to feel jealous of sister-in-law's IVF success when I have my own dd's?

[pheobepp]

I have two dd's. Both were conceived quickly and although pregnancy was hard, all is now good. Second dd is 5 weeks. Since before I became pregnant with first dd, my sister and her husband have been trying to become pregnant. Their first three rounds of IVF conicided with my pregnancies. They failed. I have just heard that their fourth attempt has been successful and sister is pregnant.

What I can't understand is my reaction. When I heard the news, I felt jealous and sad, even though I know that they will make wonderful parents and I have two beautiful dd's myself. The topic of their infertility has dominated all conversations for the past couple of years. My own Mum especially has talked about their struggle constantly. My sister hi-jacks conversations, unintentially, that I have with my parents and the topic of conversation always comes back to her - "when I have a child I will..." I admire her positive outlook because it has been a hard and gruelling couple of years but I feel that my own wonderful children have been overlooked because the focus has been on the negatives of their problems, rather than the positives of my experience. My Mum, even when she came to see my second dd for the first time, could only talk about sister's current round of IVF and did not stay for a long time as had to take sister to a medical appointment.

I am ashamed of my resonse. It is childish and petulant but I can not help feeling resentful. I feel that my own wonderful children have been overlooked and that sister's baby will be the "golden child." My parents funded their fourth round of IVF while my husband and I are struggling with decreased wages and high child care costs. I know that if the roles had been reversed, my mum would have done the same for me but I am dreading the next nine months as all I will ever, ever hear are pregnancy tales about my sister. I have heard it for years when I am with my Mum by herself, when we are all together as a family, and the only time I get respite from it is when I speak to my Dad because he is a typical man and doesn't pay attention to anything concerned with reproduction!!

Do you think I could still be suffering from baby blues from second dd's birth that is making me extra sensitive? I can't bear the thought of my sister's high maintenance pregnancy, but know she is just ecstatic to be pregnant. I am so, so pleased for her but when I think about the imediate future I feel sad and then I feel mad at myself for not truly sharing in their joy.

[bottleofbeer]

Can feelings ever actually be unreasonable? they just...are. And in this case I totally see where the OP is coming from.

Happy, joyous times in her life have been downplayed so as not to upset the sister which if unfair is entirey understandable. Now sister is pregnant and there's free reign to celebrate they way the OP's pregnancies and births should have been celebrated. There's nothing unreasonable in feeling resentment about that. Her babies are, to her, every bit as important (more so!) than her sister's baby yet she's never had the celebration and fuss that is without question her sister's apparent right.

A comment a doctor made to me after my 12 week scan with my fourth child still stays wiith me..."oh, number four, scan went well and three other previous, successful pregnancies. I just came from the IVF unit" with what I can only describe as a bit of a disdainful look. I'm very sorry that some couples experience infertility but is that any reason my pregnancy shouldn't be seen as something good? Maybe he'd just broken bad news to a couple and he was wrong footed but I'll never forget that comment, it almost made me feel like I'd done something wrong, had more than my fair share or something.

It must be hard to live with that among family; "you're alright Jack" therefore we'll downplay the events that deserve as much celebration as it would for anybody else.

It's not her fault anymore than it is her sister's that she's got fertility issues and while I'd much rather be in her shoes, I won't dismiss her feelings as BU.

[Shamentincturepincher]

Couthymow YOU ABU for suggesting that the sister should have delayed her IVF by 4 weeks to accommodate the new baby. That's bonkers.

And for several of the apts for IVF you may need sedation and someone has to drive. It's far from unheard of to have another relative there.

It's no good backtracking saying you're more upset with the mother. You posted some awful statements.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

It's the unfair difference in treatment between the OP and her sister that is pissing me off. If the OP's mum is only going to do a dash and run when the OP's sister's baby is born, then go and see the OP's DC's, then fair enough.

But I can't see that happening, can you?

And THAT'S what I find unfair on the OP. Her DC's don't matter as much as her sister's, from before her sister's DC was even conceived.

And that WILL be bloody hurtful. You look at your wonderful DC's, and can't understand why they aren't equally as important as your sibling's DC's. Of course the OP is going to be hurt by that, both for herself AND on her DC's behalf. I can't understand how people can fail to see that, and are telling her she's wrong to feel hurt by that, and should just ignore that.

Why does the OP's upset at her DC's being less important to their own GM matter less (as she is being told she is wrong to feel like that) than her sister's upset through infertility.

There is no difference in the hurt between suffering infertility, and a family member dismissing your DC's as less important than your sibling's DC 's. it brings out the Mama Bear in you, wanting to protect your DC's from feeling 'second best'.

How many threads on here have we seen where one sibling's DC's are treated like the Golden GC, and the others not bothered with? And the general consensus on those threads is that you have to distance yourselves and your DC's from that sort of unequal treatment, as it is quite insidious and damaging. Which it is.

