Not to have my Mum here on Christmas Day despite DBros saying I should?

[bubby64]

Just some background - My darling mum has Altzheimers and has very short term memory (10 minute max). She is not comfortable leaving her little flat and her dog (who is a darling, but does not get on with cats, and we have 4!), she has carers 4 times a day, and, TBH, she would not remember it was Christmas Day anyway. Trouble is, my DBros both say I am being selfish and should have her over and let the carers have a day off too, as I have done so for the past 4 yrs. She cannot sleep here as cannot get upstairs, so we have to fetch her in the morning and drive her home in the afternoon, and also bring over her commode which has to sit in the corner of out dining room behind a screen as toilet is also upstairs. Dbro1 split from his partner of 11yrs 4 months ago, and is working Christmas (is a police officer) and DBro2 and family are going to Turkey to spend the holidays with in-laws (as they have done for the past 3yrs!) They are both saying mum should not be alone with just the carers over Christmas Day, and I and DH are being selfish to want to spend a Christmas day without worrying that we cannot have a drink and drive, and shutting away the cats and having the kids keep the noise down (mum gets very flustered and worried when the kids get rowdy). I know mum would understand is she was able too, why cant they stop trying to guilt trip me into doing something neither mum or we will enjoy!

So one bro has booked a holiday to avoid 'duty' visit, the other is working. I'd ask the one working what hours he is working exactly, he can't be working 24 hours.

Could you visit? Just for 10 mins? I'm sure working bro could get 10 mins to visit as well.

You are right if neither of you will enjoy it then there is not point. Carer's earn a pittance, they will probably be on double time for Christmas so will want to work.

YANBU at all. It's not up to your brothers to dictate that you do the work and 'give the carers a day off' - the carers are employees who are getting paid to work (and presumably negotiate amongst themselves/with their employers who does what on public holidays). And if your mum has Alzheimers, she will only be distressed by a break in her routine. Just tell your brothers that it's all in hand, thanks, they don't need to concern themselves and to fuck off out of it.

You are being selfish because you wont do what they want you to do! Of course YABU!

You should be at everyone's beck and call 24/7 and not give a toss about what you want! You should make up for their utter lack of care of your mother to assuage their guilt!
I simply dont understand why you cant see that!

Sheesh, they are a pair of selfish fuckwits arent they? I would not be holding back in telling them that they are lazy and selfish and that you wont be doing something that they should be doing, just so they can justify their selfishness.

It's easy to get all righteous when it's someone else doing the work. Tell them it's their turn for the next four years each (so eight years in total) thereafter the three of you can alternate Christmases.

YANBU. OP, it is so apparent in all of your posts how much you care about your Mum's wellbeing. You've obviously thought very clearly about what is best for her, whereas your brother's are just thinking about themselves.

Interesting also that your (D)B's are worrying about her carers getting a break from their PAID work, but you are deserving of no such respite

Someone else mentioned spending a little time at your Mum's on Christmas day. How far away does she live from you? Is there any chance you could go for a short visit in the morning before you start cooking lunch? If not I'm sure she will be just as happy to see you on Boxing Day.

I'm sorry your Mum is not well. It must be so sad to watch her mind slipping away. I hope you all have a peaceful and happy day whatever you decide to do.

YANBU. The carers don't mind. Your mum would be disorientated if you brought her to yours, and you say, have to use a comode behind a screen. Your mum would get flustered by the noise of children. Seems like your brothers don't understand dementia, or at least don't understand the stage your mum is at. Your mum recognising your children but not their's shows you visit her enough for her to recognise them and not your brother's kids.

IMO your mum would be happier in her own home and own routine. You could visit her early in the day, but you don't have to, as your mum won't even remember it is christmas day. you need, IMO, to let your children make a noise, your DH to be joining in all the time, not having to drive off to fetch your mum while you try to make the dinner yourself.

And you need to be able to have a sherry as early as you feel like it (IMO).

