to feel jealous of sister-in-law's IVF success when I have my own dd's?

[pheobepp]

I have two dd's. Both were conceived quickly and although pregnancy was hard, all is now good. Second dd is 5 weeks. Since before I became pregnant with first dd, my sister and her husband have been trying to become pregnant. Their first three rounds of IVF conicided with my pregnancies. They failed. I have just heard that their fourth attempt has been successful and sister is pregnant.

What I can't understand is my reaction. When I heard the news, I felt jealous and sad, even though I know that they will make wonderful parents and I have two beautiful dd's myself. The topic of their infertility has dominated all conversations for the past couple of years. My own Mum especially has talked about their struggle constantly. My sister hi-jacks conversations, unintentially, that I have with my parents and the topic of conversation always comes back to her - "when I have a child I will..." I admire her positive outlook because it has been a hard and gruelling couple of years but I feel that my own wonderful children have been overlooked because the focus has been on the negatives of their problems, rather than the positives of my experience. My Mum, even when she came to see my second dd for the first time, could only talk about sister's current round of IVF and did not stay for a long time as had to take sister to a medical appointment.

I am ashamed of my resonse. It is childish and petulant but I can not help feeling resentful. I feel that my own wonderful children have been overlooked and that sister's baby will be the "golden child." My parents funded their fourth round of IVF while my husband and I are struggling with decreased wages and high child care costs. I know that if the roles had been reversed, my mum would have done the same for me but I am dreading the next nine months as all I will ever, ever hear are pregnancy tales about my sister. I have heard it for years when I am with my Mum by herself, when we are all together as a family, and the only time I get respite from it is when I speak to my Dad because he is a typical man and doesn't pay attention to anything concerned with reproduction!!

Do you think I could still be suffering from baby blues from second dd's birth that is making me extra sensitive? I can't bear the thought of my sister's high maintenance pregnancy, but know she is just ecstatic to be pregnant. I am so, so pleased for her but when I think about the imediate future I feel sad and then I feel mad at myself for not truly sharing in their joy.

Are you a sahm? If so you can plan mummy time together with your sister so you can share the mummy experience together and build something that you both had taken from you - her with ltttc and the stress and pain of ivf and you with the chance to share your joy. You've recognised this feeling so build it in to a positive.

Ps it'll be lovely to have little ones so close in age!

Take away the IVF for a moment.

Pregnancy announcements are like friends telling you they've just booked their holidays... Even if you've just had one yourself, there's always a wee pang of jealousy. It is natural and it will pass.

Congratulations on finally being an auntie to be!

Your reaction is not "antiseptic".
Feel what you feel and indulge it.

I can't believe that the mother prioritised an appointment for an adult over meeting their DGC. It's hardly a surprise that the OP feels upset. I'd be fucking FUMING regardless of how much my Dsis had struggled to conceive.

Surely the OP's Dsis has a husband? And if so, why didn't HE take her to the appointment, so that the mother could lavish some attention on her new DGC?

Why do one sisters feelings take priority over another's?

Did the OP's Dsis have to ignore HER upset feelings and go visit the OP's baby in Hospital? It doesn't sound like it.

So the sister's feelings were spared there by it not being expected. Who is sparing the OP's feelings that HER brand new DC wasn't as important as her Sisters (at that point) not yet even conceived DC?

Surely the Mother could have dealt with it better. And why did the sister choose the month the OP was due in to start the fourth round of IVF? Could she not even let the OP have her mum around her at a time when it would be EXPECTED that a mother would support their DC?

I think it was very selfish of the OP's sister, actually, not to wait just 4 more weeks to start the next round of IVF, so that the OP could have her mothers support when it was needed.

Then they would BOTH have had their mothers support when they needed it, rather than the mother choosing to support one of her DC's over another.

And also, WTF was the OP's mother thinking?! If both of your DC need your support and time at the SAME time, you prioritise. An appointment that the OP's sister should, IMO be attending with her DH, not her mother, (none of my friends that conceived through IVF EVER had their mum accompany them to appointments.), should not have been prioritised over meeting her new DGC and making a fuss of the OP, who had just given birth.

I can fully understand the awfulness of infertility, I held my friend's hand as she totally lost it after her third round, but in this instance, I think that the sister COULD have waited just an extra 4 weeks, to support the OP, and then the OP would have been happier to support her.

Why does infertility mean that you get tone totally self absorbed and not care how much your actions hurt your family?

