Not to have my Mum here on Christmas Day despite DBros saying I should?

[bubby64]

Just some background - My darling mum has Altzheimers and has very short term memory (10 minute max). She is not comfortable leaving her little flat and her dog (who is a darling, but does not get on with cats, and we have 4!), she has carers 4 times a day, and, TBH, she would not remember it was Christmas Day anyway. Trouble is, my DBros both say I am being selfish and should have her over and let the carers have a day off too, as I have done so for the past 4 yrs. She cannot sleep here as cannot get upstairs, so we have to fetch her in the morning and drive her home in the afternoon, and also bring over her commode which has to sit in the corner of out dining room behind a screen as toilet is also upstairs. Dbro1 split from his partner of 11yrs 4 months ago, and is working Christmas (is a police officer) and DBro2 and family are going to Turkey to spend the holidays with in-laws (as they have done for the past 3yrs!) They are both saying mum should not be alone with just the carers over Christmas Day, and I and DH are being selfish to want to spend a Christmas day without worrying that we cannot have a drink and drive, and shutting away the cats and having the kids keep the noise down (mum gets very flustered and worried when the kids get rowdy). I know mum would understand is she was able too, why cant they stop trying to guilt trip me into doing something neither mum or we will enjoy!

Yes, that´s a better reply.

What I was trying & failing to say was that you are arranging to see your Mum when convenient/when you want to, & he should do the same.

Just spoken to DH and told him about Txt, he said "tell Bro th F**k Off," He has been telling me to say this to elder Bro for ages, but Bro1 has always been a bully, even as kids, and I find it really hard to stand up to him, even DH says " you stand up for yourself with everyone else, why not him!". I have always tried to please him, and also been the one to stop fights between him and our younger Bro2( who is still jetting off to Turkey on the 23rd, returning on the 3rd Jan!!), Bro1 also does not really like my DH, and I think that is because DH doesnt try very hard at disguising his feelings over how Bro1 treats me, but I always have said to my DH dont fight with him, just try to ignore it.
I have just spoken to the Manager of the carers who go in, and she agrees with me, I will visit Mum for the afternoon/evening and do the tea and put to bed visit on Xmas eve, they will do all 4 Xmas day visits, and will also keep all visits Boxing Day, and I can then drop in when I like with no worries about getting there for a specific time. She also agrees that Mum is better off staying at home, and she said her ladies have already said they dont mind working. So, whatever Elder Bro now says, I have made the arrangements with the carers and they are planning Mums visits with this in mind.

That's very big of your brothers isn't it!

As one who's lived with a mum with Alzheimer's, I think you're doing the right thing.

My mum died a few days before Christmas almost 3 years ago, but had that not happened, I'd made up my mind that I wasn't going to see her n Xmas day that year because of the negative effect it would have on me, my dh and children.
Mum wouldn't have known the difference, due to the stage in the illness she was at.

Only you know your mum as she was, and I'd bet anything that if she could, she'd be saying to you to enjoy your day with your immediate family, and let the careers deal with her. You know that's what you'd feel if it were you who had alz, and your children were asking the question.

Alzheimer's is a bastard of a disease, I lost my 30s to the issues it brought, and much as I'd never have not supported my parents through it, it had a hell of a detrimental effect on all of us, and I know my mum would have been devastated to know the effect it had, although it clearly wasn't her fault!

Firmly tell your brothers to butt out, it's easy to take the moral high ground when doing so doesn't require any effort !

Just remember no is a complete sentence OP.

wordfactory has it spot on. Open presents with your DCs and DH in the morning. Pop over to see your mum late morning for about an hour and then go home to a delayed Christmas lunch or Christmas dinner (with my pre-teens we always have a late cooked breakfast and dinner about 5.00 pm). If your brother is working shifts, he can also pop in for an hour or so immediately before or after his shift.

My grandfather suffered from dementia. He spent one of his last Christmasses at my aunts house surrounded by noisy children, a dog and a cat. He would have been much happier back in the home he was living in with some peace and quiet.

It's your brothers' guilt trip, not yours. Just assuage any guilt you may feel by spending a short time on Christmas morning with your mum. Sadly, it's possible there might not be many opportunities to do this.

it's easy to take the moral high ground when doing so doesn't require any effort !

