Not to have my Mum here on Christmas Day despite DBros saying I should?

[bubby64]

Just some background - My darling mum has Altzheimers and has very short term memory (10 minute max). She is not comfortable leaving her little flat and her dog (who is a darling, but does not get on with cats, and we have 4!), she has carers 4 times a day, and, TBH, she would not remember it was Christmas Day anyway. Trouble is, my DBros both say I am being selfish and should have her over and let the carers have a day off too, as I have done so for the past 4 yrs. She cannot sleep here as cannot get upstairs, so we have to fetch her in the morning and drive her home in the afternoon, and also bring over her commode which has to sit in the corner of out dining room behind a screen as toilet is also upstairs. Dbro1 split from his partner of 11yrs 4 months ago, and is working Christmas (is a police officer) and DBro2 and family are going to Turkey to spend the holidays with in-laws (as they have done for the past 3yrs!) They are both saying mum should not be alone with just the carers over Christmas Day, and I and DH are being selfish to want to spend a Christmas day without worrying that we cannot have a drink and drive, and shutting away the cats and having the kids keep the noise down (mum gets very flustered and worried when the kids get rowdy). I know mum would understand is she was able too, why cant they stop trying to guilt trip me into doing something neither mum or we will enjoy!

[Blu]

Describe to your B the upset it cuased your Mum when she came to your house for her birthday and emphasise that you are acting in her best interests as you always do.

[scarlettsmummy2]

I would put the onus back on to them. They are equally responsible as you.

[TraceyTrickster]

De-lurked to reply to this as I could have written your post last year.

We lived 2 hours drive away and have an under 5 year old. My DBro who lives 10 mins from my mother was 'busy with his FIL' and my sister who lives in a bungalow had other plans.

My siblings told me that we should drive 2 hours, collect DM, drive 2 hours back, feed her, drive her home again and drive ourselves home. So 8 hours in the car for us, all for a meal. There were no local places for dinner.

My DM had severe Alzheimers and really had no clue what day it was. The self contained flats she lived in had a residents Christmas dinner and it was lovely. She thought it was just Sunday.
We took her out for afternoon tea on Boxing Day (as she took hours to eat a meal!) and she was happy with that.

Sadly my DM died in April, as her Alzheimers was far more advanced than anyone recognised and her brain function ceased. Even so I have no regrets as it was only to appease my (our) guilt that we would have spend last Christmas Day dragging her to our house. Christmas Day meant no more to her than a visit from family (or strangers depending on the day) and she enjoyed going out for a drink/cake more than sitting in our house (unable to join a conversation).

I can truly empathise with you, but be kind to yourself AND your mother.

[Flisspaps]

MadamCastafiore I think perhaps your point would be better served to the OP's brothers. It seems to me the OP has put in more than her share of effort in, and appreciates the lovely times her DM has given her over the years.

[dawntigga]

YANBU Until they have her for Xmas this year and for the next 7 years they can STFU

FuckXmasGuiltTiggaxx

[auntpetunia]

bubby64 hope you've not had any flack from your brothers about your arrangements. if they give you any trouble just tell them they are welcome to have mum for Christmas but to please make sure they let the carers and care manager know of the changes! Don't feel guilty ,hard I know, I Am already feeling bad that I won't see mum for at least 3 or 4 weeks and I'm having major surgery and my dsis is completely understanding! I have told mum every time I have visited recently that I won't be around and every time she looks shocked and worried.. not going to mention it again. you're right Alzheimer's is a horrible disease.

[pigletmania]

You are right op the best thing for your DM is to stay in her familiar environment where she is more comfortable. Your brothers do not have a clue, just ignore them

[bubby64]

nicky and auntp , it's a horrid disease, isn't it, I have gradually seen my intelligent, funny and sharp witted mum get more and more confused and forgetful, it's like losing her bit by bit, and TBH, it breaks my heart.
We did think about a home, but, for the moment she is safe, happy and well looked after where she is, and social services have even said that, in the long run, it would be more cost effective for them for mum to have a live in carer rather than an EMI placement, and, having worked in several homes in the past ( i am a qualified nurse) i would have to agree, and there is not one suitable nearby anyway where i would be totally happy her going into.
Thing is, I know she wouldn't want this fighting over her, and it she would have been the first to say look after yourself and your family, she was so happy when DH and I got together and then had the kids, because, for a long time I was on my own, and it looked like I wouldn't have the marriage and family I have now. She also used to say "don't let DB1 bully you into doing anything you don't want to" she knew and understood what he was like, and she often said he made the perfect policeman as he was officious even as a child!! Too much like my dad, I loved him, as did my mum, but dad was the sort of man who took charge, and others stood aside and let him, but dad managed to do this without the all out bullying, he used charm alongside this natural leadership ability.

