to expect DH to contact me when away on business trip?

[BebeBelge]

I really don't think it is asking too much. DH went away Tues morning and will be back Sat morning. He is a 6 hour flight away but only one hour behind so time zone is not an excuse.

There is not much about him that annoys me but this drives me insane. Everytime he goes away, I usually get a quick email to say he has arrived (which I already know because the email arrives about 5 hours after his expected arrival and by that time I have already checked his flight status) and then pretty much radio silence. He only phones if we are in the same country. If he is abroad, it is only email. I miss him. It would be nice to chat at the end of the day. Before he goes, he tells me he is going to miss me so much blah blah. So why not bloody show me you care and get in touch???

Also, on a normal day, he never phones me from work (I am a SAHM and yes, do feel a little lonely) just to say 'hello' which I have learnt most husbands do. It would also be nice if he could let me know when he will be home from work in the evenings as then I can judge whether to keep the kids up an extra 10 mins to see him or whether to cook for him or not. Simple courtesies, no? Or am I just a whinging wifie, who needs to get over it??

I'm feeling generally taken for granted at the moment so my judgement may be a little clouded but I think I have a point?

Sympathies! My DH travels a lot (the US this week), and although he tries to call, he often doesn't manage it. I spoke to him for two minutes last night, first time since he left on Monday morning, and I will see him tomorrow evening but probably not speak again until then. I text him the rest of the time and he texts back, which he prefers to email since going into the email means the work is there too.

One thing that he does though is really pack out his time - maximum meetings etc, usually eating with colleagues/ clients. Maybe this is the case with your DH too? If my DH didn't do this he would probably have to extend every trip by a day. He used to phone more, but have longer trips, i.e. the US used to be Sunday-Saturday, it is now Monday-Friday, which is much better for him and for us. So he has given up free time while he is away, but is home with us sooner.

It might be worth mentioning that your DC would like to hear his voice though, maybe one or two calls? Then it sounds like you are thinking of them, but obviously you benefit too! Now my DS's are 11 and 9 they both have a cheap mobile so that they can text DH and receive texts back from him too. I also find texting good for sending a quick 'loveyou' which goes down well, and usually gets a response.

Regarding the evenings, when he is in the country we have two regular evenings a week that we will all eat together, so he knows that he has to be back by then. These are set in stone, so he knows he has to contact me if he will be late. The other evenings we plan for us to eat together after the DC are in bed.

He has never been in the habit of phoning during the day from work, but since he never manages to take more than 5 minutes for lunch, he is genuinely busy - a 10 minute phonecall will make him ten minutes later home.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point though, and certainly when DC were younger it got quite lonely at times. I tend to be really busy in the evenings when he is away, doing all the jobs that need doing, so that we can all enjoy the time together when he is back as much as possible.

Haven't you answered your own question about why you don't hear from him? He can't afford it. That said, he could maybe email more or Skype. If he has access to wifi, he should consider Whatsapp which is free messaging.

Re the calling during the day, yabu. He is at work. My DH only calls me from work if there is a specific reason.

so if he cant use the phone and you are too skint to use a hotel phone, how is he supposed to ring you?
or am I missing the point?

sheep pretty tight! The really crazy thing is that it is a Blackberry. It's an international organisation, everyone has one but noone is allowed to use the roaming function - too expensive!

my dh never phones in the day - he sometimes texts but only if he's got a specific question. I have no idea if this is normal or not.

He would also go away on a business trip and not think to phone but told him after the last trip how upset I was about this - he hasnt been away again since so I've no idea if he'll change.

You need to speak to your dh and work out some way for him to stay in contact.

but he cannot call you

you just said so

I dont understand what you want tbh?

MissWooWoo I do feel like part of the furniture sometimes. I am having a wee cry now but don't feel too sorry for me because I am also eating HUGE bar of chocolate all by myself and intend to finish it!

You anbu to want to hear from him but you are bu expecting him to know how you feel without telling him!

My DH never stops bloody ringing me whether he is away or not. I love going to Anglesey as the singal is not very good and I can ignore him.

The grass is always greener eh?

I think he needs to talk to his employers to get them to pay for at least one phone call home every day when he is away on business.

signal

I tend to be the traveller and DH is the SAHP. I dont phone from work normally and few of the people I know do. It depends on office culture.

However I read in one of your later posts that he isnt allowed to use his company phone and you cant afford a private phone. If I am not being too harsh - how in the way of God's bottom is he supposed to contact you? Does he pack a carrier pigeon?

You need to tell him about the meal planning thing. Be reasonable and dont deliberately exclude him (eg by having a family dinner at 5pm and leaving his to go dry in the oven). You could give the children their evening meal at say 5pm then plan to have your dinner with him at say 7pm. This way he only needs to call you if he is not going to be home until after 7pm.

Communication is the way forward!

Tantrums Sorry, maybe I was confusing. I don't expect me to phone me whilst he is abroad. I was just explainng why he doesn't in response to some questions posters asked. i do expect him to contact me by email though.

When he is not abroad and at home on a normal working day, I concede IABU in expecting a phonecall to say 'hello' but I do think an email/txt/call letting me know when he will be home wouldn't be too much. he is never home at the same time every day, and I am fed up with me running around like a headless chicken getting the kids in bed only for him to walk through the door 10 minutes later and ask all disappointed 'Oh, are they in bed?' or for me to cook for him and have it ruined or to not cook for him and have him appear whilst we are all tucking into dinner and there is none for him.

Yes, I could call him and ask but as most of you have said, he is working, therefore I should not be bothering him with phone calls either so I can't win really?