And if you aren't driving your mum home, you and/or DH can (or older kids can be encouraged to) get the pot washing out of the way before tea time, when more washing up will pile itself into a great mountain. (not trying to tell you how to organise your day, you can leave the pot mountain if you like) One person driving your mum home leaves less, i mean fewer, hands at home. (I am beginning to ramble and should go to bed).

So all in all IMO, it is in your mum's best interest to stick to her normal routine in her own home. You could explain that to your brothers. But you don't have to justify or explain to them if you don't feel like it, especially if you already have said something. Maybe if they don't see her as much as you, they don't really know what's best, just have a traditional view of don't leave mum at christmas but they won't be actually visiting or fetching mum themselves. (And if they did your mum would not know it is because it is Christmas day.)

When I am old, if I get dementia or not, I think I will like my own routine at home, at Christmas, with maybe visitors of my children and maybe Grandchildren if I am lucky enough for my children to have children, but not necessarily, and not out of obligation. With my TV viewing ringed in the specially bought Christmas Radio Times. But I am a bit of a miserable stop at home already.

YANBU. You haven't said how far away you live, so if not too far, I would visit mid-morning Xmas Day and spend some time with her, taking a home cooked meal and some nice thank you pressies for the carers. You can then go home just before mid day and leave the carers to do their job. The routine will be better for your DM. If either DBro says anything, you can reply to the one working that no doubt he will have some spare time (his shift won't be 24 hours) so he can pop over to see his DM as well. For the selfish git jetting off for the 3rd year running, remind him planes fly on Boxing Day so next year he can go a day later and have your DM on Xmas Day as he feels so strongly that the carers should have a day off !

Tell them to fuck off op.. You know you are not being unreasonable.

Tell them it's their turn...

Thanks for the replies, I know in my heart of hearts I am not being selfish, but the guilt trip was started and its hard to get off the ride, IYSWIM. DH, as I said, loves my mum, he often pops in to visit her during his lunch break, as he works in the town she lives, and, now they have started High School in the same town, my boys go down to hers at least once a week after school, then catch the late school bus home, so its not as if we only see her high days and holidays, we are there regularly.
I live only 30 minutes away, and, up to 3 yrs ago, I was mums main carer, leaving work and going straight to hers to sort her out, often not getting home until my DC were ready for bed, I got so exhausted that I finally said enoughs enough, and asked for help, at that stage DBro1 assisted in getting SS involved, and her care has gradually increased from that date onwards.
DBro2's inlaws are ex-pats living in Turkey, and yes, they can visit other than at Christmas if they wanted. I must admit, he has been in denial over how fast Mum is deteriorating up until recently, but it has now hit home, as, when he last went to visit, he was talking about my dad, who passed away 20yrs ago, and my poor mum couldnt remember him despite them being married for almost 40yrs!
I will be strong, put my foot down and stick to my guns this year, I will go Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, and spend Christmas Day quietly with my family. DBro1 said he is on night shift, so yes, he can visit in the morning or early evening if he is so concerned about her not seeing family on the actual day.

I've delurked just to say I'm sorry to hear about your mum, but stick to your guns. You've done the last 4 years - it's time for them to take a turn.

Your brothers have conveniently cast you in the role of "nurturing female", but it's also possible they just don't know how to deal with their mum being ill and are a bit scared. Being in denial is also very common (my dsil refused to get it, although I think that was so she didn't need to do anything ) But this doesn't give them the excuse of leaving it all to you!

I've been in your position (mil with dementia), where you have done something and it suddenly becomes the expectation, and I'm glad you were able to ask for help - and got it! I found that the Christmas expectations were easier to deal with once I put my foot down and organised a rota (even though I felt like a total bitch bossing everyone around, and also very sad that I had to get heavy to make people spend time with their own mother ). But it made it easier to say "No, you can't go away - it's your turn for Christmas" - gave me a legitimate reason to say no, if you see what I mean.

I'm glad you're going to stick to your decision - and hope you have a lovely Christmas Day. You and your dp and dcs all sound lovely, by the way!

YANBU. Could you perhaps have a second "Christmas Day" for your Mum? Maybe you could all go to hers, along with your brothers? She would really appreciate the effort I'm sure.