[auntpetunia]

YANBU, my mum is at a similar stage with her alzheimers, however unlike your mum she is in a lovely care home. Last year (her first in the home) it was agreed that she would come to me and my sis and her family would visit, unfortunately mum came down with that horrid norrow (sp) virus and was isolated in her room with horrendous vomitting and diahorrea. I did pop up and visit her during Christmas morning taking her presents etc. The room was complete barrier nursing to stop the spread. Poor mum had no idea what day it was and when I said Christmas day she told me to go home to my family, she was well looked after.

This year the decision has been made easier as I am due for a hysterectomy just before Christmas so I won't be up to anything, and sis and I had agreed that taking mum out of the home is the worse thing we can do now she gets very upset and disorientated and this lasts for a day or two. So my DH and kids will visit during Christmas day and my sis and her kids will visit as well.

Your brothers are being sexist and not thinking about your mum's best interests.

[MickeyTheShortOne]

You are doing the right thing OP. My Grandad has alzheimers (and sounds as if he is at a similar sort of stage as your mum) and it completely distresses him when he is taken out of his familiar environment. YADNBU.

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

You are completely and utterly doing the right thing OP. Anyone who disagrees with this is a moron with no understanding of dementia.

[Snazzyfeelingfestive]

Yes, you're doing the right thing. Especially since you will see her on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. I wonder how often your brothers will see her during the festive season? I would be tempted to never reply to a text from them again.

[Lemonylemon]

Stay strong, OP. You're doing the right thing.....

[bubby64]

Sorry, been working so couldnt answer earlier.
No - no response, but that is the norm from them both, they only text me to either ask me to do something or berate me.
Thank you to all of you who have been supportive, I have thought this through carefully, and also talked to both my DH and mums carers, and I feel that this is the best decision for everyone.
MadamC I last had mum over on her birthday last month, she was here for 3 hrs, and she was upset, more confused and generally worse after this visit, and this lasted for several days, I am NOT putting my mum through this again just to please my brothers! Outfoxed I and my family (as i have already had both sons and husband say they want to come) are going to be with her for 6hrs on Christmas Eve, and again for several hours on Boxing Day-I want my immediate family to enjoy the day as well, my boys are of an age where they will soon not want to be with us on Christmas day, but I have not made this decision lightly.

[digerd]

YANBU. Your Brothers are being utterly selfish, and do not believe they even feel guilty at all. What they feel is that as the daughter, you are responsible for caring for and about her, which you do and they don't. Your DH has been wonderful, and your brothers dispicable.
Wish you luck.

[shuffleballchange]

YADNBU. Your brothers are incredibly selfish and quite rightly feeling guilty so taking it out on you. Put your foot down OP and enjoy your Christmas.

[drizzlecake]

Missed your last post bubby in my seething rush to reply.

Your txt was great.

[drizzlecake]

Fume....
Tell areshole police brother that as he sin't working nights in the days before and after Xmas, and as DM does not know which day is Xmas, Boxing Day, New Year or anything else, then he can pop round ANY day and take a nice present and cake and an effing great Xmas tree if he wants. It's all the same to DM. You and your family do alot for DM and only once he gets off his arse and does as much is he in a position to order you about.

Really OP it doesn't matter when you go round. Everyone is projecting their guilt.

Why not make a special New Years Day for DM. All your family can visit with a lovely meal and a nice present for her. Sod chasing around Christmas Eve etc. She won't care !!!! so you are not doing it for her!!!!!!

[Gumby]

It's absolutely fine to tell them it's their turn

Berate them for being twats etc etc


But come boxing day if no one has visited you'll feel bad & at the end of the day it's your relationship with your mum that counts

Who wants to be 90 & rue the Xmas they didn't visit their mum

[redwallday]

Why can't you just go and visit your mum for a couple of hours? I can understand you not wanting her there all day but at the end of the day she is your mum. The least you can do is go and visit her on Christmas day!

[midseasonsale]

Well done

[midseasonsale]

Tel them it's their turn. You have done it for 4 years and now they both need to do 4 years each.

[DontmindifIdo]

Yes, once Alzheimers has gone past a certain level, then the OP would actually be cruel to bring her mother to her, it would be distressing and confusing rather than a nice treat. The only way anyone could see her and it be comfortable for the mum would be to go to her.

OP - if your brother is working nights over Christmas, it's perfectly possible he could call in on his way home or go over before his shift starts. That would mean putting himself out and changing his plans, but why should you be the only one?