WTF Couthy? It's not the sister's fault the Mum only talked about IVF treatment when the OP's daughter arrived. Her DM could presumably have turned up at the hospital/the OP's house at any point, rather than immediately before the sister had an appointment. IVF goes on for 6-8 weeks, and some of the appointments need to be scheduled around how you react to the drugs and can't be planned in advance. The OP's sister might not be having regular periods either. Also, if the sister was doing treatment on the NHS it can be a struggle to get ANY treatment slot. In other words, it's just not possible to plan it around what other family members are doing. I did it 6 times and hated all the uncertainty around it - believe me, if I could have planned it not to be at the same time as other events than I would, but there's no ideal time.

OP, YABU and I feel sorry for your sister. Would you rather your positions were reversed and you got the attention as well as the infertility?

You might have baby blues and sounds like the situation has been hard on the whole family, with some family dynamics thrown in, but you need to make sure you do not express these feelings in RL - either directly or being "off" with people at this time!

Your sister is in early pregnancy and might be v anxious until the baby arrives and in need of support. Conception doesn't necessarily mean all will be well sadly (as I and lots of my friends have experienced).

I actually completely understand why you would feel jealous.

The repercussions of infertility and IVF are huge and affect everyone in the family. I bet both your pregnancies and births have only half been celebrated because of your sister/SIL struggles. No one wanting to look ecstatic because sssshhh SIL is having IVF.

In a way this baby (if the pregnancy is successful) WILL, at least initially be 'the miracle baby'. How could it not? And that will hurt you.

But what you are feeling is only 0.01% of what your SIL has been feeling. Infertility is hideous. Getting pregnant easily and giving birth to healthy babies is such a gift - but you don't know that until you are unable.

Enjoy your baby but while you're suffering fleeting feelings of jealousy, your SIL has been in AGONY for years and it's only the beginning. The positive pregnancy test is only the start and does not guarantee her a healthy baby.

Be gracious. Spend some time on the infertility boards. Talk to your mum.

YABU

Infertility and attention V easily conceived, healthy DCs and lack of attention. I know what I'd choose.

Just to clarify, I meant that getting a slot at clinics generally can be difficult. It was really hard for us on the NHS because had to phone up when my period started and find out then if they could take us on, so we didn't know from month to month what we were doing. The clinic also took paying patients too. And some of the busier private clinics also have a waiting list.

Adding into that the uncertainly about when a baby might appear, there's no way of making sure you don't have a clash between a birth and a round of IVF.

yousank - no, you are right and I apologise. It was a theory and I didn't mean to insult anyone.

MistressIggi puts across well what I was trying to express.

Eugene - thank you. As you can probably tell it is a subject I am a bit overly touchy about!

you know full well that YABVVVUUUU.

However, you cannot help what you feel, as long as you dont act upon it.

friends had a sister that had multiple IVF attempts (6?) and fell with twin girls. they had had fertility issues themselves and had 2 boys. The bloke was rufty tufty ex services person and he was overcome with jealousy at the attention his sister and the girls got (bit like golden children rolled in glitter). they spoke to PIL and they toned it down a bit and acknowledged that they had been a bit OTT.

it will take some adjustment but you know that you will adjust and have a lovely neice to complement your kids. and they will have a baby cousin

YABU but I can almost understand how you feel.

btw Couthy I think you are being totally OTT, IVF cannot be organised and shifted about as easily as you think, you can only do it a few times a year due to the stresses on the body and that's if you can afford to do multiple cycles a year. Presumably it was their mother's decision to help out with the appointment and talk about it so much.

Back to the OP. Infertility is horrible and it does affect more people than just the immediate couple involved. No doubt you've felt you can't celebrate as much as you would like over your pregnancies and children for example, and I can understand why that would lead to pangs of jealousy now.

But seriously, your sister will have been on a physical and emotional rollercoaster (cliche but true). She's had to inject drugs, have operations, lots of vaginal probes, sadness at a future where there is no certainty she might have a child (she still has this now, pregnancy doesn't always lead to a baby).

Her 'hi-jacks' might have been a genuine attempt to join in the conversations about children, not take over. Some people with IVF might find them too upsetting altogether and just leave the room.

It doesn't automatically follow that because it's been hard to get pregnant that she'll go on about it loads. Her pregnancy will be like any other woman's - perhaps with a feeling that it might be taken away from her at any moment - so it might be easy, it might be hard.

She will have to deal with a newborn just like you are dealing with yours. Perhaps you will now become closer as she can have talks with you on the same level, without forcing herself to 'join in' by 'hi-jacking' the conversation with talks of children that don't exist yet.

