to expect DH to contact me when away on business trip?

[BebeBelge]

I really don't think it is asking too much. DH went away Tues morning and will be back Sat morning. He is a 6 hour flight away but only one hour behind so time zone is not an excuse.

There is not much about him that annoys me but this drives me insane. Everytime he goes away, I usually get a quick email to say he has arrived (which I already know because the email arrives about 5 hours after his expected arrival and by that time I have already checked his flight status) and then pretty much radio silence. He only phones if we are in the same country. If he is abroad, it is only email. I miss him. It would be nice to chat at the end of the day. Before he goes, he tells me he is going to miss me so much blah blah. So why not bloody show me you care and get in touch???

Also, on a normal day, he never phones me from work (I am a SAHM and yes, do feel a little lonely) just to say 'hello' which I have learnt most husbands do. It would also be nice if he could let me know when he will be home from work in the evenings as then I can judge whether to keep the kids up an extra 10 mins to see him or whether to cook for him or not. Simple courtesies, no? Or am I just a whinging wifie, who needs to get over it??

I'm feeling generally taken for granted at the moment so my judgement may be a little clouded but I think I have a point?

[QuickLookBusy]

Bebe I don't think YABU at all.

You're in a different country, cannot speak the local language and have 3 DC to cope with. He should be contacting you each day.

My DH used to work away a lot. He wouldn't contact me at all during the day as he was so busy, he also always had events etc to attend in the evening. But I made it very clear that I expected him to phone the DDs every night, just so I knew he was ok and he knew that we were.

I really don't think that's too much to ask your husband and father of your children.

[JustSpidero]

Have just read back and seen that he often doesn't contact you at all - that would be trying I must admit.

[ilovetermtime]

I think you just need to have an honest chat with him. If I were you I'd insist on him calling to let you know when he'll be home. I had this problem with my DH when the kids were little and it drove me mad. I had to spell it out to him, on more than one occasion as his memory is crap, but now he pretty much always calls.

[JustSpidero]

If it means that much to you then YANBU.

Personally I'd be ok with a few texts of an evening or an email if it was just a few days.

As for calling during a normal working day - my friend's DH does this every single day. TBH if my DH called me every day from/at work I would go mental. It smacks of neediness and checking up to me, but then we are both usually at work at lunchtime and he is a chef so certainly can't be chatting to me on the phone then!

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

My DH mostly calls or texts or emails every day (might just be a 3 word text or a saucy email!) when away. He didn't always but over the years has become better trained at this! :)

[ChinUpChestOut]

BebeBeige I think I understand now. If that particular policy is for security reasons there's not a lot you can do :(. Your best bet is probably a local mobile phone - then at least you could text him to ask if he's arrived. I'm a great believer in training - in time, he might learn to text you.....

[Jenny70]

My Dh travels a lot too, sometimes cities, sometimes outback bush camp in namibia ... he always calls every 2-3 days. It's hard to remember what to tell him in one call, but he does usually say when he's going to call.

I would suggest you ask him to call you on certain day, either because you tell him about an activity/appointment .... then hopefully he'll get in the habit of thinking to call you.

Or a guilt trip that the kids needed stitches, plaster cast and he didn't know about it (hard to make happen in right timeframe ;) )

[BebeBelge]

He usualy emails to say he arrived ok, and after that is anyone's guess. I would like a quick email every day just to know he is alive, but it seems IABU and clingy to want this. Therefore, I will go with the MN majority and I will not talk to DH about this when he gets back home.

[SoldeInvierno]

I go away often on business and I never call. I don't see the point if I am only away for 2 or 3 days. I sent txt, but only about once per day. I prefer to keep the conversations for when I come back.

[Ephiny]

Oh I thought you said he did email you when abroad?

[worsestershiresauce]

Given the phone situation I am not surprised he doesn't call when he is away. That does put a slightly different spin on things. It isn't that he can't be bothered, it is that is is difficult and expensive. Email seems a good compromise. I don't know of any employers that pay for personal calls - it would turn into a difficult taxable benefit situation if they did.

As for calls during the day - that's a bit clingy tbh. My DH doesn't call me, and I don't call him. I don't know anyone that does call their partner tbh. We're all busy, and work is work.

[BebeBelge]

I would be happy communicationg by email when he is away too, but he doesn't!

Anyway, I am clealy BU on some fronts and I need to decide if it is worth the stress if talking to him or not.

In the meantime, thanks again, and I am off to bed (different time zone) at the end of yet another day with no contact and not knowing if he is alive or dead, or him knowing if we are alive or dead ok, so I'm being a tad melodramatic here!

[Ephiny]

I would not expect or want DH to phone or text me during the work day just to say 'hi' . I would find that clingy and pretty annoying tbh.

As for letting you know when he'll be home - I guess that's up to him. If he doesn't let you know, and dinner etc isn't timed to his convenience, he doesn't really have the right to complain. You're not a mind-reader! I'd just say that and leave it up to him what he does.

I would be happy with communicating by email when one of us is travelling. This is what we'd normally do anyway.

