

[Prarieflower]

Nobody is saying that at all but simply in this instance she has no justification for behaving like a child or not focusing on what she has got-two healthy children.