Yes, I'm probably projecting a bit. I just don't think you should assume the worst. The last few years have probably been very painful for her, if occasionally awkward for you.

I'm reluctant to tell anyone with a 5 week old that they are BU, but you know that you are, OP.

What you are feeling now will pale in comparison to the pain your sister will likely have felt over the years. From your post, it appears that she has tried to enter into conversations about bringing up children, and these conversations were probably enormously painful for her. It would undoubtedly have been easier for her to leave the room or ask you to change the subject, but she didn't.

You have had two healthy in children in the time it has taken her to win a pregnancy - not a child, but a pregnancy. It must have been difficult for her to be happy for you, but presumably she managed it. Did she see you through your pregnancies? Did she come to see the babies when born? Does she visit her nieces? All off this will have cost her a lot.

Put it down to hormones and try to be happy for her.

OP I understand how you feel. The fact is, the conversation has dominated everything, including your own children. Will everyone consider this baby extra special and dominate your children still? ---this is a thought Id have in your position. Albiet childish, its ok to have childish thoughts and feelings. Its when you make them known that its not good.

Your newborn baby is a very tiny 5 weeks old and seemingly over looked, your hormones, your emotions that make you swell with pride over your child has been knocked by GP's that would rather talk about SIL's IVF and now its bigger - she is pregnant.

How wonderful that she is, but how sad that your children are over-looked for it.

I have no suggestions, except that I think its absolutely ok to feel the way you do. Just plaster on smiles when it comes up and remind yourself how lucky you are- things Ive no doubt you already do.

And congratulations on your own baby.

I grew up with all my achievements being played down because my sister wasn't as successful as me. My exam results, jobs I've secured, wedding, my first child, all celebrated in a muted manner because my sister is single and childless and not as able as I am academically.

In the end I realised I wasn't going to get the validation and acceptance that I wanted from my family. I would never be celebrated in my own right - my life would always be seen in the context of my sister's life. It's a horrible way to live, and I had to move on. I all but cut them out of my life. They don't see me as a person.

I don't know if that's the case with you, but if it is, save yourself a lot of heartache and try to accept that your sister will always come first. I know if my sister ever did get married and have children the fanfare would be heard on the moon, and I would have to smile and be happy for her. No reference at all would be made to my feelings, despite the fact that her "feelings" all but ruined my wedding. Having your own happiness devalued constantly by the fact that someone else doesn't have what you have grinds you down. The only way to stop the grind is not to be available for it.

Couthymow:
I think it was very selfish of the OP's sister, actually, not to wait just 4 more weeks to start the next round of IVF, so that the OP could have her mothers support when it was needed.

AND THEN

I can fully understand the awfulness of infertility, I held my friend's hand as she totally lost it after her third round, but in this instance, I think that the sister COULD have waited just an extra 4 weeks, to support the OP, and then the OP would have been happier to support her.

WTF?????????

Are you on another planet??? You don't just book IVF like booking a leg wax! And the very fact that you think you can "fully understand the awfulness of infertility" just shows that you don't. Your posts have shocked and disgusted me. After 3 rounds of IVF why the actual fuck should the SIL DELAY her chance of motherhood "to support" the OP? For God's sake how entitled and bizarre!!! And the friends of yours who had IVF and whom you apparently supported, I seriously doubt that - you sound deluded and up your own backside from your posts on this thread. If you have any more friends in this position, your best bet is to sit down and shut up.

More bollocks from Couthymow;

Why does infertility mean that you get tone totally self absorbed and not care how much your actions hurt your family?

It doesn't. But it IS all consuming, fantastically expensive, with no guarantees, painful, physically demanding and puts every relationship in your life, under dreadful strain. Until you've lain awake wondering would your husband be better off with someone who can make him a father, and wondering if you'll ever do the ONE thing you're told to expect your gender to do easily, you haven't a clue. Until you've swallowed back vomit and panic when the next hundredth person tells you they're pregnant, until you've fought back tears when insensitive dolts ask you "don't you want children?", you have NO FUCKING IDEA COUTHYMOW about the agonies of infertility.

Take a long look at yourself.

I completely understand how you are feeling. I had failed IVF and 15 years of fertility treatments before I finally fell pregnant. In that time my (5) sisters had a total of 13 children between them. I know that they held back on the joy and excitement in order not to hurt my feelings. No-one would mention it in phone calls unless i mentioned it first. I felt sad that I was the one responsible for that and did my best to be as involved as possible and talked about their pregnancies lots as well as subsequently spending lots of time with their children.