Yet because her sister has suffered from infertility, the OP is meant to ignore her (what looks to be very real) concerns that this might happen to her own DC 's?

THAT is the bit I don't get! So even if her DC's get to 2/3/4 or older, and notice that their cousin is treated differently by Granny, the OP should suck it up and ignore the effects of that on her own DC's, because her sister suffered infertility?

Maybe I'm wrong, and the OP's sister suffering from infertility SHOULD mean that the OP and her family get sidelined for years by her parents, I just can't see how that is right, when the OP's parents could have handled it so much better, by giving BOTH sisters the support they needed.

[Shamentincturepincher]

There is no difference in the hurt between suffering infertility, and a family member dismissing your DC's as less important than your sibling's DC 's. it brings out the Mama Bear in you, wanting to protect your DC's from feeling 'second best'.

No, you're wrong. One is annoying. Upsetting. You might feel let down by your mother, but you're still a mum.

The other is never ending agony that NOTHING can end or fix.

Get a grip and see this.

[Prarieflower]

Sorry yabvvu and simply don't deserve to be,I'm utterly staggered how anybody could be so selfish.

I had 7 years of IVf,it's utter hell.

Your parents should be commended for helping your sister through this and helping with bills.We spent thousands and financial implications stay for a looong time after a baby is born.

Re appointments,there are 100s of them and having IVF has a massive impact on work for both the mother and the father. Companies do not understand. You're not ill in their eyes so shouldn't have so much time off.It's even worse for partners.Hats off to grandma again for going.

The person overlooking your children is you.Instead of appreciating your luck and good fortune you resent somebody finally having something you had so easily.

Grow up and look at the positives in your life.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

If the OP's sister couldn't have delayed that appointment (and I readily accept I'm wrong on this point btw), then surely the OP's sister could have told her mum to spend some time with the OP instead of coming to the appointment, and got the father of the potential baby to do the driving around? THAT would have been the kind, putting her own feelings aside for just one occasion, for the OP, thing to do, just like the OP has had to do for years for her sister.

And if not, and she REALLY needed her Mother at the appointment with her, then surely the Mother could have turned up earlier to spend a decent amount of time with the OP and her new baby rather than adding her in as an afterthought on the way to the OP's sister's appointment. And the sister could have insisted on that, rather than focusing only on her own issues.

Surely siblings should think about each other?! The OP has had to be mindful of her sister's feelings for years. When is her sister going to be mindful of the OP's feelings?

[Shamentincturepincher]

Why should the sister put her feelings aside???? She's going through IVF for the FOURTH time and her sister has just had her second baby! That must be deep deep agony. But clearly there are people out there like you who don't have a bloody clue and can't even see that.

[nokidshere]

The point is that the OP has played down her pregnancies in order not to hurt her sisters feelings - and now her sister doesn't have to do that and everyone is joining in the massive excitement and in the process, the birth of a new baby is being overlooked a little.

I can understand how that would feel to someone. The OP recognises that her feelings are irrational.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

Sorry, you CAN'T dismiss someone else's feelings like that. It doesn't work like that.

To YOU the misery of infertility is the worst feeling in the world. To me, the misery of my DC's being treated differently has been the worst feeling in the world.

We are different people.

NEITHER of our feelings take priority over the other. What one person sees a mildly irritating (and it's not, you know. It is psychologically damaging for children to have this happen to them), another sees as the worst thing ever.

BOTH feelings are as valid as the other.

My feeling that inequality if treatment of GC's (and DC's for that matter) is the worst thing in the world because of the damage it causes does NOT invalidate that for you, the distress caused by infertility is the worst thing in the world because of the damage it causes.

BOTH feelings are as valid as the other, and what hurts one person the most may not be what hurts another person the most. Neither of those people are wrong, just different.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

Why should the OP put her feelings aside????

[bottleofbeer]

Infertility doesn't give somebody the monopoly on feeling miserable.

[Prarieflower]

Well then the op needs to get a grip.

The birth of another child to your sister when you can't have them is agonising.

Lucky old sister was on cloud nine,IVF sister would have been in the depths of misery.As a mother my place would have been with the child suffering not celebrating.

Yes IVF is shit,it has a massive impact on all it touches.Poor,poor op has had her perfect life touched by it.Her infertile sister can't help it,didn't ask for it and would have cut off her right arm not to be suffering from infertility.

As I said before the selfishness is staggering.

[nokidshere]

I agree with couthy about feelings.

I have psoriasis. When someone moans to me about having a spot I want to say "well think yourself bloody lucky, I wish thats all I had" but I know thats unreasonable. Their feelings about having spots are just as valid as mine about having psoriasis.

[Tailtwister]

Well OP, I don't think YABU as you can't help feel the way you do. You feel uncomfortable about those feelings and that tells me that you are a good kind person and love your sister very much.