You should put that in any reply you send OP!

bubbly Definitely stand your ground with help from your DH. Your brother is a bully and I think that your DH has the right attitude towards him.

Your brother has plenty of opportunity to visit your mum as night shifts in the police are generally about 10pm to 6am, leaving him 6 hours-ish to sleep and plenty of time to visit in the afternoon before going to work for 10pm the next night. He's having a laugh, selfish sod.

DH always has said my brothers do not appreciate what a great mum and childhood they had, and if they had had one like his,(a whole different story!) they would realise how wonderful she was/is. As I said earlier, My DH loves my mum, as she has been more of a mum to him in the past 15yrs than his real mum ever was!
Anyway, I have now sent the arranged schedual and this txt to both DBros "I have made the above arrangements with K (the care manager), but, of course, you can go and visit Mum at her own flat during the Christmas and New Year period as many times as you wish if you want to ensure Mum feels she has not been ignored or forgotten, and she and I would certainly not mind if any of your visits was at the same time as one of mine"
Lets see what they think of that one!

Yup-the idea that a sibling doesn´t need to visit because another is there.WTAF is that all about?

I think your text is good!

What´s the betting that they just come back wittering about who´s going to see her CDay?

Oh fuck-one of them might have to!

bubbly Well, given your DB1's night shifts, he should be free in the afternoon on Christmas Day eh?

OP you have been doing more for your mum than your 2 bros put together.
As for that text you received from your police officer brother id be tempted to talk to his boss about it.
a. hes a police officer who is harassing you.
b. im sure his boss would be very interested to know that the reason he has volunteered for these shifts isnt entirely an honourable one.

I probably sound like a bitch but their shitty attitude towards you has made me really

Well done op, stay strong, you know you are right xx

Sorry for bring blunt but I wouldn't be able not to have her, I have never had a birth mother and Alzheimer's or not would most certainly have her over because very soon you won't be able to and can at least feel that you have made her time with you happy and dud you upmost.

Madame, I think in fairness what you are not aware of is that by taking someone with altzheimers out of their surroundings you are not making them happy but instead confusing and distressing them. By the sounds of things the OP has looked after her mother, made her happy and done her utmost for years, but is now conceeding that it wouldn't be in her mothers best interests to have her over.

I hear this so often. It is always the girl in the family looking after the mum and then the brothers have the cheek to say you should have her again for the 5th year. Let them have a turn.

so typical IMO

Yes, once Alzheimers has gone past a certain level, then the OP would actually be cruel to bring her mother to her, it would be distressing and confusing rather than a nice treat. The only way anyone could see her and it be comfortable for the mum would be to go to her.

OP - if your brother is working nights over Christmas, it's perfectly possible he could call in on his way home or go over before his shift starts. That would mean putting himself out and changing his plans, but why should you be the only one?

Tel them it's their turn. You have done it for 4 years and now they both need to do 4 years each.

Well done

Why can't you just go and visit your mum for a couple of hours? I can understand you not wanting her there all day but at the end of the day she is your mum. The least you can do is go and visit her on Christmas day!

It's absolutely fine to tell them it's their turn

Berate them for being twats etc etc

But come boxing day if no one has visited you'll feel bad & at the end of the day it's your relationship with your mum that counts

Who wants to be 90 & rue the Xmas they didn't visit their mum

Fume....
Tell areshole police brother that as he sin't working nights in the days before and after Xmas, and as DM does not know which day is Xmas, Boxing Day, New Year or anything else, then he can pop round ANY day and take a nice present and cake and an effing great Xmas tree if he wants. It's all the same to DM. You and your family do alot for DM and only once he gets off his arse and does as much is he in a position to order you about.

Really OP it doesn't matter when you go round. Everyone is projecting their guilt.

Why not make a special New Years Day for DM. All your family can visit with a lovely meal and a nice present for her. Sod chasing around Christmas Eve etc. She won't care !!!! so you are not doing it for her!!!!!!

Missed your last post bubby in my seething rush to reply.

Your txt was great.

YADNBU. Your brothers are incredibly selfish and quite rightly feeling guilty so taking it out on you. Put your foot down OP and enjoy your Christmas.