When I finally fell pregnant my baby become the focus of the whole family for a while and, again, I felt a pang that it had all become about me and that I wasn't expected to hide my joy as they had done for me.

Emotions are a complicated issue. I am sure once her baby is here s/he will slot into family life and everything will return to normal. 14 years on my children are just 2 of 15 grandchildren - exactly as it should be!

I can understand how you are feeling and we had fertility issues for a while. We were told we needed IVF and were weeks away from starting when we found out I was pregnant.

Your mum shouldn't have left her new DGC just to take your sister to an appointment, her DH/P should be doing that. I am guessing you have felt like you can't 'celebrate' your children as much because of your sisters problems.

However, it is bloody awful when you can't get pregnant and people around you get pregnant so easily. I am sure you do understand that though.

Celebrate the fact that you are going to be an aunt and that your DDs will have a cousin. But I would actually have a word with your mum and tell her that whilst you feel for your sister and her fertility problems, you don't need to hear about it constantly from her and remind her that she does have 2 GC that may like some attention.

Why would anyone ask somebody without children if they wanted children? How would they know if they were suffering from infertility? That IS an insensitive thing to ask someone. Anyone who asks that is an insensitive prick in my book.

However, maybe it's just the family dynamics that seem obvious here, with the Mother favouring the OP's sister constantly, as if the OP's sister is the wonder child, and the OP and her DC's are insignificant.

I can see how hurtful that would be, having NOT been the golden child.

I take far more issue with the OP's Mother than I do with the OP - it's blatantly obvious that she favours the OP's sister over the OP.

And how many of you that had IVF treatment had your Mum, rather than your partner, attend the appointments with you? Surely it is a private thing between a couple? I find the notion of the Mother attending the appointment very odd.

As I said earlier, none of my friends that have been through infertility and IVF had their Mother go with them. It was ALWAYS their partner.

Which is why I find it rather strange for the OP's Mother to have prioritised the OP's sister's appointment over giving the OP and her new baby some attention.

And given that, I would be hard pushed not to assume that the OP's baby will become the 'Golden GC' at the expense of the OP's DC's.

They should all be treated the same. And the OP isn't getting the support and care from her Mother that her sister is getting. And I WOULD be pretty pissed off with unequal treatment like that.

Yeah, my views may not be liked on this, I accept that, but I DO know that if I was the OP's Mother, it would have been the OP's new baby I would have been fussing over. I would have expected my other child's PARTNER to be with her for the IVF appointment.

But equally, if and when my other child had a baby, I would have been there with HER after the birth.

And I wouldn't have had ANY different reaction to either pregnancy or baby. I would keep quiet about it in front of the child going through the heartache of infertility, yes. But I wouldn't allow it to dominate my conversations when ALONE with my other, pregnant DC, like the OP's Mother did. When NOT in the presence of the other child, I would be just as excited about the baby.

And THAT'S why I would be fuming. Not at my sister, though I may feel that it could have waited a little while, I would be fuming at my Mother for not joining in the excitement of my pregnancy and newborn baby when my sister wasn't even present.

The OP's Mother is the one in the wrong here.

And the OP asked if SWBU to FEEL like this, not if SWBU to TELL her sister this. Massive difference IMO. And she ISN'T BU to FEEL like this.

I haven't had my Mum in with me during treatment. But I know people who have, and came across a woman in hospital who had their mother as a birth partner rather than their actual partner, etc etc.

With a couple of IVF appointments, and depending on how your treatment goes (for example, if your ovaries get overstimulated), you do actually need someone to stay with you afterwards, and can feel very bad physically. It's really difficult to say without knowing the exact circumstances, but if the OP's sister's partner worked shifts and was refused time off, or had to wank and run, then she may have needed her Mum to make sure she was ok, rather than just wanting her there for moral support.

How was her mum not joining in though? She went to see her. Maybe not as much as the OP might have liked, but she was still there.

She dominated conversations with the OP (when her sister wasn't present) with talk about her sister, rather than sharing in the OP's joy. It IS possible to do that sensitively, around just the OP, rather than turn everything back to the OP's sister.

I see what you are saying about the appointment, but who needs more support AT THAT MOMENT? The one who is going to an appointment, or the one who has just given birth.

I'll bet the OP's mum doesn't do a dash and run when the OP's sister is born...

Argh. Last line should have read "OP's sister's baby is born.