I asked for opinions and it seems IABU. Thank you Mumsnet!

This is reminding me of that old joke: "What's the difference between ET and a man? Answer: ET phoned home". Har har. I do think it's perfectly possible that he has little idea what it would mean to you and it does sound as though, practically speaking, it's not easy for him to do. Shame about skype - that's what DH and I use and it's great.

do you have much contact with adults during the day, and I'm not talking about a snatched 2 minutes at the school/nursery gate? It sounds like you're a bit lonely and there's no shame in that - I've had times when I've felt like that myself being the SAHP, sometimes it can be very isolating and this all gets compounded when your partner is away. Have a little chat with him next available opportunity and have a think about how you might "branch out" socially .

Calls to let you know when he'll be home would clearly be a help. Why not ask in a non-confrontational way whether there's some possibility of giving you a rough indication in the afternoon so you can plan accordingly? At least then you know where you stand: whether he would resent the idea or whether it just hadn't occured to him.

He is BU to be disappointed that your kids in bed, if he isn't going to communicate with you when he is going to be home.

You need to talk to him. It's a waste of time, money and effort for meals to get ruined too!

YANBU to expect him to communicate with you if he is going to be late (re getting kids to bed / dinner cooked)
YANBU to expect some form of communication whilst he is away
YABU to expect a daily 'hello' call every day

TALK TO HIM :)

Seriously, your DH can't use the work laptop to connect up to Skype? And he can't use his work mobile? Apart from the "what kind of company is that?" question that I have, I would want to know how in heaven's name are you supposed to contact him if you have an emergency?

And what kind of HR dept does his company have if they value their employees so little that they are unable to make a checking-in phone call with their families if they are away from home and are overseas?

Your DH must be at a certain level within the company to be sent on overseas trips. YANBU to expect him to check in with you at least once every 2-3 days - you have DC, they might be ill, you might be ill, anything is possible. I would be asking him to raise this with his HR - for practical reasons if nothing else.

I don't expect my DH to phone me from work - but he usually does if only to say when he's coming home. Let your DH know that you'd like to know when he's on his way home if it's other than the normal time - the DC would like to stay up for 5 mins or whatever. He needs a bit of training - he probably doesn't realise that it makes a difference to you and the DC.

ChinUp i agree with you. It is a crazy company. I don't want to say too much but it is a public body and things are never going to change. The Skype thing, I think, is about security concerns. I know this is the reason that they can only connect work laptops via cable and the wifi has been disabled on them all. No social media things allowed on work laptops either.

In an emergency, I do know which hotel he is at so I could contact him if I really had to.

I am lonely, I have 3 under 5's and we live abroad oursleves, I don't speak much of the local language so not much scope for joining groups etc.

Thanks for all the input. I accept IABU!

ChinUp - sadly a lot of companies treat their employees really badly when it comes to business trips. I worked for a large multinational for many years. I was expected to travel to the back end of beyond for business reasons but wasnt allowed to have a company mobile phone.

It was crap. It reflected the complete lack of imagination by the senior executives. To them we were all just 'resources' who were put in the cupboard overnight to recharge.

Bitter? Me?

I'd say there are 3 different issues here.

1. Day to day contact - which frankly, if everyone in tis office spent 10 mins of he phone to their OH, the whole day would just be one long background of "hello, dear, how are you, .... yes I'm fine, thank-you, yes,I'm at work" That siad I'll only e-mail DH at work if there is something that needs sorting, or he needs to put in holidays. I;ll ring him if the kids are ill (I work FT too). So, yes I'd say YABU for expecting a call when it's bee less than 12 hours he's away.

But 2) knowing aprox when he's going to get in is very useful. We have an aproximate time each of us usually gets in, and if were going to be moe than about 1h different, we drop each other a message.

3. Working away. Have you ever traveled with work? Yes, being left at home with he kids, you DO crave some adult conversation, but traveling with work is very hard work. Last month, it was in the factory 8-6, hotel 30 mins away, and dinner out with customers starting about 7.30. So you have max 90 mins to get sorted out, clean, rest and phone home. It often just doesn't happen as the time dissapears. But wanting the contact doesn't dissapear, its just physically finding some time to deal with it, taking acount of the time difference. I do think you should talk to him about it, and maybe suggst work reevaluate their travel policy to cover 1-2 short calls a week. Have you actually costed up a phone call from his mobile? I was pleasently suprised about the call costs from Europe.

Hope hes home soon.

I think it's unreasonable for the company not to expect people to want to phone home when they are working away. Can he not speak to the person responsible for the mobile phone contract at the company and ask that an international bundle is added? They aren't as expensive as people think and he could offer to reimburse the company part of the cost?

And why can't he use Skype on his laptop - it doesn't cost? Our IT have it so you can't download software but we have Skype on there as we use it as a business. Perhaps he could again speak to the relevant person at his company and explain the situation.

Sorry I think YAB a little U. Aside from the fact you've already said he can't ring you, he's not psychic. If you haven't told him you'd like to hear from him then how is he to know?

In our house we sometimes text each other to say hello and ask how each others day is going, but we can't always. We both work in environments were sometimes we actually can't even have our phones on us; if there's complete radio silence all day (which is often) we assume that's the case. Sometimes we text each other at lunch if its not too busy, but our lunches don't overlap at all so its more of a checking in text.

I think you're over analysing it a bit. You've mentioned you're lonely and I think this is the crux of it. If you had something else to do to keep you busy, so you were seeing other people, you might not feel the need to rely on him so much.