YANBU - they are

how mean of them to make you feel bad when you are the one who has made the effort for the last 4 years

suggest they go to hers and give the carers and YOU a day off

YANB at all U!! My MIL had severe dementia/alzheimers and used to get very fraught/upset when she was taken out of her own house.

Your brothers sound totally selfish and U, esp the one sodding off to Turkey and leaving you to get on with it.

Like you say, your mum won't know it's christmas and as for giving the carers a day off....they will have other clients to care for so that is irrelevant.

Alzheimers is a cruel disease, have some unmumsnetty hugs :)

OP you are not being unreasonable.

Your brothers are not only selfish sexist bastards, they are in complete denial about their Mother's condition.

Taking her out of her comfort zone for several hours will upset your Mum. She is no longer able to enjoy Xmas in the traditional sense so it behoves everyone concerned to ensure she remains as comfortable and safe as possible.

If it were me, I'd pop round in the morning for a visit and have Xmas dinner a bit later. I'd also point out to your brothers that they should be doing like wise.

Mum would be happier at home.

Bro's being uncool. Tell them mum will be better at home and if they are so bothered then they can cancel work or Turkey...

YANBU they are. You have done the last 4 years they need to do 4 years each. They are trying to force you into the role of nurturing female so they don't feel bad for not seeing her.
It sounds like there is a system in place to look after your mum on Christmas day. Visit her sometime over the Christmas/new year period when it is convenient for you.

Fuming!! Just had a text from elder Bro
"YOU (note, not "we") need to sort out what you are going to do for Mum on Christmas Day, as its not fair she should spend it alone! I am working nights Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing day, so won't be able to see her at all!"
Now, I know that his Sarge asks first for volunteers over Christmas/New year, before he allocates shifts, so he had probably volunteered for all 3 shifts, so I am the only one available again!
He is not taking on board what I told him this morning, just trying bully boy tactics to get his own way again!

His xams shifts will not be 24 hours.

He can visit her if he choses.

Text back and say.

Mum is too ill to come to us. You need to arrange to visit her.

Stand firm,, tbh I wouldn't bother to explain again. Just say what you are going to do. There's no conversation to be had and warn him that as a serving police officer he should not be guilty of harassing and intimidating u in this way.

Btw your dh sounds lovely but if this were my bros hassling me like this my dh would be stepping in and telling them in no uncertain terms to fuck off.

Your DBs are being outrageous.

They need to hear a bit of what's what.

Bloody outrageous that neither of them have had her the last 3 years. Maybe your DS1 has extenuating circumstances this year, but DB2 has just washed his hands of Christmas.

And it is all silly as as you say, she will not be any the unhappier for staying put. Tell them that if they spent as mmuch time with her as you do they would know this.

If you choose to reply at all, I would just put that you have sorted it out and he doesn´t need to concern himself with your arrangements.

(And if he was so fucking concerned he wouldn´t be working those three day.

And next year the lazy fuckers can do something as you won´t be available.)

I'd text back "I have arranged to go on Boxing day with the children, and she has carers coming on Christmas day. If you and [other DB] aren't happy with that, feel free to arrange something else yourselves."

You are right, your mum won't know it's Christmas adn would probably have a better day at home than at yours, you won't be doing it for her, you'd be doing it for your DBro.

"DB, I have explained what I am doing over Xmas. If it bothers you that much may I suggest you stop being so selfish and visit her yourself. She has three children, not one."

Can you deliberately misunderstand?

I am glad you realise it isn't fair. Are you planning to cancel one of those shifts or will you visit before or after work?

Obviously next year you will remember not to VOLUNTEER for shifts at Christmas as you will be looking after Mum. But you'll have help from dbro as he'll be home next year too.

Oh, and you need to step up your visits, she doesn't see enough of you and you're so right, it is just NOT FAIR. So I guess you'll be visiting x times a week/month now? Let me know!

I'm so glad you've realised how unfair the situation is and remembered that YOU need to look after YOUR mum. It's a weight off my shoulders to know I no longer need to do it all by myself.