[BebeBelge]

Thank you all for the suggestions about mobile rates and Skype but these things are not going to change any time soon. The organisataion is too big and the policies are blanket ones.

He could get a personal mobile. We may look into that but the country we live in only offers rather expensive contracts so it may not be cost effective, but I will ask him to check.

[whois]

Ringing at lunchtime to say hi is not normal.

I would think it very odd if my male colleagues had to ring home. I would find it odd if my DP rang me while I was at work just to say hi.

[nextphase]

Sorry, just seen they won't change the contacting policy. ignore that comment above.

Skype prohibited from work laptops here also (but we do have wifi access)

[StuntGirl]

Sorry I think YAB a little U. Aside from the fact you've already said he can't ring you, he's not psychic. If you haven't told him you'd like to hear from him then how is he to know?

In our house we sometimes text each other to say hello and ask how each others day is going, but we can't always. We both work in environments were sometimes we actually can't even have our phones on us; if there's complete radio silence all day (which is often) we assume that's the case. Sometimes we text each other at lunch if its not too busy, but our lunches don't overlap at all so its more of a checking in text.

I think you're over analysing it a bit. You've mentioned you're lonely and I think this is the crux of it. If you had something else to do to keep you busy, so you were seeing other people, you might not feel the need to rely on him so much.

[Autumnchill]

I think it's unreasonable for the company not to expect people to want to phone home when they are working away. Can he not speak to the person responsible for the mobile phone contract at the company and ask that an international bundle is added? They aren't as expensive as people think and he could offer to reimburse the company part of the cost?

And why can't he use Skype on his laptop - it doesn't cost? Our IT have it so you can't download software but we have Skype on there as we use it as a business. Perhaps he could again speak to the relevant person at his company and explain the situation.

[nextphase]

I'd say there are 3 different issues here.

1. Day to day contact - which frankly, if everyone in tis office spent 10 mins of he phone to their OH, the whole day would just be one long background of "hello, dear, how are you, .... yes I'm fine, thank-you, yes,I'm at work"
   That siad I'll only e-mail DH at work if there is something that needs sorting, or he needs to put in holidays. I;ll ring him if the kids are ill (I work FT too). So, yes I'd say YABU for expecting a call when it's bee less than 12 hours he's away.
   
   But 2) knowing aprox when he's going to get in is very useful. We have an aproximate time each of us usually gets in, and if were going to be moe than about 1h different, we drop each other a message.
   
   
2. Working away. Have you ever traveled with work? Yes, being left at home with he kids, you DO crave some adult conversation, but traveling with work is very hard work. Last month, it was in the factory 8-6, hotel 30 mins away, and dinner out with customers starting about 7.30. So you have max 90 mins to get sorted out, clean, rest and phone home. It often just doesn't happen as the time dissapears. But wanting the contact doesn't dissapear, its just physically finding some time to deal with it, taking acount of the time difference.
   I do think you should talk to him about it, and maybe suggst work reevaluate their travel policy to cover 1-2 short calls a week.
   Have you actually costed up a phone call from his mobile? I was pleasently suprised about the call costs from Europe.
   
   Hope hes home soon.

[NamingOfParts]

ChinUp - sadly a lot of companies treat their employees really badly when it comes to business trips. I worked for a large multinational for many years. I was expected to travel to the back end of beyond for business reasons but wasnt allowed to have a company mobile phone.

It was crap. It reflected the complete lack of imagination by the senior executives. To them we were all just 'resources' who were put in the cupboard overnight to recharge.

Bitter? Me?

[BebeBelge]

ChinUp i agree with you. It is a crazy company. I don't want to say too much but it is a public body and things are never going to change. The Skype thing, I think, is about security concerns. I know this is the reason that they can only connect work laptops via cable and the wifi has been disabled on them all. No social media things allowed on work laptops either.

In an emergency, I do know which hotel he is at so I could contact him if I really had to.

I am lonely, I have 3 under 5's and we live abroad oursleves, I don't speak much of the local language so not much scope for joining groups etc.

Thanks for all the input. I accept IABU!

[ChinUpChestOut]

Seriously, your DH can't use the work laptop to connect up to Skype? And he can't use his work mobile? Apart from the "what kind of company is that?" question that I have, I would want to know how in heaven's name are you supposed to contact him if you have an emergency?

And what kind of HR dept does his company have if they value their employees so little that they are unable to make a checking-in phone call with their families if they are away from home and are overseas?

Your DH must be at a certain level within the company to be sent on overseas trips. YANBU to expect him to check in with you at least once every 2-3 days - you have DC, they might be ill, you might be ill, anything is possible. I would be asking him to raise this with his HR - for practical reasons if nothing else.

I don't expect my DH to phone me from work - but he usually does if only to say when he's coming home. Let your DH know that you'd like to know when he's on his way home if it's other than the normal time - the DC would like to stay up for 5 mins or whatever. He needs a bit of training - he probably doesn't realise that it makes a difference to you and the DC.