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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to 'come out' to my 7 yr old

82 replies

Newlyout · 10/11/2012 21:05

Hi all, first post here. I just wanted to ask opinions really. I'm in my late 20 s and after a lot of thought I have decided to come out and let the world know who I really am.
In order to fully accept this and be ready to date I've told my friends and family that I'm gay. I also spoke to my job and my daughters teacher, so that if the playground gossips get hold of it, or if she goes into school saying mummy is a lesbian, then we are covered.
However I had no intention of telling her until I had met a woman I wanted to introduce her to. But after a lot of thought I told her. One, because I want her to hear it from me, not someone else, two because I want her to know I have nothing to hide/ be ashamed of and nor does she. And three because if I don't meet the right person for say 5 years, it's gonna be more of a shock, right?

Well anyway.... She took it really really well, and only asked what colour hair I'd like my girlfriend to have?!

But I don't know if I did the right thing.... What do you all think?

OP posts:

amy175 · 10/11/2012 21:06

telling the truth and being yourself is never wrong xxxx

LadyCurd · 10/11/2012 21:08

Course you did the right thing. Nothing to be ashamed of or secretive about. Your daughter loves her mummy no matter what anyhow.
Well done on coming out :)

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 10/11/2012 21:08

Being open and honest with your dd is absolutely the right thing especially as others know. Also she's at a very accepting age so I think your timing is good.

Good luck with the future.

squeakytoy · 10/11/2012 21:08

Does she see her father? Have you told him?

YourHandInMyHand · 10/11/2012 21:09

As long as you did it with age appropriate language and level of info I think it's fine. Do you know any same sex couples? Kids are generally accepting anyway I find and I personally think you are right that it may be a bigger deal if you came out in 5 years time.

She sounds quite sweet asking what colour hair you'd like GF to have!

LadyCurd · 10/11/2012 21:09

P.s SpaceGirl pukes is an awesome inclusive story for schools- tis my daughters fave book. Space girl has two mummies but is an aside not central to story

Original poster

Newlyout · 10/11/2012 21:11

Wow, I'm a little overwhelmed with how supportive you all are. My family and close friends have all been fantastic too :) I feel really blessed.

No she isn't allowed contact with her father, well only by letter 3 times a year. It has unfortunately had to be this way for her own safety since she was 1. It's just been the two of us ever since. I do have his number, but didn't feel he needed to know?

OP posts:

applefalls · 10/11/2012 21:11

Well done on your bravery and honesty, I think you did exactly the right thing respecting your DDs right to hear the truth and hear it from mum.

Good luck and happiness to you

discrete · 10/11/2012 21:12

Of course you did the right thing.

Why would you hide it from her? You are, I hope, teaching her that it is just something that you are and which in no way changes your relationship with her. Hiding it from her would undermine that.

RyleDup · 10/11/2012 21:13

Sounds as though you have done the right thing to me.

Original poster

Newlyout · 10/11/2012 21:14

Thanks for that lady curd.she loves loves loves to read so I will look it out for her :)

And yes only age appropriate information was used, I basically bought up that shed asked me the other day if mummy had ever had a boyfriend, and I said yes I did, he is your daddy isn't he. But you know how some ladies love ladies, and some men love men, well mummy loves ladies, and one day she might bring a girlfriend home. Not now, but one day, and won't it be nice, just like when mummy's friends come round.
. We sort of just chatted like that for a while :)

OP posts:

squoosh · 10/11/2012 21:14

Exactly the right thing to do. It's who you are and it's not a shameful secret.

So, what colour hair would you like your future girlfriend to have?

Bogeyface · 10/11/2012 21:15

Being honest and open is never wrong in this sort of situation. All you are doing is letting your DD know who you really are and that will enable you to have a closer bond with her.

A friend of mines first husband had gender realignment after they split up, it was the reason for the split really although my friend didnt know it at the time, it was behind the unhappiness and the rows. The kids were fine about it. They were similar ages to your DD and they soon got used to having 2 mummies. She is now with her second husband who is going the GR too, she was in a national magazine and some papers talking about it, but they are staying together and again, her kids and their kids are fine about it.

Its usually adults that get judgy about stuff like this, when they have no idea what they are talking about.

chandellina · 10/11/2012 21:15

I think you did the right thing. The younger the better in some ways because in her mind it will just be a normal thing, as it should be, not some big shocker. Congratulations on finding your way.

MammaTJ · 10/11/2012 21:15

Of course!! But my introduction to children and sex was my DStD asking me when I was preg 'I know a man and a man and a lady and a lady can love each other but can they make a baby'. I told her that you need a seed from a man and an egg from a lady, so they can't normally.

She was 10!!!

Open and honest is the way to go!!

IceAndSliceOfBrainsPlease · 10/11/2012 21:16

Sounds like you handled it brilliantly, and your daughter is a credit to you. TBH I think the more matter of fact you are about it, the easier it is for kids to accept things, especially when they're younger. There's a girl in DD's (4) class who has two mums, and DD said 'X is so lucky, Mummy, she has two mums, so no one is the odd one out, because they're all girls in their house.'

Bogeyface · 10/11/2012 21:17

So, what colour hair would you like your future girlfriend to have?

Say ginger! Us gingers are brilliant in bed :o

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 10/11/2012 21:17

It can never be wrong when you are being your true self.

First and foremost you are and always will be her mummy. As long as whoever you are with loves you and treats you with respect i am sure she will always be very proud of you.

Good for you, you sound like a great mum.

Crikeyblimey · 10/11/2012 21:17

Absolutely the right thing to do. Well done.

Original poster

Newlyout · 10/11/2012 21:18

I do want her to know its ok. It's just all so new for me right now, and although she has always known people can be gay, she doesn't know anyone who is.( well she does but I meant apart from me) so I guess I was scared it wasn't the right way to do it. I mean, do we ever explicitly tell our children we are straight? But then I guess we don't have to, as it is assumed?

I just want to have our open, honest relationship, where she knows she can trust me, and that if I have nothing to hide, IF she gets picked on, she can come to me. Sorry about the lack of punctuation and order in my posts, I'm thinking out loud here!

OP posts:

WelshMaenad · 10/11/2012 21:18

Sounds like you have handled it perfectly.

It also sounds like you've raised a kind, open minded and accepting little girl! I hope you meet someone lovely, and worthy of sharing with her, really soon

ninah · 10/11/2012 21:19

I think I'd have waited til it had some context, personally. Although I do hope you meet the woman of your dreams soon!

perfumedlife · 10/11/2012 21:22

I think you did the right thing entirely! Hope you meet someone special soon

squoosh · 10/11/2012 21:22

Bogeyface your friend's first and second husband have had a sex change??

ninah · 10/11/2012 21:23

Yeah I see what you mean about the straight assumption. I've been single for ages so sexuality isn't a big feature for me these days. We do know gay and straight couples, though, so dc know there are many ways to live.

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