As someone who had to go through 8 years of IVF to conceive our first baby, I know how upsetting and all consuming the process can be. I didn't have a sister though, let alone one who conceived 2 children with apparent ease. I did have a niece born in that time (by brother's child) and it was painful, but tbh not as much as I thought it would be. I deliberately didn't tell any family of our struggles as I wanted to avoid the situation you find yourself in. I don't know if that was a good or bad thing tbh. I know my mother felt upset I hadn't told her.

Your situation is complex OP. You have a small baby to deal with which may have some bearing on how you are feeling. However, even if you didn't I wouldn't think you were nasty or selfish. What makes the difference now is how you handle those feelings. Don't ignore them. Acknowledge them. Discuss how you feel with people you trust (your DH, friends etc).

[MissWinklyParadiso]

I hardly think that the OP's mother finding the time to go visit her and see the baby on route to something else will psychologically damage the baby couthy

[nokidshere]

7 years prarie? Is that all! You should try having fertility issues for 15 and being told that you will never be able to have a child - now thats proper infertility!

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

And PrarieFlower - who the hell are you to tell someone that they don't deserve to have the feelings they have?

How dismissive. The OP is a person with feelings too. Feelings aren't wrong, they just ARE.

I'm not saying it would be the right thing to do to give those feelings voice in RL, far from it, but the OP is getting a pasting on here unfairly for having feelings?!

So, because she hasn't suffered infertility, her feelings must come second to anyone else that has suffered infertility?!

How can anyone try to say that anyone else's FEELINGS are wrong?!

Yes, you can debate on the fact that VOICING those feelings would be wrong, but not that someone is wrong to HAVE those feelings.

No one person's feelings should take precedence over another's.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

Infertility doesn't give someone the monopoly on feeling miserable. THIS.

The OP feeling like shit because of the way her DC was treated as an afterthought does not invalidate her sisters feelings about her infertility.

Both are valid feelings.

Why does someone else's feelings about something invalidate your feelings about infertility?

It doesn't. They are both valid feelings.

[HazleNutt]

yes it's really kind that OP's mum found time between all the actually important things to come and take a brief look at her newborn grandchild for the first time
Baby won't remember it, but OP does.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

I think that someone who tries to invalidate other people's feelings by saying that they will NEVER know misery like infertility say a lot about themselves tbh.

Is there a hierarchy of 'valid feelings' somewhere that I have missed?

Are my feelings about having been raped at 4yo worse or not as bad as those that come from infertility? Or are they just feelings, both being valid causes of misery?

Surely my misery at my past does not invalidate your misery of infertility.

[Prarieflower]

Nokids I was told the very same,repeatedly, had to sell my beautiful flat to fund treatment,had near death OHSS,had to give up my career,move to the other end of the country away from family and friends to get treatment.Don't you dare belittle anybody's infertility or agony-we packed a lot into our 7 years of hell.

Op is getting a pasting because she is behaving like a spoilt brat.

There are some times in life when your wants/needs come second-this is one.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

No, but give it a couple of years, MissWinkly. Remember that the OP also has an older child. Who will notice inequities sooner.

[CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz]

Nope, PrarieFlower. They should NOT spend years treating one child like an afterthought. Their feelings are EQUAL.

[Iamsparklyknickers]

Wow, why has this turned into a hardest life in the world competition?

Nokidshere do you want a long service badge or something? Prarieflowers experience and opinions are as valid as the next persons, I'm actually pretty shocked that someone who's been through infertility would shout down someone else - am I just whining because I've only clocked up three years? Does my pain mean fuck all? Bollocks to you.

OP, yes you are Bu, but that's ok. You have feelings and they aren't as controllable as we'd like them to be which is probably why you feel a little sidelined by your mum and sister, they're no more in control than you are.

Talk to your dh about what you're thinking, try to put your thoughts and feelings into some kind of context and order. when your sister finally has her baby I think you should try to talk through it constructively with her or your mother, but make sure you've understood exactly your position so it doesn't end up like this thread - a hardest life in the world contest.

Meanwhile, be a little kind to yourself, you are emotional, you are navigating unknown territory trying to encourage your family to enthuse about your kids whist not deliberately rubbing your sisters nose in it - that's hard - but there is a lot more to life than just this one situation, try not to let it become an obsession.

[nokidshere]

Nokids I was told the very same,repeatedly, had to sell my beautiful flat to fund treatment,had near death OHSS,had to give up my career,move to the other end of the country away from family and friends to get treatment.Don't you dare belittle anybody's infertility or agony-we packed a lot into our 7 years of hell.

I wouldn't dream of it prarie but thats the point isn't it? Your infertility is just as valid as mine. Your feelings are no less hurtful than mine just because I went through it for longer. I posted to prove a point - that you would be upset by someone else belittling your feelings. Infertility is horrible whether you have been trying for a month or a lifetime.

And someone having a new baby overlooked because another "long awaited" one is on the scene is just as entitled to you or